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Every single NFL team name is offensive. Ban the entire league!

Every single team of the NFL is offensive and should be banned
Every single team of the NFL is offensive and should be banned
Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

There has been an uproar recently over the team name of the Washington Redskins. A small, but vocal minority, led by Senator Harry Reid, is claiming that some people are offended by the name, which they view as a racist slur.

Never mind the long-standing tradition of the Washington Redskins to honor Native Americans. Never mind the fact that the name “Redskins” was actually derived from Native Americans themselves. Never mind the fact that numerous polls show 80-90% of the American people, including most Native Americans, support the name of the team and have no problems with it.

But none of that matters to the politically correct, intolerant of intolerance crowd that can find offense in anything and everything. Bearing that in mind, I have endeavored to place myself in their mindset, however briefly, to find something offensive about each and every NFL team name, however ridiculous and absurd it may be.

Hold on, because the BS is about to get deep.

NFC East
Washington Redskins: Redskins is a racial slur that is offensive to Native Americans.
Dallas Cowboys: The Cowboys are a celebration of the lawless Wild West, where gun-toting white men took advantage of the innocent native population, violating property rights with their herds of grazing cattle, while slaughtering wholesale nearly all Bison into extinction.
New York Giants: The Giants are obviously offensive to the vertically challenged.
Philadelphia Eagles: Homage to the symbol of American Imperialism, the eagle. It is also a reference to the racist, slave-owning white men that founded the nation in the city of Philadelphia.

NFC West
Arizona Cardinals: Despite being a red bird, this team’s name is obviously a sly reference to the leaders of the Catholic Church, and therefore offensive to all non-Catholics.
San Francisco 49ers: A tribute to the gold rush days in early California, this is offensive to the descendents of all the Chinese immigrants that were forced to work in the mines and lay the railroads in the mid-1800s. It is also a shameless celebration of gold, and therefore Capitalism, which is bad.
St. Louis Rams: The Rams bring to mind the ancient and still ongoing tradition of breeding and herding sheep, which are then mercilessly sheared for their wool and slaughtered for their meat, violating their natural animal rights.
Seattle Seahawks: This is offensive and discriminatory to every hawk that doesn’t live near the sea.

NFC North
Chicago Bears: The Bears play at Soldier Field, which is meant as a tribute to every soldier that has served and sacrificed for the country. Unfortunately, it is offensive and discriminatory to every Marine, Airmen, Sailor, and Coasty that has also served and sacrificed without the honor of a football field named after them.
Detroit Lions: Lions are proud creatures that should only live in the wild. The fact that some lions are caged against their will in zoos around the world makes this team name offensive.
Green Bay Packers: A reference to the manufacturing industry, and the dirty pollution produced by it, it is also a celebration of Capitalism, and therefore bad. The cheese heads that fans often wear is also offensive to lactose-intolerant people.
Minnesota Vikings: This team name is offensive to every person of Scandinavian or Norse descent, and a trigger to descendents of the people that were terrorized by Vikings in the Middle Ages.

NFC South
Atlanta Falcons: Falcons have historically been used by the ultra-rich elite to train and hunt, and therefore perpetuates the idea of the 1% ruling over society with their leisure activities while the masses struggle as enslaved workers.
Carolina Panthers: Panthers are beautiful creatures that should only be found in deep, dark jungles, far from the evil humanity that would cage them in zoos for their viewing pleasure.
New Orleans Saints: This is offensive to every atheist, or anyone of any faith that doesn’t believe in or worship the Catholic saints.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A tribute to the lawless pirates that wreaked havoc on the shipping lanes of the world’s oceans centuries ago. It is also offensive to the real pirates from Somalia, and a trigger to everyone that has been pirated by a pirate.

AFC East
Buffalo Bills: A celebration of a man who single-handedly slaughtered thousands, if not millions, of peaceful Bison and buffalo in the Wild West.
Miami Dolphins: Dolphins are beautiful and intelligent sea mammals that are often inadvertently caught in tuna nets and then horribly slaughtered by uncaring Capitalists that hate nature and only care about their profit.
New England Patriots: A celebration of the racist, slave-owning Founding Fathers that broke the laws of the British Crown and waged a violent insurrection in order to establish an Empire that is directly responsible for everything that is wrong in the world today.
New York Jets: This is offensive to poor people that are unable to afford their own private jets, like the rich 1% Capitalists that own the teams in the NFL and fly around the country, spewing pollution into the atmosphere.

AFC West
Denver Broncos: A tribute to the men who tamed the herds of wild horses that used to roam the countryside, instead dominating a species and subjecting them to a slave-like existence doing work for humans, a direct violation of their natural animal rights.
Kansas City Chiefs: This team name is obviously racist and offensive to Native Americans, just like the team from Washington.
Oakland Raiders: This team name serves as a trigger to anyone that has ever suffered from a raid by a police agency or military unit, and is a celebration of the men and women who carry out such horrible raids that violate the rights of criminals and innocents alike.
San Diego Chargers: A reference to electricity, which is mostly produced in power plants that burn dirty, nasty coal that pollutes the environment.

AFC North
Baltimore Ravens: Ravens are dirty creatures that feed on carrion, and are a representation of death and evil. They are therefore offensive to everyone that loves life. They are also offensive to anyone that ever struggled reading Edgar Allen Poe.
Cleveland Browns: Really? Do I even need to say? Obviously this is racist and offensive to every non-white person that lives in the Cleveland area.
Cincinnati Bengals: Again, we find another fierce and beautiful creature that should live in the wild, instead of locked in a cage in a prison known as a zoo.
Pittsburgh Steelers: A celebration of the steel industry, which is responsible for vast amounts of pollution that have ruined our environment. It is also a celebration of Capitalism, which is bad.

AFC South
Houston Texans: Offensive to everyone that lives outside of Texas.
Indianapolis Colts: More mistreatment of animals, again horses, this time baby horses. How cruel.
Jacksonville Jaguars: This whole team is offensive to the city of Jacksonville, except for Maurice Jones-Drew.
Tennessee Titans: Titans were powerful giants in Greek mythology that ruled over the ancient Greek people. In modern days, a titan is a person or company that has become powerful and successful in their particular industry, again a celebration of Capitalism and the elite 1% that rule of the proletariat masses.

As you can see, if you look hard enough at anything, you can find something that is offensive. Hopefully this helps to illustrate the absurdity of those that are seeking to change the name of the Washington Redskins, just because a small minority claims that it is offensive. If we go down that slippery slope of a road, then we will ultimately end up banning every single team, as a small minority will eventually claim that they are offended.

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