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Dating tips for couples dating separately.

At this years Frolicon in Atlanta GA I gave a class titled Dating Beyond the Core. (Found here as Online PDF Where in, I gave my advice to Poly folks in long term coupled relationships who wanted to date separately. Not dating as a unit for instance, or only one person dating. To a room of 20 + people I began my class with this statement, " If you came here to hear the 'Gospel of Poly" by Billy Holder, well you came to the wrong class." Laughter erupted in the room.

My point was that no one person has all the answers to solving Polyamory. Polyamory is such a unique relationship structure that it has to be formed and molded by the people in it. Taking pieces from all over and using what works for them and leaving the rest behind. And that's what so great about Poly I think is the ability to form the relationship based on needs, availability, and each persons input. Its not Social scripting the issue and a blanket format that you have to fit into. So thats my first tip use what works.

Number two, along that theme in order to form it to everyone's liking all must be flexible. By that, I mean compromise and work towards things you all like. The structure isn't made of stone and steel it is made with love and love is pliable and soft it bends and flexes. Ask for what you want but be willing to accept no as the answer and accept an alternative.

Be respectful of the time spent with each person. Turn off the phone. Be sure to communicate to your others that this time is spent this person. Ask for no contact during that time. or Emergency contact only. They will understnad and they want the same thing when you are with them so respect that time.

The most important tip I can give is this, its not an equality contest. No one is going to win if everyone is trying to make time and dates equal. Its exhausting. Give whats asked for. Ask for what you want and need. Honor the requests of the others involved in your relationships. If you find yourself in a situation where you have to choose, choose yourself. I know up above I said compromise, but not in this situation. It has been my experience, that when you choose one over the other, no matter who it is, it creates resentment in the unchosen one. And no matter if you pick them next time or all the next times, they will remember that one time you didn't. For ME its better to spend time alone on my terms than on another's terms.

This isn't a full list by far and they may not work for you. But its a good starter list and things to think about. These are things I learned through trial and error. I have read any books. I make it up as I go along because, thats what works for me. I have been poly for over 10 years nad never had 2 relationships that work out the same waty. They can't. People are indivuals and each one is different. Good luck to you on your travels of the Poly highway. May you set the bumps in the holes and have a smooth ride.

For more tips, news, and advice from around the poly; world follow my blog at

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