Exposing the effects of abusive relationships

Articles at your Examiner’s former National Divorce Support Examiner Home Page column set out the criteria to determine a: Whether or not you are potentially in an abusive love relationship and b: how an abusive individual identifies and picks his or her victim. (See: http://www.examiner.com/divorce-support-in-national/unhealthy-love-relationships-101-are-you-an-abusive-relationshipand http://www.examiner.com/divorce-support-in-national/divorce-and-abuse-101-how-the-abuser-identifies-a-potential-victim). This article, will examine the effects of abusive relationships:

What are the long term effects of abusive relationships on the partners of the abuser?

Of immediate concern is the notion and reality that any type of abusive relationship, over time, be it emotional, psychological, or physical takes a great toll on the partners being abused. As the abuse accelerates an abused partner’s self esteem becomes eroded and ultimately the abused feels he or she has no other options. With a debilitated self-esteem the abused partner will begin to fear he or she has no other choices, that he or she is “unworthy” of a better relationship and will often stay in an abusive relationship in spite of the emotional, psychological, or physical consequences sustained. *Note the use of both gender pronouns. Both women and men may fall victim to being in an abusive relationship. While society tends to depict the infliction more so to women, men also fall victim to the abusive relationship. We hear of it less, however, because it is less reported by males as they often fear a sense of humiliation or embarrassment, or being labelled as “weak” because they are in an abusive relationship.

The self perpetuating result of being in an abusive relationship creates a self defeating cycle for the abused partner and the abused partner will frequently then cling to the abusing partner believing they deserve no better. Thus, it is obvious that partners of abusers experience a sense of denial about the abusiveness both internally and externally. Abusers are also expert in convincing their partner they are not being abused, but, rather that the abusing partner is doing what is “best for them” or things that are only “in their best interest”. Though this may come as a surprise, this denial is often comparable to the denial process that a drug addict goes through, all the while increasing their usage until the addiction has become so great that life seems pale by comparison without them. Of no surprise, then, should the fact that chemical dependency in at least one of the partners (be it the abuser or the abused) is often prevalent. Like a “catch 22”, the environment and isolation of the abusive relationship provides the “secretive” world that the chemically dependent individual often takes to in order to hide their addiction.

So, how does one break this cycle or gather the strength to remove themselves from the relationship once the reality sets in that they are indeed involved in an abusive relationship?

Pay heed to warnings and inferences from family members and friends about questions and/or assertions that they feel your partner may show signs of abusiveness. People tend to dismiss what family members say and rationalize their insights and comments because there may have been a family history of disagreements, criticisms or judgments thereby making the credibility of the concerned family member moot. Friends, however, have often walked a different road with us and can objectively see the changes in our behaviours fairly immediately. One should pay heed if, particularly, a close friend or someone that has known the person for a long time begins to make inferences or express concerns that one may be in an abusive relationship.

Don’t play games with yourself by being in denial. While, yes, we all have bad days occasionally, when a partner starts to exhibit progressive types of abusive behaviours there is something changing in the relationship. Know, also, that there are “acceleration” and “deceleration” patterns to the abusive relationship. In other words, the abuse may “accelerate” until the abuser’s goal is achieved and then “decelerate” when the abuser is satisfied that the relationship is “under their control”. This inadvertently presents itself, falsely,as a “decline” in abuse, when in actuality; it is more of an “intended” pattern of the abuser.

Realize that outside of the “normal” means of communication, you cannot change your partner’s treatment of you. If you are in denial about this talk to the abuser’s family member, friends, and even former partners if they are available. While at first, people may be squeamish about discussing the matter perseverance will eventually erode most “normal” consciences and the truth will surface about that person’s prior behaviour and relationship patterns.

The moment you realize you are in an abusive relationship take the immediate, necessary steps and remove yourself from the relationship and don’t hesitate to reach out or ask for help. If you cannot turn to a family member or even a friend, seek outside resources such as shelters, etc. To that end, the National Domestic Violence Hotline number in both Canada and the United States is: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

Follow your instincts. That is why God gave them to us! Love is a tricky emotion. Only in a love relationship do we tend to dismiss our emotions and not follow our instincts. Nine times out of ten, however, when we look back in failed relationships we find our “instincts” were correct all along and that truly, we saw the “writing on the wall”, but chose not to address or do anything about it hoping the relationship would change.

Educate yourself! While domestic violence throughout history was a “taboo”, in today’s modern society there is an increased awareness about the reality of its’ existence. The internet, itself, provides endless articles on the topic, on line support groups and a wealth of resources where individuals may seek help for domestic violence.

Remember, as Shakespeare once said “To thyne own self be true”. In other words, don’t kid yourself about the reality of your scenario: remain true to yourself by being honest with yourself and ultimately, by embracing the responsibility to take care of yourself.

“I saw a guy being really abusive to his girlfriend. She was asking people to help, but no one would. When he grabbed her, I tried to separate them, but he turned on me. I punched him and knocked him down. It wasn't a scandal; I was just doing what anybody should.” - Timothy Hutton.