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Facebook fortune-teller win: Superpowers

Get the power to stop rust, diarreia, and nail polish!
Get the power to stop rust, diarreia, and nail polish!
Claire Thalken

According to the 'gypsy fortune teller' in Facebook's Astrology app, I have created a new recipe for a delicious juice that grants superpowers!* You know it's true too, because, come on, she's psychic. The little yellow lines clearly tell you she is seeing things in that crystal ball.

The idea came to me after deep meditation on my worthiness as a human being that left me reeling, yearning for answers that surely only Facebook could provide. (Read: I didn't want to do anything productive, so I decided to ask stupid questions to this “fortune teller.”)

I've been drinking it for a few days now. At first I was worried it wasn't working, but now I'm pretty sure I've gained telepathy. These two hot guys in a van with flashing lights just pulled into my driveway. Disco van party! Don't wait up.

*Use at own risk: If you choose to do this and it doesn't work, don't come to me crying and waving lawyers around.