Should Elin Nordegren move back in with Tiger Woods?
Infidelity expert Ruth Houston discusses the pros and the cons
Photo: Anaqi.
Recent reports say that Elin Nordegren still adamantly refuses to move back home with Tiger Woods. They are living in separate homes about a mile apart, and the media is closely following every move Elin makes.
Elin’s Actions Thus Far
Elin participated in Tigers sex addiction therapy at Pine Grove in Mississippi, and recently spent a week with him in Arizona, supposedly for additional marriage and family therapy,
But Elin refused to pose for a family portrait with Tiger and the children, and is said to have made a verbal agreement with Tiger that if he cheats again, she gets full custody of the kids and half his billion-dollar fortune.
There are reports that Tiger and Elin are seeing each other regularly (occasionally dining out together, playing tennis together, having a family picnic)
However, despite having put the divorce on hold, Elin still refuses to move back into the home she and Tiger once shared.
While we don’t know the reasons why Elin is so adamant about not living with Tiger, let’s look at the pros and cons of the two of them continuing to live apart, based on what I know of their situation, thus far.
The PROS
The positive side of Elin continuing to live apart from Tiger, and refusing to move back.
1. It shows that Elin is not one to be trifled with, and that she is serious about the conditions that Tiger must adhere to before she takes him back.
2. It makes it clear that Elin is not going to just forgive Tiger, and sweep the scandal under the rug.
3. It shows Tiger (and everyone else) that Elin is very serious about the conditions she has set for taking Tiger back and giving him a second chance.
4. If their marital home is filled with too many painful memories associated with the discovery of ‘Tiger’s affairs, moving back may be toxic to their marriage and could cause more harm to the reconciliation process, than good. (One workable solution may be to buy a mutually acceptable new home.)
5. Elin and Tiger may be better off living apart for the time being, if Elin’s emotions are still at that unstable stage all infidelity victims experience where they alternate between wanting to repair the marriage, wanting to have nothing further to do with the cheater, and the desire to punish the cheater, or get revenge.
6. It shows the public that even though Elin may want to save her marriage, she’s not a pushover.
7. If Elin is still not sure whether or not she wants to save her marriage, then it’s probably best for her to limit her contact with Tiger until she decides for sure what she wants to do.
8. If the reconciliation is moving faster than is comfortable for Elin, maintaining separate dwellings is one way to a way to control the process, or slow it down.
9. Elin’s actions send an unmistakable message to Tiger’s mistresses that they meant nothing to Tiger, and that she and the children are the priorities in Tiger’s life.
The CONS
The negative side of Tiger and Elin continuing to live apart, and not being under the same roof.
1. The two biggest fears of a betrayed wife who takes her husband back are 10 the fear that the affair is still going on behind her back, and 2) the fear that the cheater will cheat again. Living with Tiger again and observing his actions for herself is the best way for Elin to put those fears to rest.
2. If Elin is using her refusal to move back home with Tiger as a form of punishment, their living apart will delay the healing process and will be counterproductive to rebuilding their marriage in the aftermath of Tiger’s affairs
3. It’s more difficult to work on rebuilding the marriage when the cheating husband and the betrayed wife are living apart
4. Continuing to live apart limits Tiger’s opportunity to make amends to Elin, reassure her of his love and devotion, and show her how much he cares.
5. If living in separate homes is solely for the purpose of Elin impressing her friends, family and the media, the point has been made, it’s time to move on.
6. Refusing to move back home may be overkill, since Tiger has clearly shown remorse, has apologized, and has stated his intent to do everything he can to save the marriage.
7. Elin’s refusal to return to the marital home could be viewed as the kind of unreasonable demand, or insurmountable obstacle by a betrayed wife which makes the cheater feel that winning his wife back is an impossible task.
8. If Tiger feels that nothing he does will convince Elin to move back in with him, it could discourage him to the point where he may give up, and stop trying to win her back.
9. As long as they are living apart, Elin can’t adequately observe Tiger’s behavior, which she indicated would be the ultimate proof of the changes in his life and the basis for her forgiveness.
10. Not living under the same roof makes it difficult for Elin to judge if Tiger is really sincere, and see whether or not he is truly a changed man. Anyone can put on an act for a few hours. Being in Tiger’s company 24/7 will tell Elin what she really needs to know.
11. By adamantly refusing to move back home with Tiger, while saying that she wants to save the marriage, Elin is sending a mixed message. Alternately holding out the olive branch of forgiveness, then snatching it back, will only frustrate and discourage the cheater, and eventually cause him to give up.
12. In his public apology, Tiger said Elin would be judging him, not by his words, but by his future behavior. Living together is the best position for Elin to observe, and accurately assess Tiger’s behavior.
13. It’s difficult for Tiger to put the maximum effort into making amends to Elin and doing all he can do to try to rebuild their marriage when they are living in separate homes.
An Infidelity Expert’s Recommendation
Based on what I know about their current marital situation from news reports, (which may or may not be entirely accurate) I think the cons far outweigh the pros, when it comes to Tiger and Elin continuing to live apart.
I would strongly recommend that Tiger and Elin move back together -- if not in their marital home -- then in another mutually agreed upon residence that will be free of painful memories, and negative vibes.
These are, after all, people who can afford to live anywhere they chose.
In my opinion, if Tiger and Elin are both serious about reconciling, and trying to rebuild their marriage, both of them need to be living under the same roof.
Unless there are other factors that I’m unaware of, separate residences are not conducive to the healing process between these two, and the rebuilding of Elin’s trust in Tiger.
It’s Elin’s Decision
However, regardless of what I think, that’s for Elin to decide.
It’s her husband, her marriage; and she is the person who will have to live with the results.
*** © copyright 2010 Ruth Houston All Rights Reserved
Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called on by the media to comment on infidelity issues in the news. She is the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, the founder of www.InfidelityAdvice.com and publishes the Infidelity News and Views blog. To interview Ruth Houston, call 718 592-6039 or e-mail InfidelityExpert@gmail.com
For more information on the aftermath of infidelity, reconciling after an affair, and taking a cheater back, see:
What Are the Major Obstacles to Taking a Cheater Back?
Why Tiger Woods Will Probably Never Cheat Again
Why Women Stay With Men Who Cheat
What Ordinary Women Do When Their Husband’s Cheat
How Good Men End Up Cheating on Their Mates
If He’s Cheating, Take a Firm Stand
Go or Stay - How to Decide Whether to Give a Cheater a Second Chance (free tip sheet)
How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand (free tip sheet)
How to Handle a Potential Cheater (free infidelity report)
Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (e-book version with Affair Recovery information)
Other Infidelity Resources to Help You Catch, Monitor, or Keep Tabs on a Cheating Mate
Comments
In my opinion, a wife is not your wife if she is living apart from you for more than 6 months unless there are legitimate reasons of geographically apart in two different states or countries....If they are not taking care of each other's daily chores and feelings intimately, how can a good marriage stay ? In short, if Tiger is stepping up to try to be a better husband and father, yet Elin instils this "living apart" constraint, she is not really giving the full chance or commitment to help in remedying the marriage ? I am not saying Elin is not giving any chance, but she is like giving half og the chance and also giving some obstacles to Tiger as well... Bearing in min dTiger is a sex impulse high person, on one hand Elin forbides him to cheat, but on the other hand, she doesn't provide the intimacy relatonship as a wife, she is just creating unnecessary hurdle to Tiger.Well, for 3 months without sex maybe fine, but even a man of average sex impulse may feel unsatisfactory if longer
I agreed with wtcw... I sort of wonder whether Elin is of type of lesser sex frequency spouse ...what might then account for the fact whey Tiger has to seek outside for his extra high sex needs...It is really not a good idea for a wife to live a mile away from the husband in separate houses...What messages are they sending to the kids ...How to answer Sam when she asked mommy or daddy why they live in separate houses ..
I would say to Elin that she either have to take back Tiger as her husband or you end the marriage relationship...Meeting Tiger halfway hamper the chance of success of a marriage reconciliation. For a couple, it is easier to share feelings when the problem in daily matters come along I which won't happen if they are not living together... I think Elin choose the living apart path to save face for herself... which she need not because she was already given lots of face by Tiger's public apology... Besides, what's the point if she can save her face but lose her husband if afterwards Tiger is so disappointed to give her up because he believes nothing can change her mind to be back...
Elin in opting for the living apart option is NOT giving Tiger the full support in marriage remedy... I think she wants to save her face as to she is not desperate in getting back to Tiger... I think more important for Elin is for herself to really soul search as to how much she still loves Tiger... If she still loves him and wants the marriage to work, she will have to give up this "saving her face" idea and move on .. That marriage needs a lot of hard work for both Tiger and Elin.. If Elin is only prepared to give her support half-way, it won't work ... To be frank, Tiger is not that EQ very strong type of person... He needs a lot of support and guidance from his wife in order to be a good husband and father... So if Elin is not in full support gear, it makes the journey super difficult for Tiger when he also has to fight his battle to get back on his career which is another difficult journey...
WHERE ARE YOUR SOURCES, RUTH? READ NEW GOOGLE REPORTS AT LEAST.
Ms Nordegren is right in staying away from a "husband" harboring the sexual proclivities of Mr. Woods. Like any addiction or habit an individual can get themselves clean but there will be times when they slip back into their former ways if only for a single time.
There is plenty of time for a divorce (like anytime Mr. Woods decides he wants it). In the meantime the children can adapt to living apart from their father and Ms. Nordegren can clarify just exactly what she wants.
Really---Who would want to live and bed down with a partner who has fornicated with at least fourteen other partners since what was supposed to be a marriage.
Elin should not continue the marriage, but should divorce Tiger. She obviously cares a great deal about the childrens' continued relationship with their father, but she cannot trust him, and must move on. Those who contend that she should move back into the family home are unfair to Elin and are not looking at the situation reasonably.
Elin Nordegreen agreed to give Tiger Woods six months to prove himself. Elin knows that Tiger’s issues are serious and that only time will tell if he is truly committed to change. Rehab will work for Tiger but only if he takes it seriously and not as a mean to get what he wants from his wife, sponsors and fans. Elin knows well that she has a responsibility to herself and her children and I think that Elin has reasons for not wanting to move back with Tiger, yet. I applaud Elin for being cautious and for not giving up to emotional pressure. I think that she will make a decision in due time. Keep strong Elin, you are a true woman!
Tiger Woods REJECTED? Wife Elin Nordegren Refuses To Move In: Report
Huffington Post (blog) - ?Feb 16, 2010?
Is this your source?
Let me put it this way. You are married to rock solid person, man or woman, does not matter. You are sharing everything, every secret, every daily problem, all your love is in one basket. One day a newspaper breaks the news that your spouse has been cheating on you (with around 20 women) during your marrige all the time. How would you feel in a stage like this? Just say, OK I know you're sorry, let's take the kids to pre-school. Would you?
elin might really not want to live with tiger. he is a walking wall of vermin. she is probably afraid of what disease he is carrying. that marriage has no chance of survival. what woods did is reprehensible. his lack of regard, respect or just plain old common decency toward elin is pathological. he is a bona fide psychopath. psychopath's do not rehabilitate. elin is young and can possibly find a mate who is willing to reat her with the decency and respect marrige vows allude to. i think she has forgiven him. forgiveness does not mean getting right back into the marriage. it means not holding a grudge as you leave and move on with life. tiger needs to forgive himself and leave elin alone. she did not have sex with everyone who was not moving. he did.
Got something to say?
Examiner.com is looking for writers, photographers, and videographers to join the fastest growing group of local insiders. If you are interested in growing your online rep apply to be an Examiner today!