What would you do if the person you love and married told you that they were incapable of making love to you anymore? Just how supportive could you be in a situation like that? Would you be able to live the rest of your life knowing that the person you love; the person that you still find sexually desirable cannot make love to you anymore? That's right! No love-making...ever.
What if the man you married will not make love to you for a reason other than a physical one? Would you cheat? Would you nag him? Would you fight with him? Would you seek counseling? Think about it for a moment. The most common snap judgement response received is that a woman would "get hers" by any means necessary...but it would depend heavily on the circumstances.
What if the situation were reversed? What would a man do if his wife couldn't or wouldn't have sex with him anymore? Would he cheat? Would his initial reaction be to "get his" by any means necessary? And if he did, how would he deal with the guilt? Do men and women deal with the guilt associated with infidelity identically or is it roughly the same?
In a society where we seem to be dominated by sex and bombarded with sexual images that encompass everything from commercials to movies, one thing remains crystal clear; we are a nation where sex is at the core of our being. We live it, breath it and at times have a love/hate relationship with it.
On any given day we are literally caught up in a virtual tidal wave of sexual images. We see it in magazines, billboards, in video games, on posters, television and in movies...the list goes on and on. A man isn't a true man unless he is able to satisfy his woman leaving her exhausted and panting for more. Every man has bragged about "puttin' it down" in the bedroom, and yet just as many women have complained that some men didn't deliver the way that they should have. Do the math.
But what happens when a husband cannot perform the way that he should...or rather, how society says he should? Does he resort to taking one of the many erectile dysfunction medications in hopes of correcting the problem? And what if it doesn't? What if there is more to the problem than that little blue pill can provide? How understanding are we when it comes to the needs of our significant other, and if we're willing to cheat on someone that we claim to love and cherish because they aren't meeting our needs, what does that say about us?
At any given time, there are literally hundreds of married women that have husbands that haven't made love to them in years. Not days, months or weeks...but years. These women remain in their relationships respectively because they love the man that they married, and simply put, he satisfies all of the needs except for their sexual desires. These men are wonderful husbands, faithful, loving fathers and excellent providers. Oftentimes, the relationship outside of the bedroom is so picture perfect that the wife is willing to overlook the fact that her needs are not being met. She may rationalize that her husband is such a wonderful person that she should be content with the way things are; maybe even feeling a bit guilty for wanting more.
Simultaneously, men don't like talking about problems overall, much less ones of a sexual nature. We have been brought up to be beings that are always in control. We don't want to admit to ourselves that there may be a problem much less admit it to anybody else. Whether we are stressed out at work, have a low libido or simply lost interest in our partners, we don't want to talk about it. This in turn frustrates your partner because they have no idea what they've done to warrant your behavior. They may think that you don't find them desirable anymore or in the worse case scenario, you're seeing someone else. All they know is that something big in their relationship is missing, and that somehow, it isn't what it once was and they don't know why.
Excerpt from To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
(1) "Understanding How Male Desire Works
Men tend to be very visually stimulated. When they think about sex, it doesn’t usually take long for their bodies to be interested. And through sex, they feel affirmed as men. They feel desired and strong.
When something goes wrong to short circuit this desire, and it’s not due to pornography or major psycho-sexual issues, it’s usually because:
1. They’re worried they won’t be able to perform (because they haven’t been able to in the past)
2. They’re stressed and worried that they can’t carry everything on their plate, or feel as if they’re not doing a good job at home or at work, making them feel less like “real men”. When a guy feels as if he isn’t doing a good job or isn’t capable, his sex drive often suffers because it’s so wired in to how he feels as a man.
3. They’re worried that you don’t really want to.
By initiating sex and trying specifically to arouse him, you often can overcome some of these problems. But let me throw the caveat in again: this will only work if the problem is one of low-intensity relationship issues, stress at work, or lower than average testosterone. If the problem is more serious, then you need more serious help!"
More times than not, sex isn't so much about the orgasm as it is about connecting with the person that you love the most. The deeper the love, the more passionate the connection...or at least the desire to. The orgasm is just the icing on the proverbial cake. And if indeed, it's not so much about the destination as it is the journey, it may be time to rethink exactly how we view sex so that you can rediscover each other once again.
Sometimes we may reduce passion to something superficial, buying into the images that we may see in strip clubs and porn. We may think that if the wife doesn't have the curvy, bodacious body or the man doesn't have the six pack abs that they used to have (if indeed they ever had it), that means that they aren't sexy. But sexy is in the mind. It's not always about the body. Sexy is also how you feel about you as well as how that other person can make you feel.
This may seem like a simplistic view of a complex problem, but ultimately, to resolve this problem, or for that matter, any problem, you're going to have to break down and talk about it. This can be more than challenging depending on the people involved. But what happens if the communication simply isn't there? What happens then? You have some some choices to make. If you're husband doesn't want to communicate with you or anyone else about what is happening (or in this case, not happening), you may be forced to seek counseling on your own.
Sometimes, a licensed psychiatrist, therapist or counselor can give you a perspective that you probably wouldn't have come up with on your own. I don't have all of the answers. But realizing that so many of us are affected by the inability to connect with our loved ones on an intimate level warrants this article as a conversation starter. For those who can talk about it with their partners, more power to you! You are among the fortunate few and indeed, half of the battle is already won. For those of you that can't, you have a long road ahead of you; but it's a road that can be traveled together as opposed to apart.
~ J.L. Whitehead