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It’s just unfair to Chunky’s Burgers.
Forget the beautiful patio in a not-so-beautiful area. Good riddance to its team of cooks who turn out countless quality burgers and the cute, quirky waitresses who take your order. A pox on the owner who is nice enough to greet guests with a handshake and genuine gratitude!
No. They are known for one thing and one thing only: The Four Horsemen Burger.
Thanks to Adam Richman (indeed) of the Travel Channel’s ‘Man V. Food,' Chunky’s has become a destination for pepperheads to test their cajones majora on a half-pound patty topped with jalapenos, serranos, a habanero sauce you’d swear was wrung from Satan’s headband, and this Indian Pepper called Bhut Jolokia, or ‘ghost chili.’
The first three horsemen are pretty bad; in fact, they’re downright mean. But you know what? They put up a clean fight, so anybody looking to take them on doesn’t have to worry about them having any friends lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce.
That Bhut Jolokia though, is the nastiest, dirtiest, most dishonest fighter on the planet, period. Rated at over one million on the Scoville scale (anybody really sit there and spray water on their tongue a million times?), this thing brings in friends AND family to do you in. It is the convict on Chili Pepper Death Row nobody touches; the SAW gunner with a twitch; the nun who taught you in Kindergarten. It is heinous.
So, Chunky’s put a bunch of them on a burger, Adam Richman tried it, and the rest is fiery, duodenum-knotting history.
Your burger arrives, and it looks harmless enough. “Why’d they make me sign a release form? Ha ha.” After setting it down and taking a few steps back, your waitress announces the following rules: you have twenty five minutes, no bathroom breaks, no milk, and if you eat the whole thing, you get one last sip of your beverage before having to wait five minutes with no drink whatsoever.
Now that first bite, that first bite burns, but you’ve been there before. Next bite: Armageddon. Jalapenos and serranos now mere pickles, the habanero sauce blows down the doors DEA-style, paving the way for that ghost pepper to rocket down your esophagus and into your stomach, untouched. There, it ignites on contact, laying waste to the poor, unsuspecting citizens of Gastric Flora.
Back on the surface, your lips are pink, your nose is runny, and the sauce is rolling down your hands, a thousand fire ants filled with coffee and hate. Nothing at this point is enjoyable, as the staff stares at you shaking their heads while Dresden is unleashed in your gut. Locked in a battle of death and death, you plow through the next few bites.
Pigs fly, Hell freezes over, the Cubs win the World Series, and you finish it. You gulp down that last bit of liquid before your walk through the Sahara ablaze, trying every little trick your adrenalized brain can concoct. However, the only output you get from all the wrinkly gray matter up there is, “You’re an idiot. I hate you. And you know what? So do your loved ones.”
You know how they say the body acts to preserve its vital organs in times of severe distress? For instance, it stops supplying blood to the extremities to keep the brain and heart going? Apparently, your body LOVES having your stomach, because your arms tingle and you can’t feel your legs. You are a messy, gassy, stump of a human being at this point, ineffective as a husband, father, teacher, whatever. You are just there.
“Time!” Congratulations, you did it.
And to memorialize it all – to preserve your place in the history of this fine establishment that does make a great burger – they put your picture on the wall. All that pain, all that ‘don’t walk into the light’ mantra stuff… all for a 4X6 picture nobody will ever look at but you.
Congratulations, you’re twelve again.
Comments
There will always be things people are compelled to do that I will never understand. **Sigh** Still, thanks for treating your body like a questionable science experiment. It was a fun read.
You crack me up! I just wonder how you felt over the following days as your body processed that. Poor wife, I think.
You're a brave man, Mr. Joseph. The pictures says 1,000 words... Either you just ate a really spicy burger, you smelled a skunk, or you're about to sneeze!
Great article! Really painted a picture... Why, oh, why put yourself through the torture at Chunky's? And then try the Four Horsemen? Crazy!
I just beat the burger this past weekend and your description of the whole event was spot on. The burger is POISON!! My body started to reject it after the first couple of bites. I also didn't expect the aftermath to be so horrible. Regurgitation is allowed after the 5 minutes have passed so I took advantage of that (3 times). According to the waitress it was a wise decision. She's heard that processing the burger is much more painful than eating it. But even coming back up, it burned terribly. I couldn't even put in my contact lenses the next day! Even though I counldn't smell anything on my hands, I guess there was still residue on my fingers causing my lenses to burn. Why? you ask. I guess I just wanted to see if my mind could force my body to reach beyond reasonable limits... and I'm married to a nurse so I knew I'd be in good hand :)
I will make the drive from Houston next weekend and will take on the Four Horseman challenge. I will have someone drive me back home... ;). I'm preparing for the challenge by consuming pure ghost chili sauce everyday. Be prepared Chunky's...this Saturday.
Is there a way to "train" for this burger???
dude, that story was bloody hilarious, and i as well as the other peperheads intend on taking on this epic challenge of pain,fire and most importantly intestinal fortitude... however the bad news is im diabetic and 16 years old, so in my case... god help us all!
I cannot believe you ate the whole thing!! Nick is awesome!!!!
I tried it, I stopped and I knew my body was goign to reject it. So, I stopped eating and paid. I just wanted to try it and I don't care if I didnt get on the wall, f*@k that wall.
I can eat 2 of those burgers, no problem. And I wont drink anything, at all, during or after the meal. I just need someone to sponsor my trip from MN and I will do it. NO PROBLEM.
Big words from some guy in Minnesota where they think that bell peppers are spicy. Where they put ludefisk in their fish tacos and make enchiladas with crepes. And put olives on their nachos instead of jalepenos.
Dear I can,
Shut up. You're an idiot.
If i could give this place less than one star I most definitely would.
Having seen this place on Man vs Food, we decided to give it a try. Not that anyone in my group was planning on eating the Four Horsemen, but we thought the other burgers might be good, too.
The first thing that struck me as odd is that the bean burger does not come with cheese. Um, what? How can you possibly serve a bean burger without cheese? Still, I decided not to let the fact that cheese did not come standard scare me off. I added cheese and sat down to wait for my burger.
It showed up sans cheese. I sent it back. Moments later the waitress returned with my burger. Same burger, now topped with two cool slices of rubbery white processed cheese. I sighed but bit into my burger anyway. The meat was overcooked. It was also bland. I was so disappointed that I ate less than half of my burger before giving up and chewing on a few unimpressive french fries.
And then, the cherry on my sundae of unhappiness. I looked down just in time to see a roach crawling around on our table, headed straight for my arm. Not one of the bigger ones which, while still disgusting, do occur from time to time because this is Texas and bugs just, well, happen here. Nope. This was one of the medium sized ones that is always a sign of infestation. I repressed a shriek and jumped up as the roach crawled between the slats in the table, to the underside. My party and I all stood to leave immediately.
I decided to take my complaints to the girl at the counter. I politely explained that my food was not good and then told her about the roach. Her response? "Oh, well, they do that." Um, wait... what? They do that? Roaches just crawl around on your tables in the middle of the afternoon all willy nilly like that? Really? And you're ADMITTING this like it's supposed to assuage my dissatisfaction? She then launched into a little story about how they were there spraying this morning and she told her boss not to spray in the day because they might crawl around while the customers are there. To be honest, I quit listening because it was all a bit too gross to take in. She then offered a half-hearted "I'm sorry you didn't like it" and nothing more.
After coming home, I looked around online to find that Chunky's has received demerits in the past for dead roaches. Well, I suppose I could look on the bright side and say, at least they try to kill them. Sometimes.
Needless to say, I will NEVER return here. There are plenty of places in this city where I won't be expected to share my subpar food with the resident roaches.
this place is awesome your just a hater
Yes, hater potrole (by the way, that should be spelled patrole). I AM a hater. I am a hater of bad food. And I most definitely a hater of ROACHES crawling on my table in the middle of my meal.
I just got home from there... my friend tried it. It was a scary thing. I SMELLED that thing when they sat it in front of him. I worked in a jail for 5 years and it didn't scare me. I've been beaten and pepper sprayed... that didn't scare me. This burger... it scared me!
he even got his own facebook page :))) https://www.facebook.com/pages/Four-horsemen-burger/
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