Everyone seems to be worried about layoffs. The news provides readers with a fresh story each day about Company X laying off 500 employees. As a result, there seems to be a growing number of articles offering advice on how to prevent yourself from being laid off (but I will provide no evidence). If you happen to be looking for such preventative measures, this is not your article. The purpose of this article is to provide you with the tell-tale signs of your inevitable layoff. You won't be able to prevent it, but it might just provide you with enough time to exact your revenge. Here are 8 signs that you are getting laid off:
1. You received a notification in your Outlook inbox that your manager just canceled your weekly 1 on 1 meeting. The cancellation wasn't followed up by a rescheduling notification and your manager neglected to inform you as to why the weekly meeting was canceled. It's only a matter of days until you find out why.
2. Your paranoia is growing after over hearing coworkers whispering on conference calls. Over your cube walls, you can hear people talking about projects that you are working on -- or at least you think you can. The whispers are difficult to decipher, but you're fairly certain they are talking about you. Your paranoia is likely well deserved. You might want to start hitting the job boards.
3. No one is at their cube when you arrive to work. This is unusual considering your typical late entrance. At first, you celebrate the opportunity to surf the web in peace, but 30-60 minutes later you see everyone return to their desk at the same time. Not being invited to closed door meetings = layoff.
4. Your manager sends out a high priority email demanding all employees to begin vigorously documenting everything they do. Unfortunately, your two bullet points aren't going to look so good.
5. A contractor will ask you where your new job is while you are performing a "knowledge dump". Similar to documentation demands, knowledge dumping is a routine exercise given to those who are about to be laid off. Your manager will ask you to schedule several lengthy sessions with a new contractor who needs to "get up to speed". At some point during your session, the contractor will ask you where your new job is. Confusion hits first, then panic sets in. The same panic you feel when you see a police car fly out of the ditch to follow you. You'll have that 1/2 second where you're in denial, but it quickly turns into a "F why me" situation.
6. You have become the office zombie. Managers try to stay way from you or look away when you cross paths. Managers are always privy to information long before the information reaches the grunts. Unfortunately, most of them are incapable of behaving normal around unknowing victims. If you find yourself walking the halls without receiving a cordial "hello", you might want to hit up the job boards.
7. A severance package from HR is sitting on your desk. Mix-ups occur quite frequently in human resources. Whether it's buying balloons meant for water, or purchasing english toffee cookies instead of chocolate chip, HR departments can't seem to get anything right. The package was supposed to arrive a couple days later after someone informed you of the layoff. Instead, you were awarded with a nice little parting gift. If you're lucky, the package includes the Jeopardy home-edition.
8. Two security guards are positioned at your cubicle when you return from lunch. Hey, at least they let you squeeze in one more two hour lunch.
Once you are laid off, be sure to visit OddTodd.com for games, cartoons, and other little nuggets of unemployment humor.
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Cubicle 101 is a recurring article in Dudley B. Dawson's Life in the Cubicle column. Want to read more Cubicle 101 stories? Click here!
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Comments
Choice!
I cannot believe you are so crass as to post this garbage on the internet.
psych its gcramer-oh. Great stuff Dud. Keep em coming.
Interesting how you think it's so funny to have your livelihood stripped from you. If someone told you tomorrow that you could no longer write for this website and they took away your income, would you still think this is funny?
I didn't think so.
Fun stuff, but I was hoping for more revenge tips. Knowing the signs is good. Sometimes the sign can be abrupt, like when you arrive to work and your login and password on the PC are no longer valid. Then you get a call to meet your boss in the office.
You can definitely take advantage of advance warning by devoting that remaining time to job searching full time.
Will R - lighten up. It is meant to be humor and satire. The scenario he depicted describes a person who takes two hour lunches and surfs the web at work and doesn't offer much to the employer. Of course a lay off will happen. Layoff are the lazy Manager's way of firing lousy employees. They should be happy for any severance. Regarding losing his job, I'm sure Dudley will let you know how he feels (hopefully :).
Will R. - You never allowed me to answer you question before responding. Had you allowed me to answer, surely you would have realized that being fired from Examiner.com would be one of the biggest accomplishments of my career. As far as the income is concerned, I think I can get by without my drug money.
So yes, I still think it's funny. And yes, I laugh at my own jokes.
Though I have been a victim of the LAY OFF syndrome, your article is great. Wish I had seen it coming. Some of your examples were staring me in the face, especially the 'knowledge dump' and I just ignored it. Thanks once again for brightening my day. My article on the other hand is not light, and includes the interview from hell aka Supreme Court job interview: facing the Senate Firing Squad.
Somebody is taking their job too seriously. I think Will needs to read your last posting. If you are in Corporate America and not curing Cancer or something like that, you are taking your job too serious. I'm guilty of this crime against humanity.
Dudley, If Will only knew what kind of income Examiners make, he'd understand you actually WOULD find it funny.
If you pick up on these signs you could try claiming you've come down with a severe case of depression or something. Get your doctor to write you a note and sign you off for 6 months. In the meantime you can chill out at home, look for jobs and still get paid by the Brutus Inc. who were going to fire you.
Depending on where you are, it will be illegal for them to fire you whilst on medical leave.
Once you've found another job, you simply tell them you're leaving.
"You can't fire me... I quit!"
I can remember the days of when I was "going to town on" in the bosses daughter. When the boss found out, that was when I know I was getting laid off... or fired for that matter.
I've been the office zombie before. The funny part is that I still didn't see it coming, because the entire company had a staff of five. "They can't be planning to lay me off," I said to myself. "Who's going to do the work?"
Maybe a year or more later, I drove by the place and saw a "for rent" sign in the window. I guess that answers that question: no one will!
How about being watched all the time? Kind of the equivalent of the knowledge dump.
Other signs:
The receptionist calls you and is surprised that your extension is still working.
The boss reschedules your regular 1-to-1 meeting time from the beginning of the day to the very end of the day.
You forgot "Your keycard no longer works." I've seen my company do this before. They seriously just lock people out without any warning.
Great post! Finding a job you like and don't find unbearable is really difficult. Not to mention trying to balance it with everything else in life. Thanks for the post.
I recently came across this blog that I thought added some insight and levity into the issue and was enjoyable: http://burisonthecouch.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/family-member-dating/
I’d love to see more like it. Thanks!
Pete
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