Ex-fat boy John Mayer: I can't find a sexy girl who's my intellectual equal

John Mayer, who's shirtless on the cover of Rolling Stone, says he can't find a
sexy woman who's also his intellectual equal (Photos/Rolling Stone, Getty)

Duck-billed ex-fat boy Singer John Mayer, who appears shirtless on the cover of Rolling Stone, says it's hard to find a sexy woman who's also his intellectual equal.

Mayer, who previously dated Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson, admits he masturbates daily, frequently gets rejected by chicks at nightclubs, and acknowledges that his manufactured bohemian image has helped his music career.

”I’ve never really gotten over [my split with Jennifer Aniston]," Mayer tells RS. "It was one of the worst times of my life."

'WE HAD NO FUTURE'

Despite his admiration for the 40-year-old starlet, John says he dumped Aniston because the relationship had no future.

"I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with," explains the 32-year-old New Yorker. "What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f—ing fantastic, if I said to her, I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life. This is not my ideal destiny.”

HIS EGO WAS SMALLER WHEN HIS BODY WAS FATTER

Mayer, who in 2008 lost over 20 pounds, transformed himself from a chubby, curly-haired dork to a lean, muscular jerk chick magnet. To slim down and tone up his 6'3" frame, the naturally unathletic John worked out five days a week lifting weights, running and doing Krav Maga, an intense form of self-defense. 

Krav Maga is a military hand-to-hand combat system developed in Israel, which emphasizes maximum threat neutralization in a “real-life” context.

The fitness regimen includes a lot of punching, kicking and other exercises that target core muscles.

With his newly toned physique and a huge ego to match, Mayer is now on the hunt for the right woman, but says the quest is nearly impossible.

'I WANT BEAUTY & BRAINS'

“Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself?" he jokes.

He adds: "But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? You need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually, but don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there, too?"

The Grammy Award winner insists he'll be relieved if and when he meets the right girl. "I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing," he says. "Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a f–k about it.”

Sadly, Mayer's disillusionment with the army of skanks women he meets in seedy nightclubs has only made him more nostalgic for the women he has already had.

Says John: “All I want to do now is f–k the girls I’ve already f–ked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, 'But you’re John Mayer! So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else.”

'I MASTURBATE A LOT' (WHAT A SHOCKER!)

When asked if he masturbates every day, Mayer is reluctantly frank in his reply. “I don’t like that question, because it seeks to make me sound strange if I say ‘Yes, but of course I do,’ " he says.

Adds John: "I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion."

Like many stars, Mayer frequently gets hounded by paparazzi, but confesses they've helped his career. “I’ll be honest with you. All this weird s–t about me? All this strangeness? I wouldn’t have a music career without it," he says.

Adds Mayer: "But I am at odds with myself. I have some presence of psychological damage from the past 36 months. I have not had a woman appear in my dreams sexually without a paparazzi in the dream too. I can’t even have a wet dream without having to explain to someone who’s grinding on me, 'We can’t do this right now, because there’s a guy over there taking pictures.”

Mayer kicks off the world tour of his fourth album, Battle Studies, Feb. 4 in Florida.

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