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Drive like Edward Cullen AND possibly save (your) face: Volvo and 'New Moon'

Here are a few terms that reviewers used to describe the Volvo XC60 earlier this year: “safe,” “sexy,” “usable combination of horsepower and torque,” but apparently they forgot to say, “might protect you from getting your face ripped off.”

Like with its release of a Volvo-themed video game, the company is skewing to buyers of wine coolers and Axe with its "New Moon": “What Drives Edward” contest. However, the message is as confused as Edward Cullen at a blood drive, and there is only one more moon-rise to try to prove your love for Edward in yet another way: through your car. What's next? Your sonicare toothbrush? His fangs are mighty white.

For those of you just returning from solitary: Edward Cullen is…; wait, let’s start with: "Twilight" is; nevermind, if you don’t know, maybe you should commit another crime and get sent back to the hole because you are too far behind to catch up.

Volvo has created a contest for diehard fans of the Twilight Saga that evolves in “phases,” like the moon, get it? Each phase is a "New Moon"-related riddle or puzzle. I signed up but after 10.2 seconds, had to stop. It required you to put out of sequence scenes from the trailer back in order, but I think you had to have written, “Mrs. Edward Cullen” in longhand over 3,062 times to grasp any of what was going on. Hurry! The last phase begins tomorrow.

And then there’s the voice over copy for the campaign itself: “There’s an understated beauty, and there’s keeping what’s most important to you safe.” Let’s unpack these phrases. 1) What’s understated about a dude who had to be talked out of sucking the blood from his lover Bella’s wrist-wound made by his arch-rival during an airborne duel over said lover’s pulpy innards? 2) Can the Volvo really keep you safe if a possessed wolf wants to gouge out your liver with his teeth?

What further confused me was why the wolf was so furious every time the Volvo drove by. And then I went back to one of the expert reviews, and found this gem: “The two-tone color scheme for the seats looks atrocious.” Perhaps the wolf is a metro-sexual, but then I landed on what I think is the wolf’s real objection, “Instead of settling into a luxurious seat that hugs a person securely, it was more like sitting on top of the seats with almost no side support. I kept sliding around on top of the seats and they felt too firm.” How can a wolf maintain any sense of authority sliding around like a stuffed Goofy doll?

I’m not sure if Volvo is going to hit it big with the kids. It’s not like their first priority is safety, though a few may like the fact that according to a reviewer, it can tow a pair of jet skis to the lake. Too bad he didn’t mention whether the cup holders could fit a couple of wine coolers.

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