Skip to main content
  1. News
  2. Politics
  3. Government

FBI and stoners

See also

According to an article in the Wall Street Journal, the FBI is thinking about hiring computer hackers. The problem is that hackers can't pass a drug test because they are all stoners. And FBI rules state that they cannot hire anyone who has smoked weed within 3 years. Which rules out just about every hacker.

This should come as no surprise, as who else BUT a stoner could sit at a computer screen for hours on end, trying to figure out a way to hack into a computer system. It takes focus, patience, a lot of weed and thinking outside of the box. In this case, it's a stash box. So, seeing as in this day and age, the FBI might not have much choice, here is some advice when they introduce stoners into the FBI culture.

Put them in a room with really good ventilation. Otherwise, everyone will be walking around the office with big smiles. Even on Mondays.

Learn to like pachouli oil.

Dreadlocks and tie-dyed t-shirts ARE office attire.

Buy stock in Ben and Jerry's. Lots of it.

Buy stock in Red Bull too…odious as they are.

Get used to hearing Phish.

And the Grateful Dead.

Build a really gnarly indoor skateboard park.

And a hacky-sack court.

Stock the fridge and vending machines with all kinds of munchie food.

Do NOT eat brownies unless they have been vetted.

The same goes for the mushroom omelette.

Playing video games is a form of thinking.

That's it. It will take some getting used to, but America's security is at stake.

Good luck.



  • Jar-Jar is more popular than Congress
    A new poll shows Jar-Jar Binks is more popular than Congress
  • Missing girl found
    After 9 months of being missing, Abigail Hernandez is back with her family
    US News
  • Tree destroyed by beetles
    A tree meant to honor Beatle George Harrison has been destroyed by beetles
    Top News
  • Mystery flags on bridge
    Mysterious white flags have replaced the American ones on the Brooklyn Bridge
    New York
  • Weird Al album debut
    Weird Al's new album has officially debuted at no. 1
  • Broncos owner resigns
    Broncos owner Pat Bowlen has resigned due to Alzheimer's