Dear Deborrah:
My boyfriend and I went out to a nice dinner at Fisherman's Wharf to celebrate Christmas Eve together. But after we finished dinner, he told me that I needed to lose some weight. My feelings were so hurt and I felt really offended when he told me this. I know I have gained a few pounds since we have met, but he kinda hit below the belt when we were talking about it. He told me that he was afraid I was going to end up looking like my mom when I'm older. I can't even type that sentance properly because I just feel sooo offended, hurt and upset. I just can't get over the fact that he said that! What do you suggest?
Signed,
Crushed
Dear Crushed:
You can lose 150 lbs in seconds by dumping his butt! Make it his Happy New Year gift. Your boyfriend is an emotionally and verbally abusive jerk that uses harsh words to hurt you. Let me tell you how the game is played:
First, the guy finds something about you to criticize, to make you feel bad about yourself. Usually they focus in on the area that you are the most insecure about - which for the majority of women is their looks, figure or weight.
Secondly, they verbally attack you in an unrelenting fashion. Some of the guys augment their words with pig sounds, mooing like a cow, or they make faces to show their distaste. Others will squeeze the parts of your body where the few pounds of extra weight are stored in public settings to make you feel self-conscious and unattractive.
Lastly, they cheat on you with someone else and use your weight gain as justification for their behavior. Comparing you with the "other woman" they proclaim how SHE is skinny and attractive and you are not. When you are crying and broken, these guys feel positively on top of the world.
What he is really doing is setting himself up to be in charge of your self-esteem. Many women fall for it and think they will lose weight and that their boyfriend will love them again.
In reality, if you do what he says he will know that he has the power in the relationship and will begin to yank you around like a yo-yo on a string. And as soon as you lose weight FOR HIM, there will be some other criticism he comes up with, some other hoop you have to jump through to get his approval.
I say screw him!
Honey, if he is only with you because of how you look, you don't need him. It is completely unrealistic to expect that a woman will look exactly the same forever. Remember, women's bodies change as we get pregnant, have babies, get sick, age and go through menopause, get breast or uterine cancer, etc. Chances are you are not going to look exactly the same as you did when you met him, because the reality of living is that we change physically as well as mentally and emotionally as the years pass.
We all seek to find love that is solid, secure and stable - a love that we can trust will be there throughout our lifetime. Love must be accepting of our partners with all their faults, all their promise, and all their wonderfulness. That is the type of love that makes us feel secure and happy, well into our senior years.
If a woman cannot be secure that she will continue to be loved as she goes through those life changes, there is no point in being with that particular man. It's impossible to be vulnerable someone that keeps you on pins and needles and feeling insecure about his feelings. Neither can you be emotionally open and trusting of a man that says cruel things to you at the drop of a hat... you'll always be on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Your boyfriend is juvenile, immature, and a jerk of immense proportions. For your own mental and emotional health, please get rid of him before he completely crushes your self esteem.
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