I've been browsing your columns and find your answers...intriguing. I don't agree with many of your opinions, but I understand and appreciate your viewpoint. Enough to seek your insight regarding the following two-part question:
#1 How does one break through the "thug mentality" while still being true to yourself? I am a single, never married, black male, in my early 30's, no kids, never married, no drugs, smoking, criminal record, none o' that. Yup, I'm a nice guy. Thanks to the dot-com boom and my parent's smart investments, money is never an issue for me. Thanks to incredible genetics and a bit of work, I have a well-kept, attractive body...Christian, definitely not a player. I'm a continual social butterfly. People flock to me, both men and women, and I do a good job of entertaining, comforting and counseling as appropriate.
So, I have numerous women friends who confide their deepest thoughts to me (I can tell you stuff about chunks and cervical tears in infinite detail), but if I want a date, I have to "play thug." Of course, I can't keep up the facade for more than a few days when she realizes that I haven't tried to bed her. After a few nights of getting a woman excited, only to claim that you have a text about a situation that MUST be dealt with immediately, she gets suspicious.
As a nice guy, women ignore me. I put on the sunshades, tight pants, grunt a lot, snarl and answer in one word sentences...maybe smack a woman's bottom like it belongs to me and she's grinding on my leg. Accidentally struck the side of one woman's face and she crammed her tongue down my throat before I had the chance to say "I'm sorry."
#2 Are women really that sick? My best friend (a woman, of course) thinks I should just go for the sex...become the player. Yet, I can't maintain that type of facade. I want a wife, a real woman I can talk to and share my life with, not a submissive bed trollop, and for that reason I remain a virgin (by sheer self-determination, not for lack of desire or opportunity). It seems the only way to keep a woman is to never let her know where she stands...to maintain the upper-hand.
Where are the women who, deep down, want a real man instead of a skewed stereotype of a man? Why do women have no clue what they want?
Need to Know
Dear Need to Know:
You are generalizing horribly. The young women you describe above and have chosen to involve yourself with have low to no self esteem, and no understanding of what it means to be a black WOMAN. You neglected to provide an age-range for the women you seek to date, but it seems they are nothing but girls caught up in the Gen X mentality, living a video dream.
Secondly, though it's great that you consider yourself a nice guy and are maintaining your virginity, I can flatly tell you that in our current society that status is not appreciated. Nice girls that are virgins and go to church are laughed at, and nice guys that are Christian virgins are too! What you are attempting to overcome is the American society's version of “a real man." The hypermasculine, angry and dangerous black male stereotype is hardly exclusive to young black women.
The young ladies know very well what they want. What you aren't taking into consideration is the fact that people tend to want what they see others with. Why do you think television is so full of ads? Magazines, newspapers, billboards, and websites bombard us with retailer's ideas of what is manly, what is beautiful and feminine, what the "right" car is, what the "right" wedding looks like, what the "right" school is, etc. So when the majority of images in the media of black males is the "thug", folks tend to adopt that as the norm and seek it out.
Not only that, in the black community many young men and women are growing up without the steadying influence of a father who shows them commitment, understanding, affection, kindness and love. They have no example for manhood other than the thugs they see on television, movies, or in rap videos. It's sad really, but this is where we are.
So my suggestion for you is to maintain your vision of what you want, and maintain your values. You cannot go through life changing yourself to manipulate women into being with you by having them think you are a rogue thug, a ghetto fool, when that is not at all who you are. It will, as you have seen, come out sooner or later and she will break it off anyway, and hate you for lying to her.
If you want a woman of maturity, with an understanding of life and that holds true to values of love, commitment, family, and who would be grateful for an honest man like you, you will probably do best to look at women slightly older than yourself.
Though these women will be happy to meet a guy like you, will treat you well, would love a gentleman and romance, they will most likely not be virgins and may even have a child by a previous husband or boyfriend.
By the time a woman has matured, been through a relationship or two, and had her heart broken by someone she really loved and trusted, she gains a great appreciation for a guy like you. If you can wrap your mind around it, I think the 32-38 age group is where you will find a more thankful audience for dating and relationships.