Forgiveness is more important than love

Which is most important - love or forgiveness?

I was asked this question at a speaking engagement by a woman who I assumed to be in her mid 30's. My talk was about finding and realizing true love within yourself and in others. It was not necessarily about romantic love or marital love, it was about the essence of "true love" in general terms.

Since the time humankind has been able to communicate, we have tried to capture the essence and emotion of love. We have orchestrated magnificent symphonies to convey love with music. We have written sonnets and poems to describe love with words. We have produced movies to depict love through film. We have inked songs to capture love with melodies. Philosophers have pondered its power and theologians have sought to capture its divinity. Biblical authors have told us it is the greatest of all virtues, "so faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Love gets all the press. Movies, songs, books, plays and symphonies. Some of these attempts are really quite inspirational and give us glimpses of the divine nature of love. Others don't at all. If you're expecting to find a glimpse of what true love is by reading a modern romance novel or by watching who will marry the bachelor or bachelorette on television, you're not seeing the real essence of love at all.

Love, in its truest form, is not possible unless you can truly forgive.

Why can't you recall any movie, song, poem or sonnet that deals with forgiveness? Because there aren't many of them. Why is this? Because forgiveness is difficult and seemingly far-less enjoyable a task than that of loving! It's far more difficult to forgive someone than it is to love someone. Think about it. Loving is easy - especially when you are loved in return. Forgiveness is just plain difficult anytime you choose it. But we must chose it and recognize forgiveness as the pathway to love.

Jesus himself guided us to forgiveness many times in his ministry on earth. He did so by example and by direct appeal. One example was when he encountered a woman accused of adultery as described in the Gospel of John (8:1-11). He tells the mob, " let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her" (8:7). After the crowd disperses, he approaches the woman and says, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She replied, "no one, sir." Then Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on do not sin any more". (John 8:10-11).

Then, in one of the most powerful scenes in the Bible - the crucifixion - Jesus makes a direct appeal to God to forgive the ones who were putting him to death: "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). This appeal to God to forgive speaks volumes. However, look between the lines. I would suggest Jesus is demonstrating the importance of forgiveness as the pathway to love. To love those who condemned him, Jesus had to forgive them first. It couldn't have happened in reverse because love would have been blocked by his refusal to forgive. This final lesson, just moments before his death, has always stood out in my mind as an exclamation mark on his life and ministry. Forgive!

In the prayer that Jesus himself composed, the "Our Father", he tells us that when we pray, we should pray for those who have done wrong against us, "...and forgive those who trespass against us...". We hear this prayer so often perhaps that the emotional power of hearing a direct order from Jesus himself demanding us to forgive those who have hurt us becomes diminished.

Fast forward to our lives today. Are we blocked from loving someone by our inability or refusal to forgive? Today I say this to you: If you cannot forgive someone the wrong they have done you, then you will never be able to truly love anyone else.

Forgiveness does not necessarily have to happen all at once. It can evolve within you. Some people are capable of forgiving immediately. They are enlightened enough to know that in order to truly heal from a past hurt or painful event, they have to pass through it. They cannot ignore it or compartmentalize it or else the pain and resentment that are natural results of being emotionally or physically hurt, would devour them and rob them of their ability to heal and ultimately, love.

But how does one forgive someone? For any wrongdoing done to us, we need to grasp on to the devastation, hold tight to the pain, and let the anger, rage and resentment pass through us. We should engage the pain caused us by someone else - not divorce it. Turning away and ignoring it will not save us from it. Wanting vengeance or wanting "an eye for an eye" is improper interpretation of Biblical theology and drives us away from love. Reflect and examine why it hurts and acknowledge those reasons as valid and normal. Then take a deep breath and calm yourself.

Be clear on this - all human emotions, love, anger, happiness, sadness, etc. are normal. There is nothing wrong with you if you experience these emotions. The only thing that determines the "rightness" or "wrongness" of our emotions is how we chose to react to them.

Once upon a time, I was a young teacher. During the early portion of my career, I was teaching at an alternative high school. This place was where all of the "undesirable" students were sent. Many of the kids came from broken homes, had drug and alcohol problems, or abusive parents. Some were students by day and prostitutes by night. They were not considered "typical" kids.

During this time, I had two female students who were caught up in the tragedy of prostitution. They were tough, anti-authority, brazen and defiant. Now, all students at this particular school enjoyed very liberal privileges provided their work and assignments were complete and up to date. These privileges included cigarette breaks, and a game room with pool tables, ping pong, darts and soda machines. When students fell behind in their studies, these privileges were taken away. I had suspended the privileges for these two young ladies due to those reasons.

In an effort to retaliate against me, these girls made up an extraordinary story about me. They claimed that I propositioned them and wanted to hire them during their "night jobs". As luck would have it, a security guard and another student overheard them in the student lounge as they discussed their plans to slander me. However, even with these witnesses, the fact that an accusation had been made against a teacher was a powerful issue.

People can have devastating impacts on your life simply with the things they say.

I was young, newly married and had an infant son. I was terrified of the entire situation. I had never in my life been accused of such a thing - much less have people back away from me because of the words of other people. I hired a lawyer because the girls filed a police report. These were street-smart students who knew how to use the system to exact revenge.

The attorney laid out the scenario for me. I could either go to court and have a jury trial and clear my name publicly, or I could take care of this "behind the scenes" and plea bargain in order to have it erased from my record without the publicity of a trial. I'm a guy who, for the most part, will go to lengths to avoid confrontation. The thought of going to a jury trial over this issue was frightening to me! There were no guarantees of how a jury would see things. My name and news footage could be all over the radio or television. The emotional trauma seemed too much to bear. So, I opted for the plea bargain and got rid of the issue with no criminal record and did not have to surrender my teaching license. But I did lose my teaching job. Even though things seemed to work out, there was that "cloud" over me that meant I was a teacher who was accused of inappropriate behavior. In plain terms, what this meant was some people completely believed me and others were captive by the doubt that some accusations carry with them.

Some would say that I should have gone to trial to have the tables turned on those who falsely accused me. Some understand my course. Some, I'm sure, wonder about it and don't quite understand how it all could have happened. Again, I say, people can wreak havoc on lives by telling a lie about you. Sadly, my wife, who had stood by me for most of this, fell victim to the strain and emotional trauma and the burden of all of this. She abandoned me and filed for divorce.

So as I reflected on that event I became angry, frustrated and frightened. Angry at the students. Disappointed and crushed that my wife and her family would abandon me. Frustrated with the legal system. Frightened for my future and my family. Love would not rescue me from this event. Only forgiveness could do that. I literally sat down and summoned these emotions to come forth and surface. In my home office one evening, I wept, became enraged, blamed God for abandoning me. I literally was shaking and my weeping turned to sobs. The pain of the event was percolating through me. I was holding on to it and putting myself in the grasp of the emotions I was feeling.

After about forty minutes or so, I began to calm and rage converted to peace. It wasn't easy, but I had to focus on the act of forgiveness. I had to forgive these students. I called them to my memory. Their faces and their demeanors were in my mind. While I held them in my mind, I recalled the last prayer of Jesus and said to myself, "forgive them Father, they know not what they do". I repeated this phrase dozens and dozens of times until it became a mantra of peace for me. My anger, rage, frustration and fear began to fade. Soon, they were completely gone. I took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and released it with a prayer of gratitude.

Along the same journey, I also forgave my ex-wife and her family. "They know not what they do..."

Looking back on that time and after re-reading my spiritual journals about the topic, I realize that if I was unable to forgive the two students and my wife, I would have been blocked from knowing the true essence of love in anyone else. Looking at the stories of our lives and identifying the moments and people that we need to forgive is an important exercise.

We don't forgive others necessarily for their benefit - we do it for our benefit.

One last thing that's important. When we forgive, we are not forgetting. The phrase "to forgive and forget" is dangerous. Yes, we should forgive. However, we should never forget. If we "forget", then we run the risk of forgetting or missing important life lessons. Forgiving others does not mean that we have to send them Christmas cards every year or invite them to dinner. It means that we have prevented their actions from blocking our encounters with the true essence and nature of love in all things and people who are in our lives now or who will be in the future. Forgive, my friends. Forgive!