Last week, I decided to go out on a date with a Black Handsome Professional male in his late thirties with no children. In the African American culture based off that profile he would be considered hot commodity and believe me he was well aware of it. During the discovery process he asked, “Are you one of those desperate women dating for a husband?” His condescending tone, facial expression, overall body language, as well as the way he constructed the sentence, led me to believe that the intent of the question would only lead me to answer it defensively. Not only was it a leading question but he communicated indirectly that if you want to keep my attention, there is only one way to answer this question. I must admit, that it was a smooth way of determining if he was dealing with an insecure or confident woman.
The typical response to that line of questioning would have sounded like this, “Oh no! I am not desperate, do I look desperate to you? I am not desperately searching for a husband, I don’t need a man! I mean if this date develops into a friendship cool! If it develops into a relationship that’s cool too! No pressure!” says the insecure woman lacking true value of self. Clearly, that is her state of mind. Why else would she be afraid of responding honestly to the question? Why did she decide to compromise her clearly defined desire? Why did she refuse to utilize that moment to convey that she was seriously looking for a compatible mate to enter an exclusive relationship with over a reasonable amount of time with the sole intention of discovering if marriage was a future option?
After the gentleman posed the question, I could tell by his facial expression, the way he changed the position of his body from leaning forward, to repositioning his body so that he could respond to my question accurately. My response, “First, why would you ask me that question in such a matter especially if you were truly looking for a genuine response? He sat straight up in his seat, shocked by my response. Before he could response, I proceed to say, “I’m just saying that your condescending tone within itself was utilized with the sole intention of leading me to say, "Absolutely not!” Then the word you choice was quite interesting as well. Why would you utilize the word, “Desperate” and dare to indirectly associate it to me of all people? What woman would associate herself to the symbol desperat,e especially in the presence of a handsome prospect? You set that question up so that I would indirectly agree and accept your agenda which is to have a casual relationship, I replied.
Suddenly, his confident attitude completely changed, his body language displayed uneasiness, discomfort and agitation. My response threw his game off, he felt that it challenged his gamed up abilities. How dare she expose me on this date, this usually works on desperate women in their thirties with two children! I’m sure he was thinking something along those lines. I proceeded to provide him with a bit of advice, “Before I respond to your question, I would like you to consider restructuring and rewording the question if you truly want to discover a woman’s true intent in the future. If not, feel free to continue asking that question. Now if he was truly paying attention to my response at that moment. He would have realized that there would be no second date and that it would be in his best interest to just simply enjoy his drink and my company for the moment. But I’m sure that flew right over his self absorbed head.
Finally, I responded by saying, “I’m searching for a best friend who will one day evolve into my husband.” He responded, “Good answer!” I chucked, “What are you doing, grading my responses?” Of course, he grew quite cold even more agitated. I don’t think he felt comfortable on the ride I was taking him on, which was simply the same ride he had attempted to take me on. Eventually, he redirected the conversation to future dates, which would have distracted most women but I just interpreted as future faking. Seeing that I wanted to focus on the moment, I redirected him back to the moment.
In that moment, I needed to uncover his true intent. I proceeded with asking, “What are you looking to experience from a woman, a relationship? He responded, “You are that person, you are blah, blah, blah, blah…. All characteristics I’ve heard repeated from men most of my life. Characteristics that he could not have possibly been sure that I even possessed. Seeing that it was our first date, and he had never had the opportunity to test my character. I responded, “No, I’m not asking about me personally, I’m asking you what are you looking to “experience” from a woman, what do you need to experience from a woman to feel fulfilled? Startled by my question, he had to admit that he wasn’t sure. I responded, “If you do not have a clearly defined picture or experience in your mind, then you will never find what you are looking for because you have no idea. You can’t possibly be looking for me when you are not clear about what you want and need. I am suppose to fit into your vision, not be your vision!” Why did I say that, he sat straight up and attempted to argue that he was looking for a committed relationship but admitted that women he dated in the past could not respect that his sole purpose in life, his career. Then when I questioned that response, “Are you incapable of multi-tasking a woman and a career? Shouldn’t a mate, other half, be a priority, as well as provide you with needed support? At that point, he changed his story up, something that occurs when a woman is confident enough to probe and ask the hard questions that could be perceived as a woman challenging a man or simply being difficult.
Experience, trial and error has taught me that it’s so important to take the dating experience seriously by asking the hard questions and knowing self. Keeping in mind, that men typically tend to place woman in certain categories. Seeing that I’m a single mother of two children in my thirties, it’s fair to say that the typical Black man will most likely assume that I am desperately seeking a husband, searching desperately for a baby’s daddy. Although, it’s not the case, it’s important that I pocket that information so that I can determine a prospective’s mate genuine intent. He had no idea that the woman sitting right before him was extremely confident, valued herself over all others, well rounded, beautiful, intelligent, educated, sexy, spiritually grounded and that I possessed a clearly defined picture in my mind of what I wanted from a man and my future. In fact, he did not fit the vision.
Late night conversations with girlfriends, self reflection, and dating causalities have taught me the importance of valuing self before I decided to enter the dating battle ground. Only a well balanced, confident woman who values her self worth will be capable of recognizing a man with a real plan. A woman with a clear defined picture of what she wants to experience from a mate and a relationship. Most importantly, she must hold herself in high regard so to not compromise her values, or settle. She must have faith that what she has not yet experienced, exist! She must believe it to the point where she can envision her future husband, their life, and her desired experiences in her mind so not to be led astray by someone with another vision for her life. Lastly, she must be patient! She must trust that God will send the perfect man at the perfect time. She will know because he will be a reflection of her operating from her higher self, and he will fit her vision and she will fit his vision. She must not allow fear of scaring the wrong man away hinder her from asking the right questions. It is impossible to scare the right man away by asking the right questions. The questions are intended to determine a man’s true intent! Make no apologizes single ladies! Protect yourself!
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