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Interpersonal tension at the office is a bummer! It replaces real work getting done with cold stares and hot gossip. Conflict, the kind that simmers, boils and never seems to be resolved, inflicts tremendous direct and indirect damage to companies. Billions are spent on coaching and other types of programs. So why do these interventions all too often come up short? And the answer is… because we’re looking in all the wrong places! You are about to have light shed on the underlying issues that create the ugliness of office politics. You will then be able to take steps to mediate conflict, and even turn it into a growth opportunity.
First, we often forget to look at interpersonal relationships. It’s not just about how Joe mistreats Martha; Fred talks down to Dan; Reggie gets the plum assignments; Charlotte constantly feels discounted. It’s about how we all act and react to this swirl of emotions. We take sides with some, ignore others, and talk about “them” behind closed doors. We judge, finger point, protect, or attack. It all sounds and feels so familiar. Sort of like, well, like our families. Without even realizing it, we bring patterns of behavior from our families to work and when stress and anxiety show up, so do the old patterns. We become “the kids” again. And that’s why conflict is so costly and exhausting at work.
Think about it for a moment. The original organization we all joined was the family. That is where we learned about fairness, trust, cooperation, betrayal, secrets, and alliances. Mostly, we are unaware that we bring all the pleasures and pressures from this initial group with us into our present work organization. Once we begin to explore the similarities of how we behaved with our parents, caretakers, siblings and other relatives we can make progress in taming the lions of anger and resentment at work and develop more appropriate ways of behaving.
There are not quantitative studies that indicate the frequency at which workplace flare-ups resolve down to family patterns. Yet, intuitively we can all see how this operates. We all strive to be mature in our professional dealing and much of the time we are successful. That is until stress escalates and anxiety kicks in: a deadline approaches and the project is nowhere near finished; budget cuts force cancellation of crucial meetings; and important sale went to the competition. Suddenly, your teeth are on edge when the know-it-all who reminds you of your older brother tells you what to do and you respond with a flip comment or your boss blames you for the wrong color brochure and you accept all the blame, even it it’s not your fault, just like you did when your mother used to yell at you.
When you can identify your early ways of reacting to stress and check to see if you are repeating them at the office, you have the advantage. Then you can choose to change your responses. If you were the “rebel” at home you can become a “community builder”, if you were the “rescuer”, become a “mentor”, “pleasers” transform into “truth tellers”, and so on. The message here is an empowering one. If you get a handle on what really causes workplace conflict, you can learn to recognize it in its early stages, before it has caused great harm.
Once you check to see if your present behavior is an old patterned reaction from childhood, you can make the shift. Don’t fret if you are not absolutely sure, trust your intuition and more than likely you are on the right track. The good news about family systems as well as work systems is that if one individual is willing to make the change it can have a positive impact on everyone.
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