An uncontested divorce can be as simple as filing some documents and waiting for final papers. A difficult divorce is full of gut-wrenching decisions and changes. After months or perhaps years in court, grappling with property issues, financial upheaval, custody, visitation and scrutiny from friends and family, one can feel drained at best.
It is part of the process of separation to feel an identity split between the married self and the new person one wants to become. It can seem like every aspect of life leads back to pain and futility. If there was financial devastation and/or hostility or abusive behavior, people can begin to define themselves by the divorce years down the line. This is especially true if child sharing is not going smoothly.
It is important to do some soul searching during and after the process. In the midst of divorce stress, couples can get caught up in making the other person wrong. It is hard to see that holding tightly to a point of view is actually prohibiting the flexibility of thought that it requires to make positive changes within yourself. To move forward we must let go, not just of the relationship but of the limitations that led to the division of union and self.
- Find resources such as books, seminars, or support groups.
- Get feedback from neutral people that do not feel loyalty to either party.
- Experiment in safe ways with the “new” you. Give yourself permission to flirt, try a new activity or join a Meet Up social group to explore hobbies or talents.
- Resist the urge to let others commiserate too much, which can promote self-pity or resentment. Just like gossip, dwelling on the details and heinousness of your ex is a tempting, yet toxic pastime.
- Don’t let your ex define you by reacting in predictable ways or engaging in power struggles. Conversely, resist the urge to seek comfort from your ex unless enough time has passed and you are both capable of sharing genuine qualities of friendship.
- Finally, be kind to yourself. Realize that you are not just divorcing a partner; you are also divorcing parts of yourself.
Getting away from your ex is a catalyst for change if you make it one. It takes work, time, and new successes to truly benefit from the lessons of a failed relationship.
“You cannot solve a problem at the level it was created.” (Einstein quote paraphrased)
Resources in or near Riverside County are:
Comments