The first-ever 90-minute show started off with category, "All that Glitters." Naomi Watts shone in a metallic full-length gown with a cut-out across one shoulder. George immediately gave it a vote for best dressed; Kelly and Giuliana agreed. Next up, Jennifer Hudson, who Joan commented that a skinny girl should not sing "And I'm Telling You, I'm Not Going." She wore a gorgeous blue metallic diva gown. Jessica Chastain had a metallic beaded gown that was a perfect complement to her red hair. Charlize Theron wore white, but did not win many kudos from the panel, but her short hair was awesome. Jennifer Lawrence was gorgeous in white, but her fall will never be forgotten, and as the ever bawdy Joan commented; "it was not the only time an actress was on all fours on the way to an Oscar." George gave it a best nominee as did Giuliana. Kristin Stewart was next, who arrived on crutches. Joan speculated how she got injured, but this offering was more thumbs down than up, and she garnered a worst vote.
Black dresses were the next offering and was called, "Bold, Black and Beyond." Nicole Kidman had a black and gold metallic that Joan hated; George thought it a best nominee. Joan commented on how skinny she was and if she should feed her or just make soup out of her. Halle Berry was next in a striped metallic gown; Joan called it amazing and said she looked like an art-deco vibrator. George did not like it; Kelly gave a best dressed nomination; Giuliana wants her to change her ten-year old hairdo. Sandra Bullock was next in a beaded gown, but Joan said it was more one-sided than a Scientology marriage, or busier than Kirstie Alley looking for Twinkies on Ebay.
Next, Nina Garcia from "Project Runway," joined the panel for "Baby Got Back," describing dresses that were so-so in the front, but wowed them from the back. Starting with Anne Hathaway, whose boobs looked like the Pointer Sisters as Joan put it. George stated that the necklace did not belong with the pink dress. Nina said that it was the Japanese inspired take on the obi, but nobody really liked it because it was too safe. Next, was Jennifer Garner in a burgundy dress with a plain front, and all ruffles in the back. Nina did not like the color, because it aged her, but liked the dress if it was on somebody else.
The next category was "Returning Champions." Reese Witherspoon, wore a retro blue with black emphasis, for someone who just had a baby, she looked wonderful. Octavia Spencer was gorgeous and looked like a princess. George nominated her for best dressed. Nina thought it had too much fabric, but she dresses for her size. Helen Hunt had a dress from H&M, but wore tons of diamonds. She needed to have a better dress; it was wrinkly and imperfect. However, H&M is not runway worthy yet, and she missed the mark on this one. Joan said she needs bangs; her forehead is bigger than the statues on Easter Island.
"Hottest Couples," was the next category. Channing Tatum and pregnant wife, Jenna Dewan looked great. Her pregnant body was wonderfully draped in a black lacy dress. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas looked good in gold metallic gown, but Michael looked old and drawn and more like his father each day. Next George Clooney and Stacy Keibler, she in a gorgeous linear gown, he with the gray beard, that George wants him to shave.
Next up, "Beyond the Pale," featured Amanda Seyfried, who had an ill-fitting dress for her body, not bad enough for a worst dressed, but not good either. Amy Adams had a pale dress and also looked like a princess.
The following segment was "Guess Me From Behind, Oscar Edition." Someone in a metallic dress with long blond hair was Heidi Klum. A silvery metallic gown with hair up and what looked like straight-jacket straps at the back was Renee Zellweger. She looked as good from the back as from the front.
Sarah Silverman joined the panel for more outrageous conversation. She then participated in "Like a Virgin," for newbies on the red carpet. Kerry Washington in a pretty pink/red gown adorned with a sequined top and nominated for best by Kelly. Naomi Harris, a Bond girl in a gold gown in a giraffe print with a disgustingly high slit, George nominated her for worst dressed.
Finally, the crew voted for the best and worst of the Oscars. Giuliana's best was Jennifer Lawrence, George and Kelly chose Jessica Chastain, Joan had the final say, and Jennifer Lawrence was the clear winner. For the worst; Giuliana chose Anne Hathaway; George chose Naomi Harris; Kelly chose Kristin Stewart. The final say was Joan, who chose the 2013 Oscars "Fash-Hole" as Anne Hathaway on this episode of "Fashion Police."