Finding yourself a parent of a teen can feel like a rude awakening - especially when you are planning a family trip for the holidays. If you ask for their input you get grunts and shrugged shoulders; if you don’t include them in your planning you get complaints and of course, the rolling of the eyes. Consequently, to avoid the apparent disinterest, parents are often inclined to leave their teenager out when planning a holiday trip.
Parenting a teen, like parenting a toddler, takes patience and time. Although the teen may express a need to be left alone the truth is that they do want to be included. Including your teen is important if you want to avoid negative feelings later on.
Here are a few tips for successful holiday planning with teenagers:
- Include your teen in the decision-making process. You may be pleasantly surprised at the maturity of their opinions. Have a family meeting, perhaps during dinner, and make a list of all the suggestions each person makes regardless of how you feel about the input. Criticism here will be unproductive. Let your teen know that you value their opinion and that you want to make sure some of their needs are met. They may expect you to read their mind so help them communicate their ideas freely.
- If you are visiting elderly relatives, plan to do chores during the visit. Work gets the blood flowing, burns excess energy and helps to improve the appetite. More importantly, having the expectation of helping others is a great lesson to teach your egocentric teen. If you have never done this before it may take some prodding; for your younger children the tradition will become an expectation.
- Never expect anyone older than 10 to eat at the "kids table." Teens want to be appreciated for their continually maturing self. They aren’t yet secure enough in their new maturity to be grouped with children. Let them know you notice their growth by grouping them with the adults.
- Teenagers want to be as relaxed and as undisciplined as the adults. Allow them the freedom to sleep in, stay up late, play hours of video games or to just listen to their tunes - this is supposed to be their holiday too.
- If all else fails, give them some money and take them to the mall to do holiday shopping. Of course I don't recommend allowing them to run amok unsupervised unless they are in the latter third of their teen years.
- Let them eat what they like. This is no time for nagging about good health and nutrition. One weekend of self indulgence won’t hurt them.
- Never ask your teen how they liked the trip unless you are prepared to hear the answer. Let them be honest; and if they express negativity validate their feelings by asking them how they would like the next family gathering to be different. Make a mental note of their suggestions for next time.
- Let go of control. The point of having a family get together is to enjoy each other's company, relax, and to create happy family memories. Don't mess it all up by attempting to hold onto rules with an iron fist. Expecting your teen to behave in a way that makes you proud is being more concerned about your own self image than you are about the welfare of your child. Let go of your anxieties and control and you will both be happier.
Finally, take solace in knowing that soon it will be January and your teen will be back in school - having not done their homework.
Have a question or a topic suggestion? Email me and I will consider your request in a future article.
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