The moral high road says to “forgive and forget” but when it comes to domestic violence, whose prerogative is that exactly?
Is that a right to be solely maintained by the victim him/herself? Is it OUR “right to judgment” as neutral outsiders (both personal and professional) to determine what’s morally wrong and right for someone else’s situation – as the “voice of reason” saying when “enough is enough”? Is it the abuser’s right to say, “I’m done being punished for my crime”?
It never ceases to amaze me – voices fall silent when it comes to child abuse (because WHO could think to do such unthinkable things to a CHILD?!) – but when it comes to domestic violence, EVERYONE has an opinion or a theory and while there’s “no excuse” for a child abuser, there are PLENTY of excuses that we entertain for a domestic violence abuser, especially if the abuser is rich and/or famous.
Actually, the ability to effectively help a victim-survivor often hinges on that criteria: the more rich/famous the abuser, the less resources, help and support there will be for the victim – and it’s not just “the initial charge” but in “the long run” as well. Not only is the victim’s claim of abuse scrutinized by a factor of 10 when the abuser is rich/famous, but the abuser’s “rehabilitation” is also judged by factors that have absolutely nothing to do with the issue. Hmmm, now that I think about it – that holds true for abusers regardless of any fame or fortune…
Factors that “prove” the abuser’s “reformed” often have nothing to do with “the price of tea in China”, ie:
- S/he’s so good with other children
- S/he’s never hurt or abused any of his/her other previous boy/girlfriends
- S/he hasn’t hurt or abused his/her new boy/girlfriend(s) husband/wife
- S/he looks sorry for what s/he did
- S/he looks like s/he’s “learned her/his lesson” – I don’t think s/he’d do it again
- S/he completed all/graduated from his/her anger management/DV classes
- That was such a long time ago – it’s not going to happen again
- Awww, c’mon – s/he’s doing so much better now – s/he’s not: under the influence, unemployed, stressed, as angry, as immature, as reckless, as (fill in the blank) anymore
I don’t know whether it’s our wishful thinking, faith in the system or our desperate need to believe that change is achievable, but we seem to want to believe that total reform is possible even if the abuser is not vested in such a change (and in some tragic instances, despite the volumes of evidence to the contrary – even with obvious signs of ongoing risk for lethality).
Whether singer, Chris Brown, is a reformed man - I don’t know - but I hope for his sake (and for anyone who might fall in love with him) that he honestly is.
Should he be hailed as a “role model” for completing his mandatory classes? If he has honestly changed, can stay the course and is going to spread the word of reform to positively influence other lives, then sure - but if this is just a “fake it till you can make it” display to repair his damaged public image, are we really going to reward mediocrity (or what’s expected) with forgiveness, praise and glory simply because he has talent (or a Grammy)? At the moment, I’m not exactly convinced. http://www.newstrackindia.com/newsdetails/2012/02/16/268353-Chris-Brown-s-Grammy-appearance-draw-criticism-on-social-media.html
On a segment of “The View” (see attached You Tube video clip) his opportunity to perform at The Grammys sparked such a debate, but even more concerning was the “Twitter” responses from female fans who expressed their willingness to be subjected to domestic violence if only by the singer. As usual, the argument dwindled down to a single act of physical abuse (being punched in the face) as the deciding criteria of DV (but as any survivor of DV will tell you, the physical abuse was nothing as compared to the invisible package that came with it).
The public may have forgiven what this singer did to his ex-girlfriend, Rhianna, but it was certainly not forgotten and when reminded of his offense, the singer had this to say:
HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That's the ultimate F--- OFF
Somehow that sentiment does not reflect the remorse and humble repentance one might expect with heartfelt reform…
If Mr. Brown was not a celebrity, I’d say that forgiveness (on earth) was completely in his ex-girlfriend’s court but because he has sought (and needs) the public’s support and favor to have the opportunities that he does, that makes him accountable to us as well – and are his attitudes, actions, beliefs and behaviors things we want to support and promote?
I’m sure Hollywood could find an entertainer just as good (or better or worse) to endorse but as is the situation across the board with domestic violence, it ultimately comes down to US and what WE’RE willing to tolerate, support, forgive and forget.
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