I am 29 years old and currently in a 10 month relationship with a 31 year old man who has a 4 year old son. I have no children myself. This is my first real relationship with a man with a child. I use to shun them due to "drama". Plus, I always wanted to have my first child by someone who did not also have kids. BUT as time goes by I acknowledge that my chances for finding that situation are getting slim.
Anyhow, my issue is he does not have me involved with his son at all! Okay the first few months I can understand, but now it's 10 months??? C'mon! I asked him about it back in July, and we got into an argument.
He stated that he did not want his son to get used to me, then IF we don't make it, he will be asking about me. (Stupid I know.) Right before Halloween I brought it up again. He stated that since July (which is true) the mother now has custody and he does not see his son as often as he used to, but he still sees him weekly.
So I take it since he does not see him everyday, he wants the time he does have to be private, which I can understand, but where do I fit in? If he can twist his lips to say I LOVE YOU, then why can't he allow his love to expand enough to have his son and I interact?
The mother and he had custody/support issues since I have known him. He is a great father, but I feel slighted. I don't think it's fair and I am not sure about moving on with him if he can't compromise this little request. I am not trying to take all his time he has with his son, but at times can we ALL go get ice cream or a run to the mall?
My Mom does not like it, nor can any of my friends understand our situation. I just don't want to be a fool to tolerate this any longer if it's totally unfair to me. Please advise.
Confused In Oakland
Dear Confused in Oakland:
Though I am definitely on the parent's side when it comes to bringing one person after another around young children, after almost a year together it would seem you two have a relationship that is much more meaningful than a romp in the hay buddy. However, your man still refuses to share a key part of his life, which keeps you at both a physical and emotional distance.
Now, he may truly believe he is doing this solely to protect his child from pain and confusion, which is important and responsible as a father. You did not say how long these two have been broken up, which would have been important information for me to have. Because maybe he is still holding out hope that they'll get back together. Maybe the mother is a fool and he is trying to keep the drama level to a low roar and away from you. Maybe the child is not ready to meet anyone quite yet; he may already have separation problems and the father doesn't want him to have to suffer in that way AGAIN, especially with him being so young. Children often blame themselves for their parents separation or divorce. Or they are angry at Daddy for leaving Mommy, or at Mommy for "driving him away." The parent also should not put the child in the position of saying "oh here's Dad's latest squeeze, so what?"
Keeping such a major part of his life (you) completely separate from his life as a father means that he has no intention of putting you in the center of his world – at least not yet. So you have a decision to make.
I suggest you talk to him about it and tell him how you are feeling. Ask him what makes him doubt that you two would not be a long-term item. Find out what is going on in his life that makes him uncomfortable about bringing you and his son together. Really try to understand his point of view on this matter. He may be having some issues with you or the relationship that he hasn't yet voiced, that you need to be aware of.
However, if this is really important to you and he insists on this behavior, and that isn't working for you, then cut bait. You're still young. You don't have to do baby daddy drama if you don't want to. By the time you are in your mid-30s if you meet a guy with a child, his child will be much older and the dynamics of co-parenting much different.
On the other hand, he may gives you plausible explanations, and a date to meet his son that has a firm time frame around it that you can work with. In that case, if you are enjoying what you have with him and waiting around for him to feel comfortable enough to put you in the middle of his world doesn't bother you, then stick with it.
However, I suggest that you have a cutoff time (I suggest no more than 15 months) for him to step up to the plate. That way your waiting won’t be endless and without focus. If he flatly refuses to do it now or in the future, then the information you need about him and the shallowness of this relationship is right there in your face.