"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." ~Emily Kimbrough
Apology is not just a social nicety. It is an important ritual, a way of showing respect and empathy for the person who feels they were wronged in some way or another.
While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions.
However, in order for an apology to be sincere and authentic, the intention and the attitude in which the apology are given are paramount. The extent to which the apology is received will be measured by the extent to which the three R’s are communicated.
The three R’s are:
1. Regret: A statement of regret for having caused the hurt or damage. Perhaps you did not mean to cause harm, but you are abele to recognize and acknowledge that you did.
2. Responsibility: When you accept total responsibility for your action, or inaction.
3. Remedy: Although you cannot undo the past, or repair the harm you’ve caused, you now demonstrate a willingness to remedy the situation, i.e., by making a promise to not do it again.
So how does one move into making an authentic apology? Which characteristic is necessary?
For starters, there needs to be a palpable sincerity intertwined with empathy. By the time you’re ready to make an apology, there needs to be an in depth understanding of how you think your action(s) affected the person to whom you are ready to apologize.
At this point, the apology should be led by your understanding the primary focus is no longer about your feelings. It’s about the other person’s feelings.
This is not the time to begin the majority of your statements with, “I feel bad, I didn’t know, I, I, I, I…” because this makes the apology about you, and that is not an apology. It's a segue for the excuse.
The main ingredient for an apology is empathy. To be empathic, is to recognize and make an attempt to understand and share the feelings that are being experienced by the other person.
“To forgive, most people need to gain some empathy and compassion for the wrongdoer. This is where apology comes in. When someone apologizes, it is a lot easier to view him or her in a compassionate way. When wrongdoers apologize, we find it easier to forgive them.”
“This is likely because when someone confesses to and apologizes for hurting us, we are then able to develop a new image of that person. Instead of seeing him through anger and bitterness, the person's humility and apology cause us to see him as a fallible, vulnerable human being. We see the wrongdoer as more human, more like ourselves and this moves us.”
“Michael E. McCullough, Ph.D., Steven J. Sandage, M.S., and Everett L. Worthington Jr., Ph.D., examined whether the effect of apology on our capacity to forgive is due to our increased empathy toward an apologetic offender. They discovered that much of why people find it easy to forgive an apologetic wrongdoer is that apology and confession increase empathy, which heightens the ability to forgive.”
Here are five suggestions on how to give an apology:
1. As the eyes are “the windows” to the soul, make eye contact and say, “I’m sorry.”
2. Be humble. You’ll feel vulnerable, and quite uncomfortable while listening to what she/he has to say, but this is the position you chose when you committed the offense. You’ll want to speak and say anything to justify, rationalize, or make an excuse to relieve the discomfort of the moment, but remain quiet and just listen.
3. When she/he has finished speaking, repeat what was said to ensure that you heard what was said and to validate their feelings.
4. Before your response, be crystal clear on your intentions of what you wish to convey. This is the moment to verbalize that you understand what you have done, and to express remorse.
5. Release the experience.
A few years ago, when our oldest children were toddlers, I would visit one of my closest friends for play dates. She had three children, and at the time I had two. Little did I know that there is a big difference between having two children compared to three.
Their house was usually in disarray and during the visits, I would quietly try to figure out what was going on that the house was in such disorder.
Simply put, I was judging her.
A year later, when we had our third child, I quickly realized how three children could wreak havoc in a home, and I found myself in the very position I had quietly judged.
Unfortunately, it wasn't until I could empathize with her that I disclosed my quiet judgment. This is also when I apologized with a colossal, I HAD NO IDEA type of apology.
If I knew then what I know now, instead of thinking, ‘What in the world is taking place in this house?’ I would have, with complete humility, simply asked, “How can I help?”
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