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Dogs bit 4.5 million Americans in 2013, says agency probably run by cat lovers

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4.5 million Americans suffered dog bites in 2013, the Centers for Disease Control -- an agency well-known for their partisan stance toward felines -- announced on Thursday. Those numbers included over 2 million children who should have known better than to play in the neighbor’s yard, and exactly 5,581 U.S. Postal workers who made direct eye-contact with the dog despite explicit instructions not to do so.

The numbers were released ahead of National Dog Bite Prevention Week, an annual 7-day event of metaphorical and literal Dog Shaming, which begins on May 18.

In their annual report, the USPS said that Houston, L.A., and Cleveland -- a city known for their wild and unruly Dog Pound -- lead the U.S. in dog bites on mail carriers with 63, 61, and 58, respectively. Despite the fact that the collective population of those cities exceeds 5 million people and we’re talking about 200 dog bites, the message here is clear: Cats are a much better furry friend than dogs.

"There's a myth we often hear at the Postal Service," said Postal Service Manager of Safety and well-known cat person Linda DeCarlo. "Don't worry — my dog won't bite." Again, the implication is unambiguous: Dog lovers are liars who keep dangerous pets.

Because cat lovers must primarily rely on facts and statistics, as opposed to cuddles and licks, in their argument for species superiority, the insurance industry (which most Americans hold in deep contempt) noted that they paid out nearly half a billion dollars in claims last year on dog bites. Tellingly, figures on cat scratches -- which take place literally all across the globe on a daily basis -- were not made available.

The timing of the report is also suspicious due to a video that gained widespread attention this week in which a family cat rescued a small child who was being attacked by a dog. This deeply biased film not only bears the possible hallmarks of a forgery, but undermines the heroic nature of a long list of dogs who have saved their human companions from harm. From Lassie to Benji, these dogs weren’t celebrated on newscasts for the heroism they displayed literally on a weekly basis, but when the first cat ever in recorded history comes to a human’s assistance -- by acting like a dog, it should be noted -- the clip goes viral faster than a tapeworm in a kennel on Memorial Day.

If you’re disgusted by the institutionalized bigotry of National Dog Bite Prevention Week, join me in celebrating man’s best friend by taking time to approach an unfamiliar dog, the larger the better, and tell him he’s a good boy, yes he is. After all, prejudice is nothing more than a dog bite on the heart.

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