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Four steps to finding your ideal mate

Looking for "the one"
Looking for "the one"
Getty Images - photographer Martin Barraud

It seems people are always looking for a way to find their ideal mate. There are several books and courses that tell one what traits they should look for and many go as far as to tell people what will make them happy. However the reality is only you know what makes you happy.

Each of us gets to choose our own friends, lovers, and spouse. There is no such thing as a “universal deal breaker”. Whatever you or I might consider a “deal breaker” there is someone living under those conditions and they have no plans of ever walking away. Below are four steps to finding your ideal mate.

Become a "me" expert.

Life is a personal journey and only you know what it is you need in order to feel loved. Do some serious introspective thinking to determine what traits you need in a mate for life. Until you figure out what it is you want and need in a mate you're likely to let impulsive connections and happenstance dictate your relationship choices. That's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!

Create a profile of your ideal mate.

With this exercise you can be as granular as you wish. Answer as many who, where, what, when, and how questions as possible. Examples: Do they live in the city or suburbs? Shop for clothes at upscale department stores/malls or Wal-Mart, work out at a gym? What are their hobbies/interests? Do they grocery shop at a large chain store or boutique health food store, what is their occupation?


After you have this image of your ideal mate imagine you are them! Making lists is the easy part. You have to be honest with yourself by asking: "If I were him/her would I want me?" If the answer is no then you need to go about cultivating the traits you believe this type of person would be attracted to. Don’t expect to sit next to the moon unless you are a star!

Be there!

The only way to meet anyone is to be where they're at! You have to run in the same circles. The other alternative is to rely on luck, coincidence, or a chance meeting. Romantics are lonelier than proactive people. If you were very detailed with step #2 you have a pretty good idea of where to go to meet the type of person you want to meet. Check out for hobby groups in order to meet likeminded people who share your similar interest. There are a wide variety of groups such as wine tasting, hiking, yoga, meditation, writing, theatre goers, salsa dancing, and many more. Groups meet monthly on average or more often. This allows one to get to know others in the group gradually while participating in events.

One final note

The goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for a relationship that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least there is a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde

"There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have."

- Kevin Darné : Author of My Cat Won’t Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany)

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