Dating tips: will the "no contact" after a breakup rule work for me?

Dear Deborrah:
My ex left me over 18 months ago, but he has come back and fourth into my life until recently. Just a few weeks ago he cut off all communication. He told me that it wasn't me, it was his family giving him an ultimatium that it is either them or me. You have to understand that this man is 38 years old (so am I), but he still lives at home with his parents.

He and I have been best friends for 11 years and we've dated for four. His parents loved me until he asked me to marry him, then all a sudden I was no good for him. As his Dad put it: "I know she loves you, but what else can she offer?"

My ex ignores my calls, texts, and emails like I no longer exist. Someone once said I should try the "no contact" thing where I ignore him and give him the same treatment as he has done to me. Is this right for me to do? I want him to come back, and I don't want to do anything to push him further away.

Does the no contact trick really work?

Signed,
Broken Hearted

Dear Broken Hearted:
The real question to ask yourself is this: what is more contact with this guy going to accomplish at this point... how will keeping in touch with him benefit you in any way?

Without a doubt, the "no contact" guideline after a break up is the best way to go. Allowing a man to come back and forth into your life when he has already made it clear that you are not the woman he wants is foolish. You cannot begin to heal or even START moving on until you stop focusing on loving this man or trying to get him back into your life.

Following the "no contact" rule will protect your heart and body. As the days pass, you'll discover that you think about him and miss him less and less. Before long, you'll wake up one day and wonder why you wasted years of your life dating an adult infant.

Admittedly, we live in a very challenging economy and many adults have had to get roommates, give up their apartments and move home, lost their homes and had to move in with family, etc. Things are bad for millions of people in this country right now.

However, from your description, this guy never left home to begin with. He is still being coddled and cared for by his mommy and daddy like a child. How in the world could you ever get excited about dating a grown man that lives like a child? How could you see him as a mature man, a person that could handle the responsibilities of being a husband and father? Sheesh, this guy can't even handle taking care of HIMSELF, let alone other people!

Secondly, what man in his right mind would share the hurtful nonsense his parents said about you? What an idiot! No mature man would ever tell the woman he loved that his parents were judging her so harshly. The most diplomatic approach would be to avoid telling her what they said entirely, or give you the edited version by saying "my parents approval of who I marry is important to me, and I don't have it in this situation." Of course the preferred way to handle this would be to assume responsiblity for the breakup like a man and leave his parents out of it completely.

Now, as far as the "no contact thing working" as you say, yes it works.. but not the way you mean.

You want to use "no contact" to inspire him to call you, come over and use you for sex, and text you because you are desperate for his attention and to get him back into your life by any means necessary. I want you to stop and get a grip.

Accept these facts so you can start moving on:

1. This man does not want to be with you anymore which is why he broke it off.
2. The relationship you had with him is over.
3. He has not returned any of your calls or contacted you because he is through with you and has most likely moved on to someone else.
4. You are not to contact him ever again as it is a waste of your time and makes you look desperate (see points 1-3 above);
5. Men do not respect women that are desperate.
6. He is an immature child with no balls, and can never be the man you need him to be until he stands up to his parents, moves out on his own or his parents die.
7. If you had married him, you would be divorced soon enough when you got disgusted with his immaturity and his parent's continual interference in your marriage.

I think you dodged a bullet on this one! Instead of being upset, you should be thrilled that you got away from him relatively unscathed. You have no children to worry about collecting child support for, no shared custody agreements, no investments or real property to dispose of at a loss.

You are 38 years old. Adding the 11 years you two were friends to the four years you dated, it means that you've spent the past 15 years of your life with this fool. I suggest you take control of the direction of your life and the few decades you have left. Time to steer a new course and move on - the clock is ticking.

You have another five or six years at most to easily and safely have children if you want them. Get out and get a new hairdo and some new clothes. Get a makeover at Nordie's or Macy's in Union Square. Grab your friends and hit some happy hours and singles parties. Try internet dating as well. Book yourself on a singles cruise. I suggest you take a look at one of the fun 3-day cruises, as they are less expensive and you'll get a chance to see how you handle being at sea.

Check out the events around San Francisco like book readings, art exhibits, clubs and classes that you were always interested in but never made time to attend.

You need to get busy creating a new life for yourself...bright dreams for an exciting new future.