Desirée's intimate journey into the erotic world of kink - part 4

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In Part 1 of this series we met Desirée, a 38 year old single Ohio woman who recently began exploring the world of alternative lifestyles. In Part 2 we looked at her brief flirtation with the realm of swinging, and in Part 3 we followed her into the world of kink. In Part 4 we hear the conclusion of her first BDSM play session, and investigate more of the psychological, spiritual, and philosophical aspects of kink.

A new literature is emerging. Books and articles are being written about the transformative spiritual aspects of BDSM. One can now easily find such titles as Spiritual Transformation through BDSM, Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence, and Philosophy In the Dungeon, The Magic of Sex & Spirit. Desirée is only just beginning to explore the world of BDSM, but already one can find elements of spiritual transformation in her new lifestyle. For Desirée, pain is a key element, but many forms of BDSM do not involve pain. Bondage and Discipline (BD) is about physical control. It often involves pain, but not necessarily. Domination and Submission (DS) is about mental control, and again does not necessarily involve pain. Sadism and Masochism (sadomasochism or SM) is about the transformation of pain into pleasure. As we shall see in a moment, one can find elements of all three aspects in Desirée's journey.

How are we to understand BDSM from a philosophical and spiritual perspective? There are many possible approaches, but here are a few ideas that may be worth considering: Each of us lives at the center of many worlds, surrounded by countless horizons. Each horizon is created by a limitation in our nature.

We are defined by our limits and most of us intuitively understand that we would cease to exist without them.

Out of this understanding, there springs a need for some sense of stability and security. But as living beings, we also have to learn, grow and constantly adapt to changing realities. Thus, our need for stability is accompanied by a persistent restless.

We sense "something beyond" and feel what may be thought of as a "spiritual calling" to venture out in search of whatever it may be.

At the root of all of this is our sense of identity; our sense of self. We are compelled to become more than we are, but we are terrified of losing ourselves in the process. Ironically, the process of becoming more than we currently are just is a process of losing ourselves. We must lose ourselves in order to reach more deeply into ourselves. This is a form of transcendence. Consciously, we seek pleasure and avoid pain, but below the levels of our daily consciousness activity, life is not about pleasure or pain, as such; it is about the intensity of simply Being.

Pain is rarely just pain; in most cases it is life in pursuit of growth. Sadomasochism is not simply a pursuit of pain or pleasure; it's a quest for intensity and transformation. It is a form of spiritual growth.

Of course not everyone engaging in BDSM consciously understands this. On the contrary, most people in the kink community probably have little or no conscious understanding of why they do what they do, at least in the beginning. They just know that they need to push certain boundaries in search of thrills that can be achieved in no other way, and so, despite the snickers and scowls of the people who don't understand them, the kinksters venture forth.

As we have already seen, the word transcendence is often used in the lingo of BDSM, just as it is used in the realms of mysticism and religion. Why? Because, for many people, BDSM is a path to transcendence.

The self, which is defined by its limits, seeks to exceed its limits and thus become more than it is. Logically, the self must lose itself in this process. Modern BDSM is a consensual ritual by which people inflict and endure physical or psychological control, hardship, or pain of one sort or another in the pursuit of pleasure and previously unknown depths of experience. The method in this kinky madness is the transcendence of ordinary pain/pleasure duality in search of something beyond the horizons of the everyday self in everyday life.

With this perspective in mind, let's take a look at the second half of Desirée's first BDSM play session:

After a few moments of enjoying the warm summer evening with a cold drink, it was time to begin again. This time Marla locked me to the spreader bar, with hooks for my wrists on the inside of my ankles. The spreader bar was then connected to the equipment overhead so that my legs and arms were held up while I lay with my back on the bench. I have never felt so exposed.

To grow is to be forced out of one's comfort zone. Vulnerability is a prerequisite for transformation.

At first I was able to see what was going on, though the tangle of my arms and legs between me and Master blocked most of my view. After a few hand slaps...Master picked up the crop and...proceeded to slap [me] with the leather end of the crop. After a few strikes I was squirming and found myself very close to my limit. Each quick slap was agonizing with little chance to catch my bearings before the next one. At one point Master did a rapid fire strike, 4 or 5 in a row, and I was on the brink – just as the safe word was forming on my lips he paused and the intensity reduced. I swallowed the safe word in a ragged gasp. Then the blindfold was once again placed over my eyes.

Consider the significant symbolism that runs rampant through every aspect of this experience. The blindfold: Giving up one's vision in order to gain new vision; Peering into the darkness to find a new source of light. Constraints: Giving up one's physical freedom to gain liberation in another realm of one's being. Pain: Accepting and embracing what we've previously struggled to avoid. Why? Because what we are most resolute to avoid are often the keys to our inner treasures – the keys that open the doors to "la la land."

This last sequence is a very big blur – once the vibrating toys... came into play I flirted with ‘la la’ land a lot. I was a gasping mess for most of it, mindless....the orgasms no longer had a start or an end, just and endlessly rolling explosion of pleasure on the brink of pain. I turned to jelly and let the sensations wash over me...

At this point the experience began to evolve into something closer to "vanilla sex" as the Master removed the blindfold and released Desirée from bondage. It is easy to think that this is all nothing more than "weird sex," but as suggested earlier, there is more going on here than simple pain and pleasure. Desirée is a bright and articulate woman. In many different ways she understands the powerful transformative forces at work in her new-found passion.

At my core, I am a very strong willed, independent person. But I also have a deep seated desire to please others. The release I experience by submitting physically to another person (my Master in BDSM play) allows me to let go of all that control and simply be. I’m nothing more than what my Master desires for that span of time. It is a very liberating concept and something that I have come to relish. All that is required of me is my truthful reaction, endurance, and obedience. As I experience more of this type of play I am finding more pleasure in the pain my Master gives, which allows him to give more pain, which continues the cycle.

Notice the interweaving of the terminology of truth and play. Desirée, Master, and Marla are like children engaging in a role-playing fantasy; for the magic spell to work, they need to let their reactions be as truthful as possible. This is sexual fantasy in search of a deeper, liberating truth. It is sometimes said that great art reveals truth. In this way, BDSM play can be thought of as a very powerful form of performance art. But this sort of play is no mere performance. These are not actors attempting to portray characters; they are more like children discovering themselves through enacted fantasy. In this case the medium of artistic expression is raw, truthful emotion. Being bound and exposed was only a surface-level form of vulnerability – the true target was a deeper form of vulnerability; a form of transcendence that comes from living fully in the moment without hiding either the beauty or the ugliness of truth.

BDSM play lets me experience facets of myself that I don’t experience in everyday activities. Just like vanilla sex, BDSM play comes in many different flavors, depending on the people involved. A gentle kiss may be just what you need to find your sexual bliss. I desire a firm hand wrapped around my throat. My Master is a sadist; he likes to give pain rewarded with pleasure. I’ve discovered that I am a masochist; I like to receive pain rewarded with pleasure. We both get a great deal of satisfaction from this and, ultimately, that is what you want from any sexual relationship.

BDSM is neither a "higher" nor "lower" form of erotic spirituality. Indeed, erotic spirituality is neither a "higher" nor "lower" form of spirituality in general. Both biologically and spiritually, diversity is an underlying theme of life. There are many paths to truth, joy, and transcendence. BDSM is not the best path for everyone, but it does appear to be the best path for some. Desirée knows this, and through the sharing of her story, she seeks to let the truth of her own path come out into the light of day.

Vanilla (mainstream) sex and BDSM sex have the same goal; a satisfying experience and ultimately a fulfilling climax. The difference here is in the travel necessary to get to that destination. A lot of people like to hike; some prefer the well worn foot path with easy, comfortable steps and some people like to scale the rock face, with sharp edges and scary drops. But both types of people are looking to make it safely to the top of the mountain. Similarly, vanilla sex takes the comfortable path, enjoys the view, and reaches a fulfilling climax; BDSM sex seeks the adrenaline, sharp edges and scary drops and reaches a fulfilling climax. Two radically different approaches to exactly the same goal; neither is implicitly right or wrong – an individual is left to decide what approach works best.

Desirée's path is different, and for this reason she has a practical responsibility to protect herself from the social and political retaliations of a judgmental majority. But insofar as anyone can realistically tell, her path is as good as any, and like anyone who truly comes to know themselves, she is not ashamed. The irony is delicious. By suffering the pain and humiliation of being a slave, she has found a spiritually fulfilling path to joy and liberation.