When do you tell your date that you don't have chemistry with them, or do you tell them at all?
Online dating is a numbers game. There are some who get lucky in love right away, and others that have an on-again off-again love affair with online dating for years.
My mother raised me to be polite on a date. Even if there was no magic or chemistry, she told me that sometimes it takes more than one date to know if there is a connection or not. Perhaps they will have a friend they can introduce you to, so be on good behavior. My mother is a wise woman.
Even experts such as Dr. Pat Allen, author of Getting to I Do, and Dr. Helen Fisher, who created the personality profile for Chemistry.com believe that both men and women need to give each other time to get to know each other and not jump to conclusions in the first few minutes.
Sometimes conversations on a date are so forced it is uncomfortable. Usually this will come to the surface on a pre-date phone call, where you can pass on moving onto a physical date. Still, I believe it is best to be polite, exit the date when it is over, and thank the other party for taking the time to meet.
So just when did it become acceptable to tell a date while they are sipping their champagne or nibbling on their pasta that you have no chemistry with them? Just what is the point of insulting someone who took the time from their busy schedule to meet you to say, "I'm just not that into you?" Who said that magic connection had to be instant?
I am bringing this up because just recently a successful handsome man told an attractive woman in the middle of their date they she just didn't do it for him. The woman was stunned. He was lucky she didn't spill the remainder of her beverage in his face. Her Inbox was full of potential male suitors, yet this man felt the need to tell a woman he just met that he felt nothing for her. He felt more like a man for speaking the truth and she was hurt, well at least temporarily. After all, she still had an overflowing Inbox.
Dating is tricky. Chemistry can be instant or grow over time. Call me old-fashioned, but I'll remain polite on every date.
I look forward to your comments on this topic.
Julie Spira a dating coach and the author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at www.CyberDatingExpert.com
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Comments
I think it's a horrible thing to tell someone mid-date like that. The solution: Plan a short date with a definite end. If there's at least the beginnings of chemistry on that first date, great, plan a second one. It's also very important to be clear at the end of a date if you're interested or not. Guys have to make sure not to say "I'll call you" if they don't intend on doing so. Women have to also stop saying "Sure, I'd love to see you again" if they don't want to.
It's all about personal responsibility. When the date ends, if you're not interested, simply say "It was nice meeting you." These days, that's usually code for "Well, I'm glad I didn't have to rip my eyes out and stuff them in my own ears, but there won't be another date."
Thanks for the post !
Ross Felix
Founder / DatingRevolution.com
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