Well-intentioned parents occasionally say things to their gifted children without realizing the effects those statements may have. Certain comments may fall under the guise of constructive praise; however, children are likely to interpret these comments differently which can negatively impact their attitude about education and their outlook on life.
Dr. Jim Delisle, one of the nation’s foremost experts in the field of giftedness, was the keynote speaker at the 2011 UAGC Annual Conference in Provo, Utah. He identified mistakes that parents make when communicating--criticisms that can lead to disinterest, underachievement, or disappointment. According to Delisle, there are four things that parents should never say to their gifted children.
1) Your report card is good, but…
A child may interpret this statement to mean, No matter what I do, it isn’t good enough. “As soon as you say ‘but,’ you may as well had not given that compliment at all,” Delisle explained. Parents shouldn’t voice criticism in conjunction with a compliment. Save the disapproving comment for another time.
2) This will be easy for a smart kid like you.
Gifted kids may feel apprehensive when attempting something new: a magnet/gifted program, an advanced placement or honors class, or an unfamiliar sport or other activity. Telling a child that everything should be easy for him/her simply because he/she is gifted is unrealistic. If failure ensues, the misstatement can lead to disappointment for both the child and the parent—the one the child primarily wants to please. The reality is that neither the parent nor the child can anticipate whether he/she will be good at something. To suggest otherwise is misleading. Delisle recommends an alternative statement for parents: I am proud of you for taking on this new challenge.
3) I don’t care about your grades; I just want you to do your best.
"That is such a crock," Delisle said. Nobody does his/her absolute best one hundred percent of the time. Typically, we focus our time and strength on things that are important to us. Not every task receives our utmost effort and attention. “When we say something like this, there is no sense of what priorities mean,” Delisle said. “Everything becomes equally important.” The expert suggests that parents use the word “try” rather than the word “best.”
4) You’re not working to your potential.
At what point does anyone reach his/her potential in life? “It’s the dumbest statement because it has no context,” Delisle said. Rather than being meaninglessly broad, parents should be specific when communicating with their children about ambitions and accomplishments.
At some point during youth, gifted children will realize that society places unrealistic expectations on them. Parents can help kids adjust to life’s ups and downs by telling them the truth: Not every task will be easy for a gifted child, and occasional failure is inevitable and acceptable. Parents may want to give examples of how they and other role models—professional athletes, accomplished musicians, famous authors, favorite teachers—failed at something or didn’t achieve immediate success. Finding satisfaction and enjoyment is an important part of the learning process.
Upon retiring, an NBA legend, regarded as one of the greatest point guards to have ever played the game, spoke about never winning a title. “A lot of this [is] about the journey,” he said. “I’m sure there are people that have won championships who haven’t had to work very hard at it. We worked very hard and haven’t done it, and yet I feel a lot of reward out of the effort that it took to compete.” ~John Stockton, NBA Encyclopedia
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