This continues from Engagement-Practices-part-1--Start-Spreading-the-News in which the L'chayim -- impromptu open house party made in conjunction with announcing an engagement -- and the custom of presenting a diamond bracelet (before, not instead of the engagement ring) is explained. Another custom among the Orthodox circles in New York, is for the groom, known in these circles as the chasson or chosson, to send a floral arrangement to his kallah [bride-to-be]. Particularly the more right wing and Hasidic groups, this is not just a romantic token of a dozen red rose, but a stunningly large centerpiece in the go for $150-$300. If you contact some of the florists that serve such clientele, particularly in Brooklyn neighborhoods like Borough Park, they would quote you in that range for an engagement arrangement. The arrangement is expected in time for the L'chayim or the vort.
Those who want to make a bigger affair for the engagement will go beyond the small celebration of the L'chayim and make a full fledged party with prior notice of at least a week. While some may actually call it an engagement party, among the more right wing, it is called a vort.
Vort ,literally, means word, and it usually signifies words of Torah, that is some type of lesson derived from Biblical or Talmudic. The name of this party is derived from Torah that were to spoken there -- by the groom and sometimes also other members of the family or a rabbi connected to it. However, it is quite possible to attend a vort and hear no Torah at all because the term has come to signify the celebration rather than the religious content. Vorts or engagement parties range a great deal. If the hosts have a large enough house to fit all their guests comfortably, they may hold it at home. But it is more often held in a social hall. For the less upscale, that may be the social hall of their school or shul, and for the more upscale, it will be a mini-wedding in a catering hall with all the works -- live music, photographers, videographers, centerpieces, etc. At such celebrations, many come bearing gifts, and there will likely be a table set up where guests may place them. For the more casual engagement parties, gifts are optional.
While most wedding-related expense are borne by the parents of the bride, the engagement celebration may be hosted by the groom's side or even by the friends of the couple. It depends on a number of factors. Women from out-of-town who reside in New York for school or work and whose fiance and friends are there, as well, may have a party "in town," for the greater convenience of most of the guests. In that case, the groom's parents may opt to host. I neither parent lives in the area, it is possible for the friends of the couple to organize a celebration, particularly if they are all centered around a particular campus.
The more formal engagement parties or vorts add on substantial expense to the families involved. At such events, new outfits are de rigueur, as is an impressive array of food. Often a complete dinner will be included, at least for the closest friends and relatives. For those who add on the extras, the cost can easily escalate into 5 figures. That is why a number of prominent rabbis proclaimed new "simcha guidelines" to cut on the spiraling costs of weddings, they included a ban on vorts. Only home hosted L'chayims are allowed, and there is a proviso not to try to stage a vort., in other words, a grander scale party, while calling it a L'chayim.
You may be wondering, "If the people can afford to spend, why should they be restricted from doing so?" The answer is that once something is done, it becomes expected, even of those who can't afford it. It looks like the person is skimping, which creates a bad impression just when they wish to create a good one for the new in-laws. People spend far more than they could afford to keep up with the standards set by their neighbors and friends. And some even accumulate substantial debt as a consequence of paying on credit or borrowing to cover costs beyond their means. That is because when "everyone" gets a diamond ring, diamond bracelet, and other gifts to be covered in another post, one is compelled to deliver the goods. That compulsion extends to the parties that are expected as well. Given this societal pressure, the rabbis felt the only solution was to demand everyone cut out vorts. That is very much in keeping with the tradition set back in the time of Rashi when the betrothal and actual wedding ceremony were put together , in part, to save the cost of an additional celebratory meal, see Aspects of the Jewish wedding: greeting the guests and breaking plates. Many do not adhere to the limits set by the rabbis' guidelines, so the expectation for vorts in some circles has not, effectively, been removed.
More on engagement practices and the gift script for engaged couples in the next installment of this series at Engagement-Practices-part-3-the-gift-script
For an index of wedding planning articles, click WeddingAdvice Also see Engagement Advice
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