Do teens really hate their parents?

Most parents of teens have heard it: “I HATE you!” Teens transitioning from childhood into adult thinking and behavior patterns often lash out at parents. Those loving little ones from the past are now bipolar monsters whose parents can never figure out. Do teens really hate their parents or are their other causes for the rapid personality changes teens experience? What do parents do to keep a calm household? Online Parenting Coach offers some explanations and advice.

Part of being a teenager is about separating and individuating, and many teens feel like they need to reject their mom and dad in order to find their own identities. Teenagers focus on their peers more than on their parents and siblings, which is normal too. Parents have been through this before. When the teen was a 2-year-old, she needed hugs one minute, and was throwing a tantrum the next. She was seeking independence then – and she continues to do so now.

A teen may lash out at this age to test the “safety net.” A healthy teen feels safely wrapped in a comfortable net of parental-protection and love. Ironically, then, it is sometimes the most healthy teens that experience this feeling of distress when they feel this "net" lifting. The more they venture into the world, the less they feel the comfort of that "net." Thus, they may start to do some strange things to test and make sure it is still there.

The parent may be preventing the teen from making the transition into young adulthood, which influences the teen to make an extra effort to "push away." A preteen often has a lot of adult capabilities, and mature teens even have a lot of adult thought processes. However, many are still treated like small kids, talked down to, or not given enough responsibility and trust.

They are passing into a time period where they are taking more part in the world around them, and they are learning to function more and more in the "real world.” This can be a scary time for some teens, and they may go through a version of what happened when they were experiencing a similar transition as a toddler.

What can parents do?

A parent can help her teen through this transition by allowing him to take on more responsibility.

A parent can help their child through this transition by letting him know that she trusts him to make the right decisions.

Let your child know that you love her no matter what, and make sure you set reasonable and gentle limits for her – and that she has consequences when those limits are exceeded.
Moms and dads can help their teen through this transition by letting her know they are there for her with unconditional love, and that even if she says mean things to them – they still love her.

Sometimes moms and dads feel so hurt by their teenager’s treatment that they respond by returning the rejection. Teens know that they still need their mom and dad – even if they can't admit it.

The parent can help his teen through this transition by giving her opportunities to show and experience that she is capable.

The teenager needs to be able to experience things outside the house in the form of field trips with classmates, overnights with clubs, camping trips, competitions or other activities in which he can show he is a strong, responsible "adult.”

Through these tough conflicts with your teen, you have to keep talking ‘to’ him (and sometimes ‘at’ him). This is an opportunity to demonstrate your unconditional love.
One thing to remember is that teens do grow up and the struggles will end. It may help to think about teen woes as growth opportunities for parents, too. Remembering who the adult really is can put perspective back in place.

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