Dear Deborrah:
I just saw your You Tube video about Why Women Leave Men. I do recognize some of the things you said in the video, however, since our son was born, I have tried time and time again to take my wife out on dates. I've even made plans to leave our son with my mother-in-law so that my wife and I could enjoy some time alone and eat out. I even made plans for a couples weekends in Napa and a stay at a bed and breakfast. But every time, she has refused to take the opportunity.
Our son is going to be three June 2012, and we are expecting a second child in April 2012. Her excuse for not going out is that her Mom is not a babysitter and that now that we are parents, our fun times are over.
Eventually, after so many refusals from her to have some "us" time, I stopped making plans and stopped trying to have that extra time since she doesn't want to. Today, she left our house in San Francisco with our son and said she's fed up because I dont care about her, so she's going to stay with her Mom in Oakland. Tell me how that makes any sense???
If she closed the door to us having time together, why is she leaving me??? Thanks for your time!
Signed,
Left Behind
Dear Left Behind:
I would suggest that you sit her down and ask her directly what she wants from you... what she wants you to do. She needs to be a big girl and stop expecting you to be a mind reader.
But before you do that, I want you to sit down and take a look around the house you share with your son and wife. And tell me honestly how much energy you put into maintaining that household.
Do you cook dinner, breakfast, make lunches? Do you do laundry? Do you take your son out for an afternoon so that your wife can have a break and maybe watch a movie and take a hot bath uninterrupted? Do you vacuum the carpets? Do you change sheets on the bed so she doesn't have to? Do you ever tidy up your son's room with him? Do you clean the tub or toilet?
Do you ever offer to massage her neck, back or shoulders without expecting to get sex in return - just to provide her with a moment of relaxation and intimacy? Do you ever offer to pick up your son from day care, to take him in the morning, to get him ready for his day? Do you ever initiate anything that she would feel directly helps her get through her day with less stress or pressure?
What I'm asking is what do you do on a daily basis to make your wife's life easier, to take some of the burden of responsibility for your son and the household off HER shoulders? What do you do so that your wife has more free time, knows you love her, and knows you don't want her to be stressed out and anxious?
Sorry to say, sir, the exhaustion and frustration women feel from working a 9-5 job all day, racing to day care, then coming home to do another 5-6 hours of housework and family care is one of the top three reasons women leave men. Most feel like if I am doing it all by myself anyway, why do I need him? All he does is add more to my plate because he wants attention and sex, when I'm too exhausted to care about either one!
Planning a special celebration is great, don't get me wrong. However, most of us live our lives doing REGULAR things on a daily basis, and that is where we need the most relief. The normal, nothing special day to day is where you have the most opportunities to show your woman that you care.
If you two cannot talk without arguing, it is time for marital counseling. Try to avoid divorce at all costs. It traumatizes everyone in the family and it's really not worth it. The problems you describe sound like a simple fix. However, you're going to have to change a few things about how you interact with your wife if you want to save your marriage.
On Sunday February 5th, 2012, I'm doing a show on a closely related topic as a matter of fact - The Real Reasons Why Your Woman Won't Sleep With You. Hopefuly you can listen in. I think you will learn a lot.
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