Seriously, somebody sent me this. You can buy it. You can eat it. Ohmygod.
Late last week, I was contacted by someone who wanted to tell me about his "Jon and Kate + 8" hot sauce. You may need to read that sentence more than once, it's OK. I asked this gentleman-- a Brian Hooks of Bayport, NY-- if he'd be interested in sending me a few bottles for review. And, I guess you can see in that picture, he did. What is going on here? Why is there "Jon and Kate" hot sauce? Why did Mr. Hooks send it to the Comedy Examiner? All these questions-- and more! (not really, I just wanted to say that)-- will be answered herein. Read on, gentle Examiner readers...
Yes, you're looking at 4 bottles of "Jon and Kate + 8" hot sauce, sitting on my kitchen counter and defying all reason. "What are they doing there?" you might ask, and I'm glad ya did.
See, late last week a dude by the name of Brian Hooks got in touch with me. He's a fan of the snarky "Jon and Kate + Comedy Examiner" articles that I write, and he thought I'd appreciate the idea of him selling these bottles of JK8 hot sauce. As soon as I heard that this man had such a thing, my head almost exploded. I mean, is this where we're at with this show? Are we now merchandizing the sh-t out of it? Has the media saturation on the Gosselins reached a point where it has spilled over into the things we eat? Apparently, yes, yes, and yes. Of course I was intrigued by this man's hot sauce, and, yes, I was more than willing to run a review of it were I to be provided with a few bottles.
And now, there it sits. On my kitchen counter, classing up the joint in a way that I wouldn't have ever thought possible. So, I'm here to review a hot sauce. Try and wrap your head around that, because I'm still working on it. Here goes:
The sauce itself is basically Tabasco-style, very thin and made from Cayenne and vinegar. That would be the "Jon" version of the sauce (the red one, seen above, left). The "Kate" version is a jalapeno sauce, much like the jalapeno version of Tabasco sauce. As far as the quality of the sauce goes: it's kinda hard to mess something this simple up. I tried the sauce (the Jon one; I'm not that into green sauces, hot or not, on my food) on some macaroni and cheese (I'm from Texas, I eat hot sauce on everything) and found it to be delightful, much like the Tapatio or Cholula I usually use. Actually, it's a little lighter than the Cholula. Thinner, I mean. So, as far as taste goes? The "Jon and Kate + 8" hot sauce is a winner.
Next up: Presentation. On the red bottle, we get a picture of Jon surrounded by 4-5 ladies in various states of cleave-revealing undress, kinda like if Jon were to visit a small town high school's ladies' locker room. He's standing in the center of this group, holding his arms out to his sides and wearing what looks suspiciously like an Ed Hardy shirt. For a drawing that small, Mr. Hooks has very accurately captured the d-uchebaggery of Jon Gosselin.
On the green bottle-- the "Kate" bottle-- there's a picture of Kate (wearing the "Bikini of Doom"), laying on a lounge chair in all her regal glory, surrounded by what can only be described as "Dudes". Again, whoever the artist was captured Kate's signature haircut and gold-digging demeanor with ease. A frighteningly good likeness.
Because Brian was generous enough to send me two bottles of each sauce, it's likely that I'll use one pair and keep the others. What for? Why, as a souvenir. A souvenir of the time that I've spent hammering out article after snarky article about these two clowns. From the sound of things, the show may not be on the air much longer. At that point, all we'll have is our memories: of Jon being totally whipped; of Kate shrieking about coupons; of Maddy looking like she'll grow up to make a series of attempts on Jon's life, much like the Coyote after that wily Road Runner (only here, the Road Runner has a bald spot and a penchant for frat-boy-D-bag shirts).
So, with that in mind, I have to say that I highly recommend the "Jon and Kate + 8" hot sauce. Not only is it more than servicable with your favorite dish, but it will make for one helluva conversation piece in your kitchen, a classy addition to any spice rack (how many spices have bikini ladies on them? I submit to you that none do), and a great souvenir of your time spent following the lives of these two imbeciles. Oh, and there's one more thing:
Brian's donating a portion of the proceeds from every bottle of "Jon and Kate + 8" hot sauce that he sells to the Save The Children Fund. So, for all those JK8 fans that claim they're in it for the kids, or that they believe the parents are in it for the kids, here's a chance to literally put your money where your mouth is: but a pair as a souvenir (or, hell, use 'em; the stuff's good) and Brian's gonna make a donation for you. That's perfect for those that like buying over-produced, sleazily marketed shenanigans for their home, want to donate to a charity...but can't get up off their asses to do it.
Brian Hooks, the Comedy Examiner gives your product the following grade: A.
If you're interested in picking up a pair-- and ya gotta get both, folks; they may be divorced, but your sauces don't have to be!-- go to WheresTheKids.com and tell 'em the Comedy Examiner sent you. You'll find all the information you need in order to get your own pair of JK8 hot sauces. And, really, with Christmas coming up...can you afford not to?
Here, check out these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner:
"What do we know about Jon Gosselin's "Divorced Dad's Club?"-- in which we get to the bottom of Jon's potentially-maybe-gonna-get-made show with Lindsay Lohan's dad.
"More cast changes to SNL"-- plus, find out who's hosting this week!
"The Jay Leno Show" drops off by 39% in Dallas"-- in which Leno's ratings plummet in the Dallas area.
"What are other talkshow hosts saying about Letterman?"-- find out by clicking the link!
"Comedy Review: ZOMBIELAND is one of the best comedies of the year!"-- in which the Comedy Examiner reviews this "Zombedy".
"Are "The Jay Leno Show" and "Parks and Rec" getting canceled?"-- check out their ratings here!
"Brutal Legend"-- a video game for those that love comedy, Jack Black, and Metal"-- in which the Comedy Examiner looks at the upcoming video game that's funny AND fun to play.
(Photo: Comedy Examiner)
Comments
Just a silly question: Doesn't TLC have exclusive rights to the Jon & Kate trademark for marketing anything under their names for profit? Not that TLC is interested in money (cough, cough, bulls**t)
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