Dear Deborrah:
I am very interested in this man whom with I am in contact on a daily basis. He is 22 and I am 18. I know from a mutual friend that he has interest in me, yet he is engaged to be married in June.
I KNOW he is unhappy with his engagement, as we have talked about it before. He will go out of his way not to see his fiance. Lately he has seemed more and more interested in me. He will go out of his way to run into me, he compliments me every time he sees me, and he stands a little closer than normal.
I really want to be with him, yet currently I am not in the position to ask him out yet. I will be at the end of this semester in school (he is a teacher).
Please don't be pessimistic because of our position. I know we have potential, yet I don't know where I can go with it right now. I need real advice.
Signed,
Jessie
Dear Jessie:
When I get letters like this I always wonder "where the hell is her mother?" because the thinking you have about this situation are so unrealistic, so fantasy fueld and so little-girlish its not funny. I am going to break this down for you so you can see where you are going wrong, and how if you continue on this path, you will end up road kill.
Remember, you said you need REAL ADVICE, and I'm about to give you some.
First of all, teachers messing around with their students is very common. Most universities and schools have rules against it just for that reason. It protects the naive, young, inexperienced pupil and the school from possible lawsuits.
Secondly, this man is engaged. That means he has made some very serious commitments and has very serious ties to another woman. It also means that he is not at all available for anything more than some mattress olympics with you. Pre-wedding jitters and a strong desire to run out and have one last fling happens with amazing frequency - I get many letters with that theme.
Which means you need to check yourself and your runaway imagination at the door. You have no facts about this man avoiding his fiancee you were either told that by busy body third parties that also don't know, or you assumed that on your own. You see him for so many hours in the day and have no clue about WHAT he is doing with that woman all night long.
Lastly, you are young and naive Jessie, and easily led by wishful thinking to believe that his purely sexual attraction means something more serious is happening between the two of you ("we have potential").
Leave this man alone until he breaks off his engagement and is completely free and available. Otherwise you are participating in a rather unsavory love triangle, guaranteed to be injurious to both you and this guy's fiancee. His fiancee is the innocent party in all of this and deserves your respect.
You need to accept that this man is unavailable. He is unavailable to you physically, unavailable to you mentally and unavailable to you emotionally. He has nothing to offer you but heartbreak.
If you don't leave this guy alone, you are setting yourself up to be used for sex by a man engaged to someone else.
If you don't leave this guy alone, you are setting yourself up to be hurt as you realize your fantasies were silly.
If you don't leave this guy alone, you will find that you set yourself up to be played and willingly gamed on.
If you don't leave this guy alone, you are setting yourself up to hear him say "We shouldn't have done that"or "I was so confused" as he gets out of your bed and heads home after satisfying his sexual urges and curiousity, and goes ahead with the marriage.
Comments