I got another dating question via email and thought today would be a good day to answer it.
Q: I wanted to give you a relationship question that is on my mind with a current on/off girl I have had... We dated for a while and she told me that she wanted to get back with her boyfriend of 6 years. I wasn't happy about this, but as of recently I have started talking to her again, and all she does is talk about how much she misses me and how she is only giving this guy one more chance, and if he screws up she will give up on him and get back with me. So Sarah, what would be in my best interest with this girl? Should I give her the time of day and try to work out what we could of had when we dated, or should I just give up and realize that it probably wont go anywhere since she seems to like to jump around with different boyfriends? - Sean
A: Sean, as hard as this might be for you, I think it is in your best interest to move on from this girl. Here is why:
1. She's leading you on. She keeps telling you that she misses you and wants to be with you, yet she has another boyfriend. If she misses you so much then the obvious thing for her to do is dump her boyfriend and get together with you. She's not doing that. She obviously is confused and doesn't know what she wants. She wants you and she wants her boyfriend, but she can't have both because it isn't fair to anyone involved. She's being very greedy in this situation and that's not a good quality in a person. She tells you she wants to be with you and misses you to keep you hooked on her. That way, you won't go looking for other girls and if her current relationship fails she has a back-up (you). Do you feel you deserve to be the back-up? Let me help you out on this one, you don't!
2. I know you must like this girl a lot, otherwise you wouldn't be holding on to this relationship. But think about this, put yourself in her current boyfriend's shoes. I don't know his name so I will just call him Mike. Mike's girlfriend is talking to another guy (you), telling this guy she misses him and that one slip up from Mike and she'll get back with him. How would you feel if you were Mike? Well guess what, you could be! What if this girl leaves Mike and gets together with you? You already know she is capable of going behind her boyfriend's back. So at that point, all you will be doing is worrying that she's doing it again, this time to you, (and she probably will be in a few months to a year after the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship wears off and you two have to actually start putting work into it.) Bottom line, this girl is making it really hard for you to trust her.
3. Sean, you deserve more than this girl. She may have a lot of appeal but so do a lot of girls in the world and not all of them are going to treat you like this. It's really unfair to you and her current boyfriend for her to be acting so selfishly. I can bet that you can find another girl who isn't so selfish and who won't make you wait around for her current boyfriend to "slip up." You are wasting your time with her by waiting around and letting her play you like this. Sure, it's nice to hear from someone "I miss you" or "I want to be with you," and she might mean those things, but as the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. Her actions should be to dump her boyfriend, but something's holding her back. Maybe she's afraid, maybe she still has a lot of feelings for him, it doesn't really matter. That's not for you to sort out, it's her problem. Tell her you need some space and start moving on. It may really suck right now, but it won't in a few months. Keep yourself busy and go out with the guys and flirt with some single girls. Keyword: SINGLE.
Sean, believe it or not, your problem is really common... as a matter of fact, one of my good friends should read this as well... I think you know who you are.
I hope this helps and good luck out there :-)
As always, you guys have a dating question, shoot me an email or leave me a comment and I'll be happy to give you an honest, objective answer. Thanks for reading!