Children Report Lack of Parental Attachment

In my career as a counselor and as a mother, I have had the pleasure of talking with hundreds of children. Certainly my area of expertise draws a certain “type” of child, i.e. the one who suffers with family problems, domestic violence, poverty and/or homelessness; even considering this factor, I am continually shocked by the number of adolescents who sincerely feel that they lack any type of adult support system.

Regardless of the setting, situation, or age, sadly most report perceiving their parent(s) as uninterested, uninvolved, and nonresponsive to their needs, talents, goals, or problems. So often these children have expressed feelings of loneliness, abandonment, confusion, anger, and sadness as result of their reportedly degraded relationships with parents and other family elders. I find myself pondering this detached parent/child relationship phenomenon, and ask:

Is this really something new?
Have all the children, throughout history felt a lack of connection with their parents?
Why do so many children seem lost and without direction for their current and future life?
What has caused so many children to be insecure, unsure, and scared about their life?

Clearly, I am not alone in my concerns. Search any website on parenting and you will find countless articles regarding the significance of, struggles to and the ways in which parents can reconnect, “plug in,” or make time for children. Furthermore, in recent years, we have watched as human service organizations have attempted to inform and motivate the public on the importance of a father’s involvement a child’s life. And in a time when the divorce rate is between 40 and 50% and of those still married, both parents are usually working outside of the home; we as a society we are beginning to realize the significant tolls this split of parentage has and is taking on our children.

“There’s an epidemic of anxiety among the young… Kids who don’t get the emotional nurturing they need in early life tend to be more self-centered. They don’t have the same compassion- related emotions as kids who were raised by warm, responsive families” (SummerForKids, 2010).

Are Modern Parents More Detached Than Their Ancestors? Experts overwhelmingly agree that, yes, we are less connected to our children than those of previous generations. However, it seems that these parents never consciously chose to disconnect from their children, but instead that this phenomenon has slowly and unintentionally occurred over time. So why then have parents disengaged from their children and what triggered this chance in parenting methods? I contend that one of the greatest culprits to the erosion of the parent/child bond was the intervention of modern conveniences and advances in technology.

The impact of modern conveniences. Consider the modern baby shower. How many times have you heard the expectant parents or guests remark at the number of items one small baby requires in the first years of their life? In reality though, if you were to analyze the mounds of baby items, the majority are intended to entertain, contain or soothe the baby - - responsibilities that our grandmothers gladly assumed in their day without the help of fancy, colorful accessories. Our grandmothers, armed with only themselves, their breast, a few changes of clothes, several cloth diapers, and close family members or friends were all that their offspring needed to survive their infancy. In past generations, people, not television or electronic toys, sufficed to entertain the baby and parents were connected (often literally), interacting, always teaching, and within arm’s reach or physical contact with their children the majority of the time. This was the way children began their lives and this closeness served as the model for their future relationship with their parents.

Professor Darcia Narvaez, from the University of Notre Dame in Indiana, compares baby rearing methods of our ancestors to current day methods, finding that thousands of years ago, parents were warmer, more connected, and more responsive to their children. Babies were cuddled and carried about, never left to cry, spent lots of time outdoors and were breastfed for years rather than months. 'Warm, responsive care-giving like this keeps the infant's brain calm in the years it is forming its personality and response to the world,' said Professor Narvaez. (From “Cavemen were better parents' says parenting expert,” Holland, 2010.)

Complications and distractions of modern technology. Upon its creation, it was believed that the computer was going to make our lives easier, allow for faster completion of typed documents, and allow for data sets to be programmed and configured quickly and accurately. The computer has now evolved into much more and has in essence, become an essential tool. But has its creation made our lives easier or has it caused others to expect “more” from us? Has the Internet served as an immediate reference while at the same time bombarding and exposing us to mass amounts of information each day, thus consuming additional time? What about cell phones? Have they made life easier or rather have they forced us available to whoever desires our attention, whenever they want it? In comparison to our ancestors, we have certainly gained advantages from technology that they had never know; but in exchange for these benefits, we have lost our precious free time and now struggle to divide our time.

Not Your Grandmother’s Reality. And if we, as parents, are feeling the stress of these technological devices, imagine the sense our children are gaining from them. While undeniably they do make some aspects of life easier and allow for instant access to vast amounts of information, in doing so, they steal a portion of your free time. Consider that in living rooms all across America you will find families sitting together, each immersed in their own device, i.e. ipod, laptop, cell phone, et., devices that essentially ended face-to-face communications with one another. This is certainly not your Grandmother’s reality!! If u ask, I bet she will affectionately tell you of nights spent with the family listening to radio programs in the living room, or of playing card games, or telling stories, or singing, baking, planting, working, and creating together, as a family unit. She and her ancestors were free from impersonal distractions; she had the time and stillness to get to know her parents, her siblings, and extended family members. She knew that she was loved because it was conveyed to her through words, facial expressions, physical contact, and actions. She knew that she was important to her family as they were equally as important to her; the time she spent with them allowed her to realize this fully.

So Are Children’s Perceptions of Parental Disinterest Correct? Unfortunately, it would seem so. However, no one would suggest that this is an intentional behavior of the parent, but is more so the result of modern life and circumstance. This distance between parent and child is not purposeful shun or sign disapproval as so many children have seemed to report, it is just that some many families are tapped out and lost the family traditions of togetherness. In reality, the majority of parents do report that their children are their #1 priority and that they valiantly attempt to set time aside for them….. but then the cell phone rings, or an instant message chimes in, or an email needs to be addressed, or a favorite television show comes on, and that time is lost.

We want to hear from you. How are you staying connected to your children? What has worked for you? Have you noticed any changes within the family unit as result?