For Men Only: Men in a No-Win Situation

Over the years, you men who have come into my Denver psychotherapy office have had a constant theme, “No matter what I do, I feel I can’t win with her.”

The woman in your life says she wants you to be more open and emotional, but when you are she accuses you of being weak. She says she doesn’t want a man to take care of her, but she is insulted if you don’t pay for dinner.

If you like her and tell her that, she pulls away because you’re being too emotional and pressuring her. When you act strong and knowledgeable, she says you’re cold and self-righteous.

Since you don’t know what women want, you often tiptoe around them, telling them what you think they want to hear. Trust me, this only makes things worse.

Here’s what to do instead:

1. Don’t protect her from your feelings.When you hide your negative feels (& positive ones), you are being dishonest and not giving her the real intimacy she wants. Sure she may get upset at the time, but it’s the right thing to do in the long run. If she accuses you of being controlling or weak, tell her, “You want me to share my feelings, so you don’t get to tell me what you think they should be!”
2. Don’t take care of her. Don’t put her needs before your own, and don’t feel guilty about that. When she gets upset, say, “I thought you were an independent woman who could take care of herself. If there’s something you want from me, we can discuss it and make some sort of deal.”
3. Be real – don’t play the role of “good father” or “good husband.”Playing these roles keeps women confused and contributes to their flip flopping on what they say they want from you.
4. Don’ let women control you through guilt.Trust your own feelings, beliefs, ideas and values. Don’t let her intimidate you with hers.
5. Open up to women.I know this is scary, so do it slowly or it will scare her away. But when you stayed closed about your own fears and weaknesses, it makes you appear self-righteous. This pretentiousness is not only unfair to the woman in your life, but it keeps the pressure on you to perform beyond your capabilities.
6. Deal with your mother. Your mother is probably where it all started, and she holds the key to your developing healthy relationships instead of relationships built on fear. If you can get past the fear of being “real” (no editing) with your mother, you’ll probably be able to handle all women in your life in a better way.
7. Test Your Woman’s Facades. Stop believing that because a woman looks independent that she is. Realize that women are never as independent as they pretend to be. That’s why you get conflicting messages: “Don’t treat me like I’m weak, but do take care of me.” Confront her and tell her she can’t have it both ways.
8. Communicate and Confront.Take a time out if you need it to get in touch with how you’re really feeling. Then let her know how you feel, what you want, ask her if she’ll do it, then tell her what will happen if she doesn’t. Then follow through.

Men today feel like they “can’t win” because they’ve had no practice. Don’t give up when it doesn’t go perfectly the first time you try these things. Go back and reevaluate, but stand your ground. Attack this issue like you would a ski slope – with respect for what you’re up against, but eagerness to experience it.

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