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Frustrated 'good girls' speak out: how the Madonna / Whore Complex affects women

Bud (Warren Beatty) is a popular high school athlete who wants to have sex with his "good girl" girlfriend (Natalie Wood), but instead ends up having sex with the school "harlot" in the 1961 film, "Splendor in the Grass"
Bud (Warren Beatty) is a popular high school athlete who wants to have sex with his "good girl" girlfriend (Natalie Wood), but instead ends up having sex with the school "harlot" in the 1961 film, "Splendor in the Grass"
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If you have been reading this column for a while, then you probably have read at least one article where I have discussed Dr. Sigmund Freud's popular assertion of what is known as the 'Madonna / Whore Complex.'

Typically, when I have discussed the Madonna / Whore Complex, I tend to discuss how it can (negatively) affect a man's behavior toward his wife, long-term girlfriend, or other companion. Here is another quick recap of how the Madonna / Whore Complex affects men:

1) When a man suffers from the effects of the Madonna / Whore Complex, he becomes practically incapable of only interacting with one female companion within the context of marriage or a long-term 'boyfriend-girlfriend' relationship. The man feels compelled to pursue the romantic and sexual companionship of at least two women at all times.

2) One of the two women that this man will pursue will be a woman he perceives as a 'prudish good girl' type; a woman who usually will possess many of his own mother's best attributes, characteristics, and overall qualities. The man's main purpose for connecting with this woman is to have her be a great mother to his children, and to be a classy, good-looking 'trophy' on his shoulder when he attends various formal and informal social events. This is the woman that the man will usually marry, or if not marry, he will keep her around as his long-term romantic companion.

3) In addition to the woman who is the designated 'good girl,' the man will have one or more additional women in his life whose purpose is to obey all of his sexual requests, fulfill all of his sexual fantasies, and behave like a total 'kinky freak' or 'personal slut' in the bedroom. The man has no interest in being monogamous with any of these women, or allowing them to interact with his children, his close friends, or other relatives and family members. The man interacts with these women primarily, if not exclusively, when he desires uninhibited sex.

In this article, I want to highlight four women who each provided me with feedback about how being in a marriage or a relationship with a man who suffers from the Madonna / Whore complex has left them feeling romantically and sexually frustrated.

The women from the 'good girl' category are going to become frustrated for at least two reasons: a) their husbands or long-term boyfriends are cheating on them with other women, and b) their husband or boyfriend has not made pleasing them and satisfying them in bed a top priority.

The women from the 'kinky-girl-on-the-side' category also tend to become frustrated once they realize that the man they are having sex with is never, ever, going to leave his wife or break up with his long-term girlfriend to be with them.

Below are comments and feedback I have received from four women who fall into the 'frustrated good girl' category.

[Note: While some first names are real, other first names have been changed in order to allow the women to remain anonymous; also some comments have been slightly modified and/or paraphrased for grammatical purposes]

Name: LaTonia G.

Past article that resonated with her the most: Men will usually cheat as long as there are women who offer them the opportunity

Situation: Was married for ten years; Husband cheated on her with professional Call Girls and Erotic Escorts; Husband loved to watch porn more than engage in sexual relations with her; Now divorced

Comments: "Alan, many of your articles tend to cause me a lot of emotional pain when I read them. Your articles have so much raw truth in them. Particularly when you speak of the concept of the Madonna-Whore Complex. I believe my ex-husband suffered from that complex. He always treated me like his elegant queen. His good girl. I loved it at first, but then I found our sex life getting worse and worse and worse over the years of our marriage. He got to a point where he barely wanted to have sex with me at all. If I say so myself, I am a good looking woman. Men flirt with me all of the time. My husband reached a point where he almost treated me more like his sister or his daughter than his wife. The worst was when I found out that he was spending money that we did not have on high-priced prostitutes and call girls. On top of that, I would find links on his computer to all sorts of Internet porn sites.

We tried marriage therapy, but in the long run, that did not solve any of our problems. Our divorce was finalized about eighteen months ago. A part of me still loves him. He never physically or verbally abused me at all. He was not even really a bad person per se. He was just a victim of that Madonna-Whore Complex you frequently speak of. He never wanted to look at me as a 'sex companion.' He said he never wanted me to behave in a 'slutty' manner with him. Sometimes I miss him, but I know our divorce was best for both of us."

Alan's response: Yes LaTonia, based on the feedback you provided to me, your ex-husband definitely suffered from the effects of the Madonna / Whore Complex. Your former spouse did not want you to behave in any sort of 'kinky' or 'erotically uninhibited' manner. That is usually one of the first signs. He wanted you to be his "personal good girl." Do not ever give in to the temptation to reconcile with him. 99.9% chance, he is never going to change. I am very sorry to hear that your marriage did not work out for you.

Advice to other women reading this: Anytime your husband or long-term companion seems to enjoy your companionship much more non-sexually than he does sexually, that is the first sign that your spouse or companion suffers from the effects of the Madonna / Whore Complex, and more-than-likely, he has a mistress or on-the-side woman satisfying his sexual urges and needs.

Name: Cynthia W.

Past article that resonated with her the most: The history of 'casual' sex: feminists wanted sexual freedom ... and they got it

Situation: Has been married twice (once for eight years and a second time for six years); first husband cheated on her with women from his place of work, and even a friend/acquaintance of his wife; second husband had two mistresses; Now feels very jaded toward men

Comments: "Mr. Currie, I have to tell you that your articles are refreshingly real and candid. When a girlfriend first had me read one of your articles, I perceived you as one of those womanizer types who was always trying to encourage men to take advantage of women sexually, but as I read more and more of your articles, I realize now that you look out for both sexes.

I am now forty-eight years of age, and I do not think I will ever get married again. I simply do not trust men. I have four beautiful children (three children from my first marriage and one child from my second marriage), and I am very thankful to God that they are all healthy and well adjusted.

I have never cheated on any of my husbands (although the opportunities were there!), but both of my former husbands cheated on me. One cheated with a woman who I once considered to be a friend of mine. You once said in a previous article of yours that men rarely cheat with women who are more prudish than their wife or girlfriend. I truly believe that now.

You see, my parents both raised me to be what you would call 'the proverbial good girl.' I always made good grades in high school and college, I am very active in the community with a number of different organizations, and I attend a place of worship regularly, etc. I met my first husband in college and we got married when I was twenty-four years old. He made good money, and I was primarily a stay-at-home mother. Financially, I have no criticism of my first husband. He took very good care of me and our children. No complaints there.

Our sex life though was anything but stellar. Anytime I wanted to 'let my hair down' and become freakier with him, he would get angry and turned off. He would say, 'Are you fu**ing around on me?? Are you a ho to other men??' Sometimes I would cry because I would be so hurt at his accusations. I loved this man. I never once cheated on him. Yet, anytime I suggested we do anything that was kinky or a bit freaky, he accused me of cheating.

Then, I later found out that HE was the one who was cheating on me! The nerve of him. Later, we divorced, and a year or two later, I met my second husband. I really thought he was a good man. He went to church regularly, and carried himself very well. Two years into our marriage, our sex life started to become more and more erratic. He would just 'go through the motions,' but I could tell he wasn't really into having sex with me. A year or so later, I found out he had a mistress. Then I started receiving e-mail messages from another woman claiming to be a mistress of his.

Sure enough, he and I ended up divorcing after just under six years of marriage. I really believe that both of my husbands experienced that Madonna / Whore Complex you spoke of in your articles. They married me so that I could be their good girl, but they wanted to have sex with tramps on the side. I am hurt beyond measure. I think I will remain by myself for years to come."

Alan's response: Cynthia, I am so sorry to hear of the emotional pain that you suffered in both of your marriages. Many men can give off the outward appearance of being monogamy-minded and having good moral character, but for many men, that is merely a facade. Many men want to "have their cake and eat it too." They want a loyal 'good girl' type to be their main woman, and they want more promiscuous and uninhibited women to be their mistresses and on-the-side women. The thing to remember is not all men are like this. Stay positive and optimistic, and God will place a truly good man in your path.

Advice to other women reading this: Just because a man has a good job, is financially stable, and speaks well, does not necessarily mean that he is a 'good man.' I know many men who have cheated on their wives who were educated, intelligent, articulate, and even regularly attended church. You have to take time to carefully examine the moral character and integrity of the men you are about to enter into a long-term relationship with or marriage.

Name: Paula R.

Past article that resonated with her the most: Examining the men who allow their female companions to enjoy sex with other men -and- Once a prude gets 'turned out,' there usually is no going back

Situation: Was married for twelve years; former husband persuaded her to engage in 'swinging' and 'couple swapping,' but then later labeled her a 'ho' and a 'slut,' and divorced her. Now, by her own admission, she has become semi-promiscuous with younger men and never wants to be married again

Comments: "First of all, ever since I listened to your show, The Erotic Conversationalist, I have been a fan of yours. I listened to Episode #6 with Ambrosia Cumming, and a lot of what she said rang true with me. A few weeks later, you and I became Facebook friends, and I started reading your Examiner.com articles.

Some background on me: I was married for a little over twelve years. Before I met my former husband, I was what most men would call 'sexually conservative.' I never watched porn, I never did anything kinky, and I had only had sex with one other man prior to meeting my husband.

Alan, did you see a Spike Lee movie by the name of School Daze? In that movie, one of the characters told his girlfriend, 'If you love me, you will have sex with one of my fraternity's pledges.' Then, after she fulfilled his request, he dumped her. Well, much to my embarrassment that is what happened in my marriage.

It started with me and my husband watching porn together. I made a lighthearted comment about how 'huge' one of the porn star's penis was. All of the sudden, my ex-husband says, 'So ... I don't have enough meat for you, huh?' I told him that I was just making a lighthearted comment. I never thought he would feel insulted.

Next thing I know, he says, 'I bet you want to have sex with a guy who has a bigger d*ck than me, don't you?' I said, 'No honey! You are all I need, and all I want!! I promise!!' Weeks later, he says, 'I want you to come to a party with me.'

The party we attended turned out to be what is known as a 'swingers' party for married couples. Even though all of the couples at this party were married, they were having sex with each other's husbands and wives. I felt horribly uncomfortable, but my ex-husband kept telling me to relax and have fun. He told me he was going to select a man for me to have sex with. I told him that I did not want to have sex with any of the men there. Then, he became very forceful and demanded that I have sex with at least one guy before we left the party.

So, me being the obedient and dutiful wife, I reluctantly went along with my husband's demands. Later, four of us went into a bedroom together. Me, my ex-husband, a guy I will call 'Joe,' and Joe's wife. Joe started kissing me, and making out with me. Next thing I know, Joe was performing oral sex on me. I became aroused. Then, Joe started having intercourse with me. Now admittedly, Joe was more 'well-endowed' than my husband, but I was not dissatisfied with my husband's size at all. Once I started moaning, my husband yelled out, 'I knew it! I knew you loved men who were bigger than me!!' Then, for the next few weeks and months, he basically started forcing me to have sex with different men. Most of them were married, and all of them were more well-endowed than my husband. Just about all of them were part of a local swingers club.

I only indulged because I thought this would save our marriage, not ruin it. You asked in one of your articles, 'can you turn a ho into a housewife?' Well, what my husband did was turn a good housewife into what he later called a 'ho.' I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I will not plead innocent to all charges. Soon, I became addicted to having sex with new and different well-endowed men who knew how to please and satisfy me. Before we got divorced, I started seeing many of the men from the swingers club behind my husband's back.

Now that I am divorced, I do not even engage in monogamous sex any longer. Most of my sex partners are ten-to-fifteen years younger than me, and they love satisfying me in bed. Even though I still do not consider myself a 'ho' or a 'slut,' I will reluctantly go ahead and embrace those labels. I enjoy my sex life. I have my ex-husband's jealous insecurities to thank for awakening a new feeling of sexual liberation. You can say that my ex-husband 'turned me out.'

All I have to say to your male readers is this: watch what you ask for, because you just might get it."

Alan's response: Wow. And this all started from watching a porn movie together? Wow. Here is the reality of many men: A lot of men's egos and self-esteem are directly connected to their penis. It is simply a sad fact for a good number of men. For many men, the last thing they want to hear their wife or girlfriend express is a compliment of another man's physique, and more specifically, another man's penis. When you complimented the male porn star's penis, in your ex-husband's mind, that was like saying he could not satisfy you as well as a man with a longer and/or thicker penis. Based on your feedback, your ex-husband's egotistical insecurities got the best of him.

Advice to other women reading this: Before you marry a man, or enter into a long-term monogamous relationship with a man, you should take time to carefully examine if he is an extremely jealous, possessive, egotistically insecure type. If he is, you are asking for nothing but problems and 'drama.' I would steer away from men like this at all costs. These are the types of men that have the highest potential to become verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive.

Secondly, never allow a boyfriend or husband to 'force' you to do something that you do not want to do. Even if you are an 'obedient, submissive' type, you should never compromise your morals, values, and principles in order to make a relationship or marriage work. Walk away from that marriage or relationship.

Name: Sheree M.

Past article that resonated with her the most: "Blurred Lines" is the ideal song to describe today's sexually duplicitous woman -and- Blunt truth tellers are slowly becoming a rare species in modern day society

Situation: Was married for two-and-a-half years, has been divorced for four years; former husband went into a 'funk' after his brother died, and he became emotionally and sexually 'distant' with her. Her ex-husband cheated on her with a woman from his hometown. Now, she is currently single and enjoying life, but she is a wee bit frustrated by the high number of dishonest and sexually impatient men as well as the high number of (single) women who are willing to jump in bed relatively quickly with men who they are not married to or in a relationship with

Comments: "Truthfully, I had never heard of you until I started reading some of your articles recently and I felt the urge to respond after reading at least two of them. I read the article on 'Blurred Lines' and the one on 'Blunt Truth Tellers.' I don’t usually comment on Internet articles as I don’t have time for ignorant responses.

I hate the fact that society now thinks that it is improper or abnormal to be frank and candid with others. Unfortunately, the society we now live in, allows for insincerity and dishonesty to run rampant ... even in the simplest of things.

I believe with every fiber of my being that we women are the reason that men have changed in their treatment toward us. Example, if I don't give into a man's sexual advances rather quickly, he knows that there are at least 20 other women waiting in line to give him what he wants due to their desperation of male companionship. So with that, why on earth would he wait around for someone like me who wants to take things very slow? I am not the type of woman who just jumps in bed with a man within a few days or a couple of weeks after I meet him.

I have said over and over again that change only happens with change and nothing changes if nothing changes. So if women want men to change, we need to first change our behavior. We need to start first with loving ourselves and appreciate who we are by ourselves. Take time to learn who we truly are and make changes to become better individuals from the inside out. True beauty emanates from deep within.

When we start to learn who we are, we would start realizing that our desperation for a man to make us whole starts to actually diminish. Our thoughts change, even our speech changes, and we start realizing that it is okay to be by ourselves indefinitely and that we don't have to sell ourselves short just to say we have a man. In fact in our learning, we start to learn our purpose. When a person starts to know their purpose, something starts to switch in the brain and less tolerance is developed for foolishness, negativity, manipulation and lying.

I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment of how Jesus would be considered in today's society. I am a Christian and I have always shared with others that if we really pay attention to the Bible and what Jesus said, we would realize how brutally honest and frank he was. Most would probably say that he was 'dissing' people. He was not a Namby Pamby or wimpy type as many in society try to insinuate. The thing is, He is truth and He always said it without apology and always with love.

I am upfront with people I meet and with everything I do, I show who I am and what I stand for. I have realized that it is hard for most people to grasp this concept. Truth is not relative, truth is truth. Truth cannot be and should not be sugarcoated. I believe that the truth can be spoken with love, but people are so used to being lied to that when someone speaks truth, it shocks them and leaves them feeling offended or uncomfortable.

I have standards and when I share my standards with men for example, one of two things happen; they either leave after letting their intentions be known, or they linger, thinking that I will modify or compromise my standards in order to accommodate them, and then they leave after they realize that I will stay true to who I am and what I am about. As I type, I laugh, because it’s humorous to see this in action. Thank you Alan for sharing YOUR TRUTH with me and your other readers."

Alan's response: Thank you for finding my articles Sheree, and thank you for taking the time to share your feedback with me. This is much appreciated.

So, what it sounds like your saying is, you have harsh criticisms about the idea of both premarital sex in general, and more specifically, the idea of short-term non-monogamous 'casual' sex. Am I correct?

The reality Sheree is that we live in a different society from my parents' generation and your parents' generation. Most women I converse with these days have very little, if any desire to 'wait until marriage' to have sex for the first time. Those days are long gone.

Matter of fact, if you were to read one of my previous articles, I once took a survey in preparation for an episode of my talk radio podcast program, and would you believe that more men informed me that they would be willing to wait until marriage to have sex for the first time than there were women who expressed the same sentiments.

You and I 100% agree on the love of honesty and a strong disdain for dishonesty. I hate liars and blatant manipulators. I am honest with every woman I interact with romantically and sexually, and I expect the same type of honesty from them. In my opinion, dishonesty combined with manipulative 'head games' has done more to destroy romantic relationships between men and women than being 'kinky' or 'promiscuous' has.

I am sorry that your marriage did not work out. I wish you nothing but the best as you continue to move on with your life.

Advice to other women reading this: I do not consider every woman who has sex outside the context of marriage as "not having any standards." If a woman knows what she wants, and says what she wants, I have no criticisms or judgments against her whatsoever.

Personally, I am more critical of the women who 'pretend' to be prudish, when they know deep-down that they are kinky and/or promiscuous, than those women who are openly kinky and promiscuous. For the latter, I respect the fact that they 'own' their sexuality and make no apologies for it.

Conclusion:

Many men in society suffer, to one degree or another, from the effects of the Madonna / Whore Complex. As mentioned before in previous articles, some men can handle a woman being the 'good girl in the streets and kinky freak in-between the sheets,' but other men cannot handle both personas existing in the same body.

In the 21st Century, even many women are taking on characteristics of the Madonna / Whore Complex. I have actually met women who have a 'good guy' as their husband, who they barely have sex with, and then they have one or more men 'on the side' who satisfy them in bed. I guess what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

If any other man or woman wants to provide me with feedback on one or more of my past articles, you may do so by writing me.

Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie's latest eBook, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly is also available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie's eBook on your iPhone, Android Smartphone, or other Smartphone.

Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program in the category of "Romance" and "Self-Help for Relationships" on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details

Currie offers email, telephone, and Skype consultations to both men and women; Visit http://modeone.net/products to purchase a consultation.