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Discover your relationship legacy and how it may help or hurt your marriage

Know your family's relationship history. It's just as important as the family tree.
Know your family's relationship history. It's just as important as the family tree.

I don’t know you, but I know you have a relationship legacy. We all do. Before we even get into our first relationship, before we experience puppy love and teen heartthrob crushes, we have one. It comes from your parents, and our parents’ parents, and our parents’ parents’ parents… We are born with it.

Look into your family’s relationship history. Are your parents married? In general, are there a lot of marriages in your family? If there is divorce, are they amicable, or fall-down-knock-out brawls? Do you know anyone with a healthy marriage (other than the Huxtables)? Do you even know what a healthy marriage is and looks like? Where and from whom did you get this information? They are all questions that begin to shed light on your relationship legacy.

We all gravitate towards what is easiest for us, what is comfortable. This is where our relationship legacies can be a benefit or a detriment. Are you gravitating towards a healthy, stable marriage, or a host of short-lived, traumatic relationships. Most of us of say (and truly mean) that we want healthy marriages, but we don’t always know how to make that happen. Wanting it isn’t enough. We must first become aware of our legacies, and then learn how to protect or abandon the behaviors associated with them. If you have a positive legacy, study it. Follow it. Tap into its energy and confide in those that have set the example. If you have a negative legacy, study it. Discover the broken parts and program yourself to take a different path. Study yourself. Find the damaged automatic thoughts and learned behaviors that are anchoring you to a sad fate. You don’t have to carry on a bad legacy, but you probably will if you aren’t aware of it and don’t learn to undue what’s been done.

A positive legacy can guide you through and aid you in rough times. A negative one can make those times worse. If you're used to explosive arguments that are rarely resolved and harmful behaviors that eat away at marriages, undoubtedly, this will seep into your marriage. If you're not aware, you probably won't notice what's happening. You won't see the paint drying. You'll think it's nothing more than another day in your hectic life. What it really is is the magnetic pull of a legacy that doesn't want you to succeed. Knowing your legacy is the only way to ensure that the two of you are truly the ones running the show.

Sending beautiful energy your way,

~Nadirah Angail

Got a marriage question? Looking for some advice? That's what I'm here for. Feel free to email me at or leave a comment here. (Don't worry. It can be anonymous.)

All Kansas City Marriage Advice Examiner content ©2010 by Nadirah Angail Habeebullah; reposts permitted with copyright notice and link back to original article. All other rights reserved



  • Larry 5 years ago

    You know, I've always felt cursed in relationships. It runs in my family. This is deep.

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