In July of 2010 I stood by my husband’s side as his family buried his mother, his sister and daughters sobbing openly while he, his brother, and his son remained stoic. This past June I was emotional for weeks after we made the decision to put our beloved dog to sleep, but my husband and stepson were, once again, well…downright stoic...through it all. Yet I know the depth of emotion both had about their family matriarch, as well as how upset they were about what had happened to our dog.
My husband and my stepson are feelingful people, and I was mystified that neither of them betrayed their emotions in what I considered quite emotional circumstances. I also knew quite a bit about my husband’s divorce and the effect it had had on him, his son and his daughters, so there was a large part of me that wondered whether the two men in my life had simply donned coats of invisible armor, their hearts and emotions forever thickly shielded against any oncoming trauma as a result of many past traumas.
After decades of directly experiencing much-discussed differences in the way men and women emotionally process difficult psychological experiences, I wanted to investigate the subject with a man skilled at working with men in a therapeutic sense. I had already done four fairly in-depth interviews with women prominent in the field of remarriage and stepparenting: Dr. Jeannette Lofas, founder of The Stepfamily Foundation; Dr. Rachelle Katz, author of The Happy Stepmother; Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster; and Debra Chernick, Esq., founder of the Para-Kin movement; as well as with Paula Bisacre, the publisher of Remarriageworks.com, about her resolve to develop a comprehensive online support resource for women. I had even done an interview with Joel Schwartzberg, humorist, essayist, divorced Dad, and author of The 40-Year Old Version, about his advice to stepmothers (since his own wife is one).
Still, I could not escape the fact that in these articles (including the one with Schwartzberg) the unexpressed voices in the marriage/remarriage/stepparenting discussion were clearly those of fathers and stepfathers. So I asked Chuck Semich, a licensed family therapist, who wrote an advice column for Bisacre's Remarriageworks.com along with his wife, Jae, if he would be willing to talk with me about the emotional trauma of marriage, divorce, remarriage, and raising children from a man’s point of view.
Their bio on the Remarriage Works website reads, “Chuck and Jae (Jane) Semich are licensed therapists with their own private family practice, and each has also lived through the trials, tribulations, and joys of merging families. Chuck became a stepchild when he was 9, and merged his grown family (children in their twenties) with Jae's two kids, one a teen, another a preteen. In addition to counseling expertise and stepparenting experience, they bring unique male and female points of view to their advice.”
When Jae Semich suddenly passed away early in 2011, I was hesitant to press Chuck Semich about our interview. Yet somehow I believed that his personal loss would shed even more light on the way men process trauma, and that his experiences as a stepson, father, stepfather and remarried husband would speak to many women trying to better understand the men in their lives. He kindly agreed to move forward.
I’m very grateful to Chuck Semich for his willingness to participate in this multi-part interview about loss, love, healing and, ultimately, life itself. This is Part I of our multi-part conversation.
Do men and women process things differently emotionally? Is it a cultural myth, or are the sexes really wired differently – psychologically, physiologically – when it comes to expressing how we feel about divorce, stress, love, loss, and life’s travails? If there is a real difference, what should we know about the way women handle emotional trauma and the way men handle it…and what should men know about how women function differently than they do?
There's a lot of literature out there that provides convincing evidence of biological gender differences in processing significant emotional material. One of the most popular books, of course, is “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” There are at least as many arguments in favor of cultural explanations for gender-specific responses. On the other hand, we need to be careful not to over-generalize on this subject. I've met many people, men and women, who clearly do not meet the criteria for either of these arguments. My grief over the loss of Jae has been open and honest. When discussing the loss with others, male or female, if I feel like crying, I do. I used to believe that men need to be strong in these situations, and that crying was a sign of weakness. I absolutely do not believe that any more. If anything, the opposite is true.
In the 1970s, at the same time that feminism burst on the scene, in parallel, society seemed to give men permission to be vulnerable, sensitive and expressive of their feelings. I'll never forget the impact that the movie “Tootsie” had on me, particularly the scene where Dustin Hoffman was holding the baby while dressed as a woman. I wasn't looking at a man in drag. I was looking at a “mother.”
Anger might be an exception. Men and women tend to process anger differently. Many men seem to be quick to anger and just as quick to get over it. Many women, on the other hand, are slow to anger and even slower to let go of it. (Note the similarities with how men and women tend to behave before and after lovemaking. I once heard a recording by Gary Smalley in which he said, “Men are like microwaves, women like crock-pots.")
What often happens is the following scenario:
He (a day after the argument): "Hey! Why are you still angry? Didn't I apologize yesterday? Why do you always hold grudges?"
She: "You just don't get it, do you? Just because you apologized doesn't automatically make things better. I'm still feeling hurt by what you said."
My advice to men in this situation, after explaining to them how anger is sometimes processed differently by men and women, is to let their spouses “own” their anger. Be patient. Ask if they want to talk about it some more. Don't take it (the delay) personally.
Stay tuned for Part II, Divorced dads don't cry...or do they? of my interview with Chuck Semich, in which he will talk about divorced Dads and how they often deal with their ex-wives and their children, and notes what all women about to marry a man with children should be on the lookout for. Click here for Part III, Self-Awareness: the key to building successful relationships with stepchildren, and click here for Part IV, Hello Dads: Your relationship with your wife is your most valued possession!
Additional information and writing by Giselle Minoli can be found at www.giselleminoli.com, where she posts essays on many subjects of interest to both women and men.
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