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Eroding marriage

What is this uneasy feeling?
What is this uneasy feeling?
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Define erosion; “to eat into or away; destroy by slow consumption or disintegration. The process by which the surface of the earth is worn away by the action of water, glaciers, winds, waves, etc.” Obviously this process is an extremely slow one. It’s the reason why bridges slowly collapse, why metals slowly weaken.

This erosion sometimes takes decades, but never the less, lose their ability to support. One pebble at a time cliffs weaken, drops of water cause some the strongest metals to yield. It is a slow death. Its starts off small, like simple name calling; staying at work just a little longer. Maybe you miss a family event, then two, then later a third. Sometimes the good morning or good night kiss stops for what seems like no apparent reason at the time.

Then all the quality time you used to share seems to be delayed more and more. What does losing interest in your marriage look like, does anyone even know, would it even look the same for every marriage…don’t know. What is known is that all of these seeming innocent irritants slowly loosen even the strongest bonds of marriage.

Many times we've been taught fear instead of love, which is insecurity, and low self-esteem. What if we just choose to let go and let love. Fear and insecurity eat away at many marriages today. The thoughts and emotions related to those feelings do create distance between a husband and wife. Trials should never be a reason for you to give up. Instead it should be an inspiration for you to be strong. Maybe we become so lax in our marriages that we take them for granted.

You stop having dinner, you stop having dates, and soon you stop talking. What is it? It may take 10 or 15 years to get to a point that your living separate lives and only communicate to disagree on something. There is nothing wrong with your spouse being your best friend, it is wrong when they become just a friend. What “little” things are pulling you away from your spouse? Are you wondering why things just seem a little off?

The simple coffee meeting that becomes more and more frequent could be eroding your marriage. Any wedge starts with a narrowing edge only to slowly widen a gap and create more distance. Maybe it’s not another person starting the gap; it could be your ego or discontentment. It could even be your frustrating children that create disagreement with you two that is slowly chipping away at the love you once had for each other.

Sometimes we send the wrong signals when frustrated in our marriage, you may even say the wrong things hoping to get the message across that you’re feeling a little insecure with where you stand in your marriage. Chances are that when a spouse is frustrated with you. It’s about them. It’s their fear, their jealously, their boredom, and their insecurity. Maybe your spouse senses a lack of investment from you.

The bottom line is that you have to stay in tune with each other’s needs and desires, why, because they change over time. The honeymoon stages where “I only need to hear you breathe” have come to end. Every unaccounted for moment that you miss to create quality time with each other is eroding your marriage. Unaccounted for meaning when you’re not at work, or helping mom and dad or at a planned event of some sort, we’re talking about the times that you have nothing scheduled and don’t capitalize on the moment.

This, even of itself is questionable, because when you’re truly vested in your marriage, you make time. Over time, fear, as well as many other issues, can be a major wedge. Fear of talking through issues. Emotional detachment does not just happen all of the sudden, its erosion; there is always something behind it.

If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up (erosion) because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother?

In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage, how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance (erosion) will just continue to grow eroding the emotional and spiritual connection of your marriage. Is something eating away at your marriage?

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