Dear Deborrah:
I recently met a women at a popular S.F. nightclub, and from the word go, we had a connection that was unexplainable. I am divorced more than a year and she was in a relationship more than two years ago. When she asked me about any of my past issues, I said that I had been with about 10 women from the beginning of 2011.
The relationship between myself and these women were no attachments, but in the class of fun and companionship. I only slept with one of them.
However my new friend gets the impression that I had slept with all of them and therefore she is in serious doubt about me and trusting me.
Unfortunately we live in different states, which doesn't make things any eaiser. One of my plans is to move out of California to her area. How can I convince her or do the things required to show her that I can be trusted and that my past is not as hairy as she perceives it to be?
I just feel that there was a reason for us connecting and want to pursue this situation in the right way.
Signed,
Feeling the Magic
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Well just tell her! Tell her that you were fresh out of a divorce and dating around for companionship and to have some fun. DATING! Explain that you were not in a committed relationship and didn't cheat on anyone. Tell her that you hold commitments in high regard, which is why you dated around, trying to find Ms. Right.
Dating several single women here and there trying to find someone that was a good fit for you is exactly what a single person SHOULD do. No one should settle for the first pretty or handsome fact that pops into their field of view... that's stupid. Explain to her that through dating these women, the friendships you established and the time spent with those women helped you heal emotionally, kept you from being lonely and brooding over the divorce. Tell her that they were kind and supported you, and they helped you to remember that though your marriage failed, it didn't mean that YOU were a failure. Explain to her that they helped you heal so that when you met her, you were ready for love again.
Tell her that if she wants to distrust you based on men in her past that is certainly her right, but that you would like to hope that she provides you with an opportunity prove that your words are true and that your actions will match your words.
Tell her that you would appreciate her leaving her baggage from the past behind because you deserve a clean slate to mess up on your own, and not be charged with crimes that other men committed. Remind her that YOU didn’t do the things to her that she is hurt about.
As for you, I would highly recommend that you not change your entire life and move to her city, not just yet. Try to arrange your work schedule so that you spend a week or two with her at least four or five times to get a feel for exactly who and what she really is. Try to take a vacation together. Talk to her at length and ask deep probing questions to ascertain how she thinks and what her value system is. Do all you can to make sure that you two are on the same page emotionally and mentally, and that you have similar goals and expectations of a partner and a relationship.
Long distance relationships can be tricky because they are highly romantic and full of fantasy because you don't see each other during the day to day grind. It's easy to imagine that someone is perfect for you when all you do is web-cam chats or phone calls full of fluffy words and emotions.
But if your week-long visits and vacation together work out well, do the right thing! Ask her to MARRY YOU first, and then you move. Not a second before.
Comments