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Q: Hi Nancy! I'm very interested in your course!!! I need all the help I can get. I've truly been trying to follow your tips, but my #1 problem is getting men to ask me out so that I can actually practice this great advice on them! I have bought and read 95% of your book-it's phenomenal! I have men tell me that I'm beautiful, that I have a great personality, that I have such a great attitude, that I'm fun, etc-but I feel like when it actually comes to asking me out, silence. Sorry so much info, but I am truly in need of help. I'm 27, single and childless with no prospects and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever meet a man with whom I can have a lasting relationship that will lead to marriage and family.
I participate in social activities, I go out with friends, I'm active in my church, I exercise, I take care of my hair, skin and nails, I dress nicely, I try to always smile and have a positive outlook, I do positive affirmations and I mediate. I am kind to men who do pay me attention, and I'm not rude, even if I'm not interested. I'm even kind to guys who friendzone me who are in relationships. My friends and family are constantly asking me why I'm single and if I'm dating anyone, and I try to remain positive and let ppl know that I'm single, in hopes that they'll introduce me to a qualified bachelor! While I have standards, I'm not unrealistically picky or extremely materialistic. I want a man who loves Jesus and is active in his church, is financially (and psychologically) stable, takes care of himself, and is confident in himself and his abilities-and above all, he truly wants to be in a relationship with me.
The sad thing is that I know this kind of man exists because I've met him many times-he just tends to not be attracted to me in that way-he wants to be "friends" and then winds up dating a girl with extremely similar personality/character/life traits as me! I even had one particular guy who flirts with me/compliments me all the time tell me that I "have so much in common" with his girlfriend and he's tried on several occasions to get us to be friends! This has happened to me more than once, and I'm worried that it's some kind of vibe/energy that I'm putting out that's blocking my blessing and keeping me from attracting a good match and instead attracting losers who can't/won't commit! I've heard ppl say that you need to become the kind of person you are looking for. And while I'm not perfect, I do truly feel that that's what I'm striving to do.
Now, I realize that you have to be patient and that love doesn't happen overnight. But what worries me is not only attracting the right kind of man, but keeping him when I do! My last two relationships have ended with the guy being head over heels for me in the beginning, and 5 months later or less, it's ended with him saying "he's not sure if he wants to be in a relationship" , but that "I'm a great person" and I'm "amazing". What the....? I kid you not Nancy, I have always felt that God has blessed me in many ways, but understanding men and attracting/keeping a good one is NOT my strength. I feel like I'm a hamster running on a wheel to nowhere in this area of my life. I am educated, I have friends/family love me and I love them, I have a great career, I'm financially stable, I take care of myself--I even had men tell me "it's like you have everything in your life going for you except a relationship"! eeeeek! I'm tired of being the poster child for the single, unwanted black woman who "has such a great personality" and "carries herself so well" but can't get or keep a good man to save her life. I understand that there are some things where you simply have to know your limits and know when to ask for help--this is one of those things. I have been so pleased with your website/blog/newsletter/book because I like how your take on modern dating from a religious perspective. I'm a devout Christian and I refuse to submit to "the wordly' view of dating that says "it's okay, just meet a guy, sleep with him, give him everything and hope he likes you enough to hopefully eventually put a ring on it". Sorry this is so long winded but once I started typing, I found it hard to stop.
A: Thanks for sharing your story with us! You truly sound like a wonderful woman--smart, educated, independent, emotionally and financially stable. You will find that man, trust me. You just have to be patient!
On a more practical level, you might want to try to have more of an edge. From what you wrote, it seems you are incredibly sweet and kind, and while that is important and is indeed a great quality to have, men are often attracted to women who aren't so nice. Who have a bit of an edge. Who are a bit bitchy. I by no means am saying you should change your basic demeanor or change just to attract a man, but you should keep in mind that sometimes being too nice or understanding is not what attracts a man or keeps him glued to you.
The fact that your boyfriends left you after a short amount of time and the men who you like don't ask you out, and instead they ask out a similar looking woman to yourself, means you need to change what you're doing. For the next 30 days I want you to commit to being a newer version of you. I want you to walk around like you are so hot, so sexy, so special any man would die just to have the chance to talk to you. Fake it until you make it! Walk with a strut.
Right leg first, followed by left leg, with a little tiny strut in your hip. You are just sooo hot! I want you to forget about being kind, nice, making small talk and wowing men with your sweetness. I want you to smile at men, beam at them, but then don't say anything. Practice the art of being mysterious. Talk less, listen more. Don't be so nice. When a man approaches you, talk to him but pretend you are some sexy vixen (think Angelina Jolie in one of her movies) and act a little aloof, a bit playful and mysterious.
You already have the kind, sweet thing down pat. Now it's time to channel your inner Diva, that vixen inside of you. And she doesn't just have the attitude down pat, she also demonstrates through her actions that she is the ultimate dream girl. She's not too easy and she's not impossible to get, but with some hard work and a little effort, a man can have some of her time and attention. If he wants all of her time, well then, he has to propose ; ) Bring the dream girl in you forth and see how that kind of energy attracts men like crazy. Focus on changing how you see yourself, and how there are different sides to you, not just the warm and friendly sweetheart. You are light and breezy. Aloof. Mysterious. Flirty. Playful. Fun and Sexy.
Report back to us in 30 days please! Good luck and don't forget to dress the part. Channel your inner dream girl.