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Eclipse proves, vampires still suck

Blotting out the moon is easy for this defanged flick!
Blotting out the moon is easy for this defanged flick!
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Poster

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is now the third of these romance with fangs flicks I've had to sit through, and all I can really say is: "If you liked the first two...?"

Whether you're on Team Edward or Team Jacob, there's plenty of "who will she pick" titillation in this third installment. I, personally, am on Team Leave Me Alone and Don't Bother Me with This Super-Hyped Drivel.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has still got a burning passion for her vampire boy-toy Edward (Robert Pattinson), but now must face up to the smoldering feelings she has for werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner).

While in nearby Seattle, Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) is building a vampire army comprised of derelicts and street urchins to serve as her minions in her never ending (sure seems that way in the theater) quest to get back at Edward for killing her significant other. Victoria hopes to accomplish this by killing Bella so Edward can feel her pain (Victoria must've voted for Clinton back in the 90's).

The real pain is sitting through this thrice tedious turkey of a film in a series that tries to combine established Gothic archetypes (i.e., vampires and werewolves) with paperback romance novel cheeziness. Of course my favorite line in the whole film was when Edward asked Bella in regards to a bare-chested Jacob: "Doesn't he own a shirt?"

I will say that the fight scenes are somewhat better this time around (though there aren't enough of them) as vampires from the Cullen Clan join forces with the tribal werewolves that Jacob runs with to defeat Victoria's blood thirsty army and save Bella.

Just who Bella is saving herself for is in doubt till the end: Jacob/Edward, Edward/Jacob, Fur/Fangs, Fangs/Fur, Shirts/Skins, Skins/Shirts?  And, for my money, still isn't completely resolved when we cut to black.

Now, you have to remember the acting here is to captivate giggly teen girls so you really can't fault Pattinson for playing Edward like your local funeral home director, or Stewart's Bella for making conflicted look more like bewildered, and once again Taylor Lautner is easily out acted by his own abs!

Look, just because to me this whole series has been one long popcorn break, doesn't mean that camp followers of the novels and the other two films won't go ga-ga over this one too, but I kept checking my watch feeling as drained of life as one of the vampire's bloodless victims!

Comments

  • SteveC44us 4 years ago

    Thank you, Ed! Telling it like it may wise some people up, this series could have been so much better. However, the directors who directed these films didn't know how. I gave up after the first one and refuse to watch anymore!

  • juggs107@yahoo.com 4 years ago

    Once again Ed, your 'review' is undoubtedly more entertaining than the film itself! Uuuhhhh, let me rephrase that -- your 'review' is entertaining,the 'film itself' is not!