Compersion; A funny word but a helpful component for successful open relationships

Eric Francis

There is a word that I hear on occasion in relationship to open or polyamorous relationships. It's a strange word and one I had not heard until I was knee deep in the lifestyle and had I not actually read it, had I literally heard it, I may have misunderstood.

Because the word Compersion is an odd word, indeed.

Wikipedia defines compersion as 

"The experience of taking pleasure that one's partner is experiencing pleasure, even if the source of their pleasure is other than yourself."

This may be a sexual pleasure or not, but it is an experience nevertheless. I am sure we have all felt true compersion on any number of benign occasions related to many extracurricular activities our partner may be involved in. I would hope so. It seems as if it's a basic concept, if perhaps one that hasn't actually been defined until quite recently. Journalist and sex educator Eric Frances writes on his Planetwaves website 

"We may have an idea of how good it would feel to dissolve into the safety, freedom and unconditional acceptance of our lovers and all that they are, including the other people that they may love, and how great it would feel to let them experience all that we are, including the other people we may love."

And this speaks to me, aside from the fact that I strive to practice these tenets in my daily life in my own Open Marriage. Because isn't that part of what loving someone is; full acceptance of who the object of our adoration is, in their entirety? Which would, naturally extend outward and towards the other person(s) that one's partner associates with on similar levels. Levels such as social, emotional, and yes, sexual. Basically, Frances says that being genuinely happy for the pleasure your partner derives with someone else is much less constraining, more freeing, and easier than fighting through fits of jealousy. That in fact, 

"Right inside the jealous episode is a fiery core of erotic passion. It may surprise you how good it feels, and if you get there, you can be sure you're stepping right into compersion."

Jealousy can be debilitating, this is for certain. And by turns, so can compersion be liberating. Perhaps one can start with identifying compersion where it is not attached to sex. For instance, my husband has an interest in taking an improvisational class which is one night a week. However, he often works nights. This would mean that taking the class would take him away from me and our daughter one more night a week. But because I take pleasure in him having something joyful, pleasurable, happy-making, I certainly would not ask him to not take the class. And I will revel in his tales of the class just as sure as he will be inclined to offer them to me. Why? Because I love him and I want him to be happy. That, in essence, is compersion.

It's an interesting topic, and one with which we have only scratched the surface.

Please feel free to add any thoughts or personal experience you have had with compersion. And there will be more on this topic on Wednesday.