Don't you wish someone could help you solve conflicts with your teen daughter? I interviewed Gretchen Dorr Horst, LCSW, DAPA on Mother/Daughter Relationships recently and found her insights invaluable. Here, Dorr Horst explores why some problems arise between mothers and daughters. She also covers the value of discussing sex with your teen girl.
Q: Why do mothers and daughters often have problems communicating?
GH: Mothers and daughters are sometimes in competition with each other. Some mothers may feel threatened by their daughters. Their relationship with their daughter is often a reflection of the way they feel about themselves.
In a healthy relationship between a mother and daughter, a mother can impart wisdom and model what it’s like to be a woman, mother or wife. Often you'll see mothers who feel their value is based on whether men value them. If this is true, then you are only valuable if you are young, slender and beautiful. This throws them into competition with their daughters for male attention.
These women will want to dress and act like their daughters. Often they take on the role more of sibling than parent. They may have a similar relationship with their own mother and dread moving into old age and being “the Crone.” Women, who feel good about their femininity, honor all stages of womanhood.
Q: What usually prompts the beginning of a war between mother and daughter?
GH: Sometimes it starts in infancy. Traditionally in many societies male children have been desired by both men and women. If women are still holding these old beliefs, then they often reject their girl children as they reject themselves. Their low self esteem is projected onto their daughters.
These women are not as affectionate with their daughters as they are with their sons. As they reach the Oedipal stage of development at about age five, girls often fall in love with Daddy. As they realize that they can’t have Daddy, but some day someone like him, they then begin to identify with their Mother. If they do not feel accepted by their mother, they have difficulty wanting to be like her.
Q: I've seen girls who were close to their mothers before they hit adolescence. But then things go downhill?
GH: Some moms and daughters are close, but during the teen years there can be rebellion. Girls often will rebel more than boys, and it can be harder with teenage daughters than sons. Parents as a whole tend to be more worried about their daughters They worry about them having sex and or getting pregnant. If there is a good relationship before a daughter reaches puberty, it often will continue. If there is conflict before the teenage years and a lack of closeness then these adolescent years can be tumultuous.
Q: What can we do as mothers and daughters to have a smoother relationship?
GH: On a daily basis we need to stop seeing our mothers or daughters as a problem, but instead think about how we can support one another. In loving your daughter you want her to be happy and succeed in life.
Remember how you felt as a young girl. What were some of your fears and concerns? How nice would it have been to have a mother who was supportive, understanding, and non-judgmental? As a good parent we need to love our children but not try to possess them. They have their own path. As we honor their uniqueness, they then can more readily accept us and themselves.
If we are modeling good self esteem, then our sense of self worth can not be based on any of our roles in life. For many women who have given so much of themselves to motherhood, they may feel tremendous loss when their children grow and leave home. Having other interests and passions in life will make this transition go smoother. We are teaching our daughters through our actions how to gracefully go through life’s cycles.
Q: When you advise mothers, what do you say to help them avoid the minefield of bad relationships?
GH: The Golden Rule comes to mind. We often forget this when it comes to our children. If we want to be respected, we need to respect them. Criticism and judgment are good ways to create walls in relationships. Being available to listen when she needs and wants to talk will open many doors.
Sometimes mothers are jealous of their husband’s attention to their daughters. Instead of feeling threatened, be grateful that they are getting positive male attention. A girl’s self esteem and self worth is greatly affected by the way her father feels about her. Women who are successful in life, often had fathers who thought a great deal of them and supported their accomplishments.
Most women who feel successful and accomplished in life, will want the same for their daughters. Women who gave up their dreams are often jealous of their daughters who are living the lives they wanted. Jealousy and envy will only bring us pain. It certainly will affect your relationship with your daughter. Support her in her dreams and you will have made real headway to a loving bond between you.
It’s important to celebrate milestones in your daughter’s life as well as your own. It is a great gift to honor your daughter when she approaches womanhood. When your daughter first menstruates, honor her and let her know how special it is to be a woman. You may want to take her to lunch and buy her something special to celebrate this special milestone in her life.
Q: What can mothers do to better deal with their daughter’s discovery of her sexuality?
GH: If you feel good about your own sexuality you usually will pass this on to your daughter. A healthy attitude is important. Have those talks about her body and sex, before she learns most of it from friends or the media.
Having a fear of her sexuality is not helpful. Talk to her about your values and what is appropriate. If you have taught her to honor and respect herself, she will be less likely to be swayed into doing things that she does not want to do or is ready for. Tell her your concerns about pregnancy, STD’s, etc., Even though she may have physical urges, she may not be emotionally ready for such intimacy. After you have imparted your views about sex and sex at a young age, you want to leave the door open. She needs to know that she can come talk with you about this topic and you will be open to listening. You may not agree with what she wants to do, but are more likely to influence her in a healthy way if there is communication between you.
If she feels she can’t talk to you, then talking about sex will be left to those who may encourage the very thing you don't want. Talk to her about honoring herself as a female. Say, “You want to be popular, but the boys will talk about you and not respect you if you don’t respect yourself.”
You want to her feel attractive and feel special for who she is. Sometimes girls feel that doing what the boy wants will make them like them more. If you do what is out of alignment with your values and who you are, you will lose your own respect and the respect of others. Remember that it is important to feel comfortable with one’s body and one’s sexuality. Emotional and physical maturity are the elements needed for a healthy, happy sex life.
Medical research indicates that talking to girls about sex does not encourage sexual experimentation, but actually helps prepare them for the realities of their choices.
Contact Gretchen Dorr Horst thedorrcenter@bigplanet.com at www.thedorrcenter.com to learn more about her programs for women. Read more parenting topics in my monthly column in Northern Virginia Magazine called "Kin." If you have a new topic about teens you would like me to cover, please contact me at islandwriting@msn.com.
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