Stay far away from the jerks.
You know him. He makes snide comments about...everything. He has nothing good to say about anyone (but himself). He's smug. He mocks everything in such a serious tone that he has to add an "I'm kidding" to every statement that comes out of his mouth. He has you rolling your eyes and looking away to find someone to help you escape from the conversation from hell. He is a jackass.
He is the jerk who thinks he's the funniest guy alive.
Unfortunately for me, I've known these guys all my life, from the playground in elementary schools to the bars I go to in my twenties. I'm pretty sure these douchebags will be around no matter how old I am or where I go, leaving me no choice to accept it and figure out a way to cope.
Here it is, folks--how to deal with the "funny" jerk:
- Pay attention to him while you talk to him--because if you don't, he will NEVER leave you alone. He'll continue to nag and bug you until you crack. If you need help with the smiling and nodding and zoning him out, count up prime numbers in your head. It's my little trick when I'm zoning out people when they're telling me a story for the upteenth time or when my mother bugs me about getting married.
- Have an escape path. Whether it's texting your friend, chugging your drink to get another, excusing yourself to the bathroom...just have a way to get out. Give him 5 minutes and move on. You can even make the conversation a little game--take a sip every time he says something snide about your friends, take 2 every time he makes a comment about you, and down the drink if he compliments himself. With the drink gone, you have an easy out to gt to the bar and refill your glass (and escape the conversation).
- Don't lower yourself to his level. He's going to try and engage you in talking smack and making rude comments, and the only place that will get you is in trouble. Smile, nod, and disagree if you must, but the second you agree with him, you'll be fending off rumors about what a bitch you are for having mocked so-and-so's awful choice in hairstyles. Keep the gossip and bitchfests to your close circle of friends, but keep the nice and positive front up for the rest of the world to see.
- Do not DATE jerk guy. Even if he's managed to omit the snarky remarks directed to you, it by no means is a sign of respect and that he's turning a new leaf. He's just being slightly less of a jerk. There are much better guys out there that don't have to hide behind their own insecurities and bring everyone else around them down. Just. Say. No.
The funny jerk guy will always be around. Learn how to manage him so he won't get the best of you. And keep your eyes open for the nice guys that don't need to make rude comments to get a girl's attention. And boys--third grade was a long time ago. There's no need to be a jerk to girls to show them you like them. Grow up.
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