We've all seen the headlines about the tumultuous relationship between Chris Brown and Rihanna. They have clearly has some difficult times (remember the 2009 pre-Grammy assault?) but are still together, to the chagrin of some fans. Why does this relationship strike such a chord in us?
I think most of us see the warning signs in the Brown-Rihanna relationship and it creates a sense of foreboding. Violent reputation? Check. Angry outbursts? Check. Trouble with authority? Check. Use of illicit substances or alcohol to the point of intoxicated? check. Controlling body language? Check. Creepy tattoo depicting physical assault on girlfriend? Okay, I'm not even going there. Suffice to say, the message is clear: run, don't walk, far away from this mess.
Clearly, we don't know what's going on behind closed doors, but we have a pretty good idea. And it's all bad, if you're thinking what I'm thinking. You see, the face a couple presents while out in public is usually somewhat more restrained than what happens when they are alone. If a couple is showing negativity toward each other publicly, it is likely much worse behind closed doors.
How does this apply to you and I, mere mortals? Glad you asked. The thing is, there are many signs that exist prior to a physical escalation in behavior. Typically, there is a notation of controlling tactics on the side of one partner or the other. this can be involving access to others, i.e., insisting on check-ins when a partner is out of the others company, or not allowing the partner access to friends and family on a regular basis. Also, a partner may make some choices involving personal style or beliefs, insisting a partner wear certain clothes or participate in certain events regardless of the other person's level of comfort with these ideas. finally, the partner may insist on doing things his or her way and regress into tantrum behaviors (such as yelling, emotional neglect, or refusing to compromise) rather than working cooperatively.
What other signs are there to look for? Ever heard of symbolic violence? What it means is that someone is being violent toward another object to express anger at a person. it's like holding a grape and saying, "See, I could squish you just like this." Poor grape. Typical targets include picture frames, walls, doors, and even pets. Finally, veiled threats are another sign, and these can be made at the partner or even at strangers. the partner who threatens to run another driver off the road for something as simple as not using a directional (let's face it, we've all done it) may have the potential to escalate into abuse.
So, what can you do if you see any of these issues? First of all, assess your physical safety. If you are unsafe or fearful for your life, immediately leave the area and call 911 or go to your nearest police department. If there are problems, suggest that you and your partner seek therapy. Find a reputable relationship or anger management therapist in your area and set up an evaluation. If you are not ready to seek out one-on-one help, use the internet for more guidance. Check out my anger management list to help a partner or yourself identify clear anger management issues, or check out anger management tips on sites like www.bellmentalhealth.com, www.apa.org, or the mayo clinic website. And do it today! The sooner you act, the better chance you have to correct a problem before it consumes the relationship and can become hazardous to your health.
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