Comedy Examiner Review: Watching 'Jonah Hex' is like getting the world's longest colonoscopy

Let's see: 25 plus 45 plus 15 plus 8 plus 18 equals..."Shame".

Don't be misled by the wording above: Jonah Hex is a bad, bad movie.  Like, unreasonably bad.  You saw the trailers, and you said to yourself, "Ya know, that movie looks terrible.  There's no way I'm going to spend any money on that hunk of sh-t", and you were right to think so.  Funny thing is, your friendly, neighborhood Comedy Examiner said the very same thing.  But morbid curiosity got the better of me, and tonight I let Jonah Hex happen to me at a local theater.  Not all the pre-show beers in the world would dull the pain.  We've broken the film down for you on the poster below, or you can keep on reading for the full review, my gentle Examiner readers...

There's a reason this thing still hasn't earned $10 million. The poster on the above right shows you how you can expect to spend the 70-odd minutes that make up Jonah Hex.  Upon hearing that, you might try and bullsh-t yourself into thinking that a movie that's barely an hour and ten minutes long couldn't possibly be all that bad, but you'd be beyond mistaken: those 70 minutes felt like an eternity.  I've never had a colonoscopy, but I'd imagine that it would seem to last less time than the showing of Jonah Hex that had its way with me this evening.  This is certainly the winner of the title "Best Worst Movie" of the summer, but it's not good in a bad way.  Rather, it's bad in a painful, shameful way. 

It's almost impossible to know where to begin here.  How does something this bad even happen? Should we talk about the plot-- what little of it there is-- or should we jump straight into the miscasting of the film's lead female role, villain, and hero?  How about the half-assed direction (from two directors, mind you) or the quarter-assed special effects?  Perhaps we should first tackle the film's insanely short running time, and how it almost seems like an elaborate endurance test being undertaken by scientists in Hollywood?  How about how ugly the film is?  So many things to discuss, such little energy with which to write about them.

I can tell you this: we may one day look back upon this film as the movie that served as the final nail in the coffin that is Megan Fox's career.  Jonah Hex proves-- beyond a shadow of a doubt that probably doesn't even exist-- that Fox is just a pretty face.  Her accent's all over the map; she has no chemistry with her lead actor; she's unconvincing during every second that she has on-screen (what precious few of them that there are).  Prior to this, I didn't have much of an opinion about Fox besides the obvious.  Post-Hex, I'm open to the idea of her never appearing in a film again.  I'm not yet convinced that Megan Fox-- as a celebrity-- isn't a joke being played on us by Michael Bay.  Come on, Bay: 'fess up.  Is this your doing? 

Josh Brolin stars as the titular hero, and it pains me to confess this.  Brolin's an actor that deserves far better than the script he's been given here, and his filmography over the past decade or so proves that he's capable of handling material in just about any genre you can throw at him.  He's one of our best yet-to-become-a-megastar actors, and seeing him gallop around and dodge the cheesiest CGI you've seen since The Scorpion King is just like being struck repeatedly in the testicles with a large, rubber mallet.  I'm going to adopt the theory that Brolin lost a bet somewhere along the line, and I suggest you do the same.  Incidentally, this is also how I explain the career of Brett Ratner.

Meanwhile, John Malkovich-- who I believe is one of our greatest living actors-- just looks mortified to be in this hellhole of a movie.  He does very little to draw attention to himself, and when the actor we're saying that about is Malkovich, you know that he knew the horror this film was going to be to sit through.  I'll make everyone here a bet that says if you approach Malkovich in the street and ask him what he enjoyed most about starring in Jonah Hex, he'd just giggle and claim not to know what you're talking about.  You know, like that jewel-heist movie.  If seeing Brolin lower himself to this film's level hurts, watching Malkovich mumble his way through the dialogue is like being waterboarded on Christmas morning. 

Here's a film that feels at once rushed-- chopped and edited to within an inch of its life-- and agonizingly long at 71 minutes.  I entered my showing at 7:40 and was in my car by 9:08, including trailers.  That means that Jonah Hex isn't more than just over an hour long.  I assure you: it feels like forever.  It doesn't help that the film is stacked with the worst digital effects that Hollywood's let the public see in years.  Director Francis Lawrence-- he of I Am Legend and Constantine-- was brought in to reshoot many of the scenes here, and I swear to God he's recycled some of the exact same effects leftover from I Am Legend.  Despite his "best" efforts, Hex feels like the work of a madman.

Come to think of it, this is a perfect example of "I could do better than that".  You know whenever critics bash a movie, and inevitably some assmouth comes out of the woodwork to shriek, "I don't see you making movies!  You probably couldn't make a movie as good as _____ !"?  Well, here's a film that virtually anyone reading this could top.  If I handed you a film crew and $200 right now, I'm willing to bet that you'd create a film more compelling, watchable, and coherent than Jonah Hex.  I've seen cards in Hallmark that were more thrilling.  Earlier today, I drank a bottle of Gatorade that provided me with more entertainment.

Do not see Jonah Hex.  Do not see Jonah Hex to be ironic, or to make fun of it, or if you value your time, sanity, money, and dignity.  Walking out of the theater, people were shielding their faces and acting like we'd all just sat in a room and watched the world's first big-budget snuff film.  Women leaving Dustin Diamond's one-bedroom apartment the morning after and doing the "Walk of Shame" aren't this embarrassed.  I'm going to start counseling sessions this week to come to terms with what I experienced tonight, and someday I think I'll be able to look myself in the mirror again.  That's more than I can say for the majority of the people behind Jonah Hex.  Feel free to use any of this for the pull-quotes on your DVD cases, Warner Bros.  My grade?  F-.

NOTE:  I want to give this movie "Negative Fourteen Stars", but because the Examiner's publication tool only allows us to go as far down as "One Star", that's what it's getting.  In this case, refer to the title of this article and the letter grade in the paragraph above rather than our busted-ass star ratings system. 

That's all we've got for you for now, folks, but stay tuned for more as it becomes available.  In the meantime, we've got all manner of funny videos, news, reviews, interviews, recaps, funny pictures, and more to keep you entertained all summer long, so hit the "Subscribe" button up top to get all of it delivered straight to your inbox, free of charge, the moment it's published.  Why, if that wasn't enough, we've also got some other recent Comedy Examiner articles for you to look over while you're here:

WEEKEND BOX OFFICE: ADAM SANDLER, TOM CRUISE, AND A BUNCH OF TOYS-- THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE NUMBER ONE-- in which we learn the expected, and you can see how hilariously low the returns for "Jonah Hex" are (hint: it's less than $10m).

TRAILER PARK: TRAILER FOR THE NEXT "MEET THE PARENTS" SEQUEL ARRIVES, AND IT MAY BE WORSE THAN GETTING A TERMINAL ILLNESS (WITH VIDEO)-- in which we watch the trailer for "Little Fockers", and then we all weep bitter tears.

"BREAKING BAD" BREAKING NEWS: AMC, VINCE GILLIGAN SAY "NO NEW EPISODES UNTIL JULY 2011", FANS EXPECTED TO SUCK IT-- in which we learn that it's going to be a looong time before we get new episodes of "Breaking Bad".

FUNNY VIDEO: SO, WHAT'S THE CREATIVE PROCESS LIKE IN HOLLYWOOD, ANYWAY? (WITH VIDEO)-- in which we learn how movies get made in Hollywood.  Specifically, "Pinkberry: The 3D Musical".  Don't laugh, someone might get the wrong idea.

(photos: top--allmovieposters.com, next--collider.com, next--filmofilia.com, bottom--jonahhexmovie.com)