Everyone brings something weighty into a relationship; maybe not early on, but definitely as we get older. More travels in life tend to expose us to more pain as well as joy. So, how we handle it all turns out to be one of the most important factors in our own character development, relationship skills formation, and the degree and frequency of maturity we generally display as an adult. A partner with no-baggage is an illusion and anyone who acts as though they have none is probably more sociopathic than baggage free. One reason this is likely is that hiding the darkness of our life from others is usually the second learned skill of “dissociation” (think, unhealthy detachment); it comes right after hiding it from ourselves, the first great deceit.
When those hidden away bags are found (on purpose or by accident) they are usually full of emotional toxins oozing out the seams. Our shadow, like food, tends to rot when left alone for a long time, in the dark and unshared, hidden from important others who might actually have the understanding and empathy we desperately need. Unfortunately, because these are things hidden and denied for so long, we resent being shown these previously unseen bags and will defend against or attack others who dare to offer us a glimpse of ourselves regardless of their good or caring intentions.
We need to be clear on a few basics first. Some wonder if it’s healthy to have baggage at all. Fact is, there’s really no choice – we all have it. Of course there are many kinds: financial, like debt; relationship baggage like divorce; family baggage, like a parent with mental illness. Obviously some baggage can be more toxic and inhibiting to our balanced growth and development than others. But what’s more problematic than what kind of baggage a person has is whether they are fully aware of it, have it stored properly, know how and when to take it out, and how to handle it safely. So having a lot or a little baggage may not be the strongest variable to signify emotional and mental health. The dimensions of the thing are easily as important as the quantity. Is the baggage so big that a person can’t get very far down life’s road without repeatedly having to stop and rest? Is it so complex that the owner can’t get his head around what’s even going on? Does the gal carrying it pretend it’s not as old or in disrepair as everyone else around her can clearly see?
Indeed, there are many angles to hold the prism when viewing emotional baggage; a slight tilt here and there can yield different perspectives and therefore might point to different courses of action or reflection that might be most helpful. Some guy with a ton of family of origin issues infecting his well being in many respects may ALSO have the external and/or internal and well developed resources to handle them so that he is generally stable, authentic, and well balanced. Whether through the help of a therapist, a wise friend or family member or just through a pre-disposition to self-learning and growth, some people can handle it under their own direction. They have perspective about, understand, and are in command of having healthy processing.
Another person with significant money or debt related baggage may have packed a lot into it but actually is aware and knows where everything is. He may also have a clear unpacking strategy which is slowly but surely reducing the weight of this particular burden. These two examples typify the kinds of people who don’t cry over spilled milk but do have a high urgency when their house is on fire; they know there is a big difference and act accordingly, which is what mature and emotionally well developed adults do. Failure to do this is usually the result of unattended baggage as we’re discussing here. Again, the mere existence of baggage is a sign of practically nothing useful to anyone – awareness of and a balanced perspective on what’s being carried is a better litmus test of the potential for a healthy emotional life.
So, stop looking for (or running from) anyone with “issues.” It’s a run that will have no end, at least not until you realize there are no emotionally weightless partners or baggage-free boyfriends and girlfriends. There ARE, however, people who don’t throw their baggage weight around and who don’t make it your responsibility to unload or carry it for them.
The healthiest among us are those handling the weight we all bring to our own lives, and in relationship with others, without too much shifting of the contents to those around us. Anyone’s best hope to deal with baggage of any kind is to find a way to trust, share, and receive love and empathy, all wonderful ingredients that can break the cycle of our clubbing others over and over with a bag we’ve carried forever, stored away and preserved through personal avoidance and denial (coping strategies and/or defenses). Not doing this can only worsen our self-awareness muscles and prevent the very happiness we actually deserve. Handling your own stuff takes self-awareness, honesty about what you see, and courage to let other people see you and help you see yourself.
In the end, handling baggage better begins as a very personal reflection. It then advances to become a heroic journey to self-improvement that eventually includes other important figures in our lives; reaching out and opening up builds a shared sense of love and understanding only achieved when we allow others to join us so we all may more easily carry life’s baggage together.
Living for the love of it,
Dawna J. Grigsby and Alan Daigneault
Comments