Discipline problems: When to draw the line.
It has become increasing evident that parenting skills are crucial components in raising this as every generation. Multiple instances of actual arguments between parent and child are being shared, that are very disturbing. Outbursts in response to rebellion, instances where demeaning hurtful responses, are instant repliess from parents are in abundance. If a parent cannot control their emotions in a high stress situation, how is it possible to lead by example? A child, teen or twenty something continually look to their parents as a role model. Contempt and frustration cannot be the answer when a hostile situation at home arises, but it is. Yet, parents in this situation, are surprised later on when councilors, court advocates or teaching staff show concern when confronted with an outburst from their child.
There are a few common place answers that have become increasingly outdated when raising the future generation. Children have been coached to believe suing a parent is a popular and acceptable alternative to living within the rules of their household. Nullifying the old adage "as long as you live under my roof you will abide by my rules."
It takes some inventive maneuvering, active listening and mountains of patience to be a successful parent. Not every child will fit into the mold our parents had fit us in at some point, what was once learned sometimes needs to be reworked or considered a wash. It's best to start again at the drawing board. Homing in on techniques that worked without harsh punishment and expanding upon them in creative ways.
Cultural differences, customs of people vary widely, a successful, well balanced child was taught in a host of various ways from different styles as applied along the course of their growth into adulthood.
Learning right from wrong as pertains to keeping them safe.
A reward system to teach a desirable behavior and adversely to decrease an undesirable one.
A code of conduct, morals, or sound judgement none of these things mature over night. But setting forth a plan can set your feet on a more constructive path then responding in anger. An excerpt from "A Child's World: Infancy Through Adolescence" quotes: "To discipline thus means to instruct a person to follow a particular code of conduct. While the purpose of child discipline is to develop and entrench desirable social habits in children, the ultimate goal is to foster sound judgement and morals so the child develops and maintains self-discipline throughout the rest of his/her life."
"Spare the rod and spoil the child." There are many such references to the bible's book of Proverbs, especially from a few generations before our own. The rod, in most modern day cultures is practically non-existent, and if it were to show up, red lights go off in the form or police cars. So how do we take this core reference and apply it to this day and age? Change the word 'rod' to "firmness", be solid.
Once a decision is made stick to it. For example: "If you do your homework right after school before dinner, then I will bring you and your friends to the skating rink on the weekend." No amount of whining, outbreaks of physical aggression or any other manipulative techniques by the child should make that decision change. Remind them gently they can try again on their homework and maybe they'll be able to take that trip to the rink the following weekend.
"Do as I say, not as I do." Just throw this one right out the door, unless the inference describes the humanness of the adult parent. Parents also make mistakes and yes, they fall down and go boom. In that case, to say to a child. "I was wrong, I don't want you to make the same mistake. I hope you will learn from mine and not have to experience this for yourself." Is a much more heart felt way of saying the same thing. Giving the youth an opportunity to remember and make the right choices in the future. Instead perhaps of choosing to do the same in a moment of rebellion.
There is still a concern at the beginning of this article that has not been addressed. It has become very obvious that a demeaning, incredibly heartbreaking response pops up more often of late. Telling your children you hate them, or wish them dead can never be taken back. Verbal abuse is just that abuse.
Draw the line.
There is maybe now a need to explain something not spoken of with verbal abuse. Words spoken out loud especially painful ones, are never forgotten. They will pop up in some of the oddest scenes.
The day of your first job interview when you think you can't get the position.
At the crucial moment of pursuing college, suddenly the memory of harsh words reverberate in the psyche that your not smart, actually your too stupid for college.
Let it be that verbal abuse doesn't push you into the arms of someone who has no capacity to treat you with respect as the vital, talented and uniquely beautiful person you truly are.
If there has ever been a situation where you find yourself spewing painful words from your mouth, please remember to shut it. Just shut it, hold your breath, walk away and let yourself breathe. There is no need to continue any conversation, it can wait til later. Never discipline in anger.
Authoritative parents are parents who use warmth, firm control, and rational, issue-oriented discipline, in which emphasis is placed on the development of self-direction. They place a high value on the development of autonomy and self-direction but assume the ultimate responsibility for their child's behavior. 'Excerpt from Parent literacy styles'
Authoritarian parents are parents who use punitive, absolute, and forceful discipline, and who place a premium on obedience and conformity. Parents exhibit good emotional understanding and control, children also learn to manage their own emotions and learn to understand others as well. Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. "Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75(1), 43-88." These parents believe it is their responsibility to provide for their children and that their children have no right to tell the parent how best to do this. Adults are expected to know from experience what is really in the child's best interest and so adult views are allowed to take precedence over child desires. Children are perceived to know what they want but not necessarily what is best for them. 'Excerpt from Parenting styles'
Indulgent parents are parents who are characterized by responsiveness but low demandingness, and who are mainly concerned with the child's happiness. They behave in an accepting, benign, and somewhat more passive way in matters of discipline. Indifferent parents are parents who are characterized by low levels of both responsiveness and demandingness. They try to do whatever is necessary to minimize the time and energy they must devote to interacting with their child. In extreme cases, indifferent parents may be neglectful. 'Excerpt from Adolesence by Steinberg' "They ask very little of their children. For instance, they rarely assign their children chores. They tend to be relatively uninvolved in their children's lives. It's not that they don't love their children. It's just that they believe their children should live their own lives, as free of parental control as possible." Joseph Lao, Ph.D
Notice the style you lean towards, make a few adjustments if need be, don't let our future generation lose their dignity, and become creatures of disrespect because of our lack of awareness against verbal abuse.